I kinda got outed at my gallery showing?
So. I am an artist. Pretentious and typical lol. Whatever. I'm a photographer, but like an artistic one? I mean I do event work and blah blah blah, boring photo shit to pay bills but I love photography. However I treat everything I shoot like it could be hung up in a gallery. I'm proud of all my work across the board.
Tonight I had my first gallery showing. I was able to book showing in this cocktail that an art dealer throws to sell pieces. Whatever, I get booked as the event photographer and also asked to showcase some photos.
Now I'm still very early in my journey. Like I found out and accepted the reality of me being a woman a MONTH ago. So most if not majority of the time I'm still presenting as male, one for my overall wellbeing financially / career. But also because of my partner. I don't want to freak her out despite her being nothing but supportive. I want to do this in the most paced and calculated manner.
Anyway, I start working with this art dealer. I meet with them the day before to discuss the show and make final arrangements. In a moment of comfort and also of "fuck I want to tell everyone!" I confided in her that the works she chose from my archive, which are about FEMININITY, are especially special since I'm thinking about transitioning...
Whatever, art is art and she was super sweet and is a super sweet person so she was so kind to me. I love her and I don't wish to give the impression she had any malicious intent.
BUT what I didn't know and what is partly my fault for not clarifying is that she was planning on letting the guests know that the "anonymous" artist that provided some photography works was transitioning when she spoke about their background to all the guests at the fucking cocktail! AFTER she basically described the work I do creatively with my wife as what the artist does with their partner. I mean dude, I was standing right there. I didn't know what to do or say. Like the room was not that giving big... The cocktail takes place in a house and we were all packed in the dining room. I mean 45 to 50 people. Like and the only photographer there with his wife that fits the definition is right there. Frankly this post is more about her butchering pitching her artist. Nonetheless, I felt like collapsing and sinking into my skin.
I felt extremely exposed. I played it off like intrigued about the work and acted the bit of not being called out... I mean you had to be dense to not realize that it was obviously me. But then again maybe it would've been too obvious if it was.
Shortly after that segment ended, I retreated. I left to go upstairs where we kept our gear and had privacy. I really really tried for it not to get to me. I had never felt this before. Embarrassment to the third degree. I don't even know if that's what I would call it???
I mean she basically asked "can anyone tell me if this photographer is male or female?" And then followed that up with "well they look into the feminine perspective from a very feminine sense..." Trying to get the guests to kinda ask themselves questions about the work and shit. she did a good job up until that point. Then once the audience gave a bit of their takes she goes on to tell them that the photographer is a "he" and "he is married and works with his wife and she directs and he shoots (as we're literally doing so in the corner of the room) and goes on to close it with "and he's going to be transitioning at the end of the year." LIKE WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK????
(WHICH SUCKS THATS I CANT REMEMBER WHAT THE GUESTS ACTUALLY THOUGHT OF MY WORK BECAUSE WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A NIGHT TO LOOK BACK ON AS MY FIRST GALLERY IS NOW THIS)
It was honestly cringe! Like dude. I don't want to be perceived??? I want to be me and do this in a way that feels right. I'm constantly thinking about this decision I'm making of transitioning. I'm constantly thinking about how I'll do it. The logistics of it, the emotions, everything in between. And I trusted this information on her because I thought she could relay it in a way that added to the works and the lore of the artist (Because it could've been done in such a tasteful way) But instead it was cringe.
And now
Majority of the guests I socialized with at the event asked me afterwards towards the tail end of the cocktail if it was me. And I said no. Like three different GROUPS of people asked me. Like dude why the duck would I tell you?? I mean what bugs me is that they'll see the works through my Instagram and figure it out if they care to. It's not obvious but it's there. SO that being said, I don't think a lot of people pieced it together. At least my wife told me she thought that no one had any idea since she stayed in the room shooting video of the guests after I stepped away to get a hold of myself.
I don't know. It's been a weird night. I feel disturbed and sad but also angry. All wrapped up in humor really. Like fuck me lol.