I’m in love with my best friend and I will never get to tell her
Dinner: Strawberry Fields Salad
TW: Death of a loved one
The title kinda says all you need to know. I was in love with my best friend, and she ended her life about a year ago.
She confessed she had feelings for me in her final note to me that we found about a month later. I was (and still am) deeply in love with her.
We’ve known each other since elementary school, met in 1st grade and inseparable since. I came out as a lesbian in 8th grade, she was the only one to truly support me. She was Mormon, and came out to me in secret in 10th grade, as her parents would never accept her being a lesbian. It rocked my world. I started to see her in a different way, and I’d notice the little things she did to put my needs ahead of her own, or just sweet gestures and stuff.
I miss her terribly. She was not only my crush, but my best friend, my whole world and the best person I’ve ever known. Her family loves me (they don’t know about my sexuality) and they have always invited me on their vacations while my girl was alive, and that didn’t stop after her death. But I know that it hurts them as much as it hurts me to be reminded of her, and I know I serve as a constant reminder.
I don’t get to talk about my girl much. She was the smartest woman on earth. I always told her she could outwit Einstein. She was beautiful, too. She had long blonde hair and bright blue eyes with gorgeous tan skin- the polar opposite to my dark brown hair (dyed red right before she passed), brown eyes, and pale skin. And she was so kind, too. She played guitar, and would play for the kids she helped at the daycare she worked at. She was an amazing singer, and we’d always sing together. She was hilarious, had a sharp comeback to anything. Whenever she was bored or waiting for me to get ready to go out she’d stand up and start pretending to be in an intense competition with me, which changed every time. My favorite was the pie eating contest. Or competing to be the next member of the blue man group. She was awesome. She was my person.
My sister says it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I guess I believe that. I just don’t think I’ll ever love someone the way I love her.
She battled depression for a long, long time. She was so strong. Her note to me is saved in photographs, both physical and in my phone, my computer, and a hard drive. I read it once and I will not read it again until I’m ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
I just miss her. So bad. I wish she was here. I still send things to her instagram account. I feel lost without her.
She loved lurking on Reddit (as do I) but she’d never post. I hope she knows somehow that I’m still thinking about her, posting about her, and just missing her I guess.
My point is that if you’re in love with someone- go for it. You never know how long you get with someone until it’s over. Don’t be like me, please.
My dinner was with her family tonight- we went to BJ’s and I got her favorite salad. She loved it because it had strawberries on it, she adored strawberries. I used to tell her she had a strawberry soul. I don’t even know when that started, probably some joke. But I think of her whenever I see strawberries. Thanks for reading my diary for tonight, love you all!