u/guymcguy4

For the past few weeks, I’ve been routinely visiting this cat that I like and she seems to have bonded with me. An opportunity presented itself that I could adopt her, and I really struggled with my decision. I submitted my application and was approved, and still didn't know what to do, and yesterday I said I'd take her in an attempt to buy myself more time.

I have been dealing with severe anxiety about this decision and the prospect of adopting a cat, and I don't know what to do. It’s been taking up so much of my brain space, to the point where I’m even having nightmares about it. If I take her, I'm anxious that I'll be making a mistake and that I'm not ready for this, but if I don't take her, I'm worried I'll have missed out on an opportunity and I’ll have let fear rule my life again. This decision paralysis and OCD is ruining my life and I just feel humiliated because I STILL can't decide. It's embarrassing, it's frustrating, it's something I feel like my friends are sick of hearing me talk about, and I want it to stop. It feels like a humiliation ritual- ask me to make a choice and watch me spiral.

Yesterday morning, I said I would take her, and I had really bad anxiety steadily ramp up throughout the course of the day about my choice. I went out and saw a new Broadway show yesterday, and instead of enjoying myself, all I could think about was what a terrible mistake I'd made and how I'm not worthy of this and more and more and more negative thoughts. I tried my best to hold it at bay but I couldn't and I ultimately ended up having a panic attack in the bathroom of a bar after the show. How can I, in good faith, move forward when every fiber of my being is screaming at me to not do this?

There’s a part of me that is worried about what my parents will think by me adopting the cat (I am 26, live on my own, have a full-time job, have done all the finances and have asked other people and they’ve all said that this is a responsible decision to make). I’m so paranoid that they won’t approve of my choice, even though I need to keep reminding myself that it shouldn’t matter, and I have received reassurances from them that they do support this. There’s another part of me that feels like I’m unworthy of this love, and am a little weirded out by the fact that the cat loves me and has chosen me.

This is humiliating. This has been happening for as long as I can remember. I cannot make decisions. I talked with a trusted person about OCD since they deals with it too and while it's good to have that resource, it feels like I'm so isolated. It feels like I'm less than everyone else. I kept track of every time I was given a choice over the weekend, and I said "I don't know" to just about every one. Even something as simple as "what do you want to eat?" or "where should we go next?". I hate living like this. I hate this brain that I have. I am trying so desperately to not hole up and ignore this until it just goes away, even though that would be comfortable.

I have been working with my therapist but I still just feel so isolated and embarrassed. I know I’m not alone but man does it feel like it.