u/gummipterodactyl

Help! I (35F) have a big crush on my (single, similar age) pastor. While he is very handsome, the crush is based on deeper traits. We have had a lot of good and connected conversations, and I think it is possible there is mutual attraction.

I was trying to work up the nerve to ask him on a coffee date, but then I did some research and learned that there’s a very clear, strict policy in the church prohibiting sexual relationships with parishioners.

To be clear, I wasn’t trying to start something sexual — I just wanted to know if he would be open to getting to know each other better over coffee! But the policy makes even that seem really taboo.

I completely understand that these policies exist to prevent abuse. I also don’t feel that I’m particularly vulnerable, and the relationship feels like one of equals. I don’t often meet someone I connect with this well.

I know that this does come up, and have read that the pastor can navigate it by being really transparent with church leadership, asking permission, seeking guidance, and doing lots of discernment work. Meanwhile my understanding is that the parishioner has to attend a different church and receive pastoral care from someone else. So it seems technically possible to do, just really complicated and a lot of people advise against it?

But I don’t want to be inappropriate or make him uncomfortable.

Here are the options I am considering. Please tell me what you think I should do!

- Try to sublimate my feelings and stifle the crush, but enjoy the pastoral relationship. Potentially pine for a long time. When he eventually gets together with someone else, wail and gnash teeth.

- Ask him to coffee or lunch and let him decide if that’s something he’s willing to do. If things develop, leave the congregation while dating and join a different church.

- Do nothing. Just keep sitting in limbo, pray, and hope something becomes clearer.

- Tell him that I am wrestling with romantic feelings and that I’m aware it is problematic but don’t know what to do.

- Something else??

help! i (35F) have a huge crush on my (single, similar age) pastor. while he is definitely very handsome, my feelings are based on traits that are much deeper.

we have had many great, connected conversations and i thought it was possible there was mutual attraction. i was in the process of working up the nerve to ask him out for coffee, but then i discovered the church’s very clear, strict written policy about sexual misconduct.

to be clear, i was not planning to try to start a sexual relationship!! i just wanted to see if he was open to getting to know each other better! and i am totally on board with dating chastely and saving sex for marriage!

but the policy just makes it feel like that’s probably way too risky — even if we agreed to date and avoid any sexual contact unless/until we got married, maybe nobody would believe we were really following the rules, or the emotional relationship would violate the spirit if not the letter of the rules, or it would make things weird within the congregation, or … in some other way his job would be in danger.

has anybody else been in, or observed, a situation like this?

i know that if he wanted to date me i could leave the church and find another, but i really like my church and it would be hard to find another i would like equally well. so i am hoping somebody will tell
me that there’s another way to handle this 😭