u/gtbreddit1

Something I have a hard time wrapping my head around is the concept of celibacy being something someone engages in my choice. As in, they could have sex, but they choose to not have sex.

I have zero say in my celibacy. I have never had any say whatsoever in whether I am celibate or not. That decision was made for me by other people.

How is it possible that for some people, whether or not they have sex is something they choose? I cannot even imagine it. I live a life of misery because of something that other people choose based on whether they happen to be in the mood for it.

When I have a thought like this I feel anger and rage wash over me. When I think about the lives other people get to live in comparison to my own, my mind is filled with genuinely psychopathic thoughts. Why was I handed such a fucking dogshit life? Why does everyone around me get to experience pleasure while I am made to live in abject misery? How is that fair. FUCKING EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THAT IS FAIR. I feel ROBBED.

I genuinely do not know what else to do. I am so angry about missing out on sex. I feel like I am in a permanent state of grief. I am tired of feeling physically unwell. Some days I can bury my head in the sand and immerse myself in a game or a TV show well enough to not feel it, but other days it breaks through and I cannot focus on anything other than what I have missed out on.

When those days come, I just want to hurt and kill people. The only thing that brings me relief is thinking about killing people in the most brutal ways I can imagine. I imagine killing and torturing people in front of their families.

Engaging in these fantasies is the ONLY thing that brings me some relief. I feel so robbed of a life and like I have been made to endure a miserable adulthood devoid of hope for anything better. The only way I can cope with feeling so aggrieved is by delving into a fantasy world where I inflict endless suffering on others and deny them mercy when they beg for it so that they know nothing but suffering without any hope that it will ever end. Because that is what life is like for me, and in this fantasy it is what life is like for everyone else, and that feels like some kind of justice.

Occasionally, I experience moments of happiness or fulfillment. Usually relating to my work, as I work in a creative industry where I am stretched to the extent of my cognitive and artistic ability and the product of my work is often enjoyed and appreciated by others.

However, those moments are fragile, because if anything causes me to remember the fact that I don't get to have sex, those feelings leave my body and instantly rage and anger swell inside me. The triggers can be a coworker mentioning their girlfriend or simply seeing an attractive woman. I am so familiar with the feeling of a knot developing in my chest, my throat aching and my arms feeling light and tingly.

This is why it doesn't matter that "there's more to life than sex". What is the point in there being more to life if I'm prevented from enjoying any of it by lacking sex.

In fact these moments become my angriest, because I notice that I am being robbed not just of sex but of moments in my life that should be happy.