u/hevermind

I posted 2 weeks ago about dumping and blocking my BPD girlfriend with addiction issues. weed. all day every day.

I unblocked her, let her back in with some boundaries.

she asked for help with a tech issue. okay no problem. I saw her at the gym. do you need help with that? no it's fine. I can wait till later. I don't need to help right now. I don't want to deal with it. well, okay

calls me in the morning bent out of shape, why can't you just help me? why can't you just tell me what you did? why can't you tell me the one that you use?

meanwhile, I'm trying to check in for my badass new tattoo. and she's pissing me off. having to explain to her that he didn't clearly articulate what she wanted. she just asked for help in a really generic way without providing me any information. but of course it's my fault for not helping right?

Tell her if she wants some help she can come by my place. the next day, she said she's going to the gym and then going to come over. 7:00 p.m.

by 10:30 she's still not there, I am livid. I am so frustrated. this is the exact same thing she did during her relationship, avoiding me, isolating. she finally calls and makes excuses, I was at the gym for 2 and 1/2 hours, my phone died. I went to the grocery store. at this point I'm so fucking sick of it. I don't give a fuck. I know resort to calling her names but I call her what she is, selfish and ungrateful.

making me wait hours, again, just like last time. just like a million times before when we were together. because fuck me right? he'll always be there. he'll wait for me like a fucking simp.

I'm frustrated with her. I'm frustrated with myself. I need to just cut her off.

some of you may remember my post from the other day

I broke up with BPD stoner girl early this week. I loved her but I got tired of being dissatisfied day after day

first two days were hell. I got sick the next two days, felt like death, hyper fixated on scenarios where she was cheating, yesterday evening and this morning I had to resist going over to her place. I just had this really strong compulsion to do it, show up unannounced

today is Saturday. I was supposed to go to the Renaissance Fair but just didn't feel up to it this morning. went to get a bagel instead

have great conversation with people at the cafe. also, of course been reaching out to my support network about my feelings and telling a lot of people about it

I can say guys it gets better. it gets better

lunch is a protein shake. about 10-12 oz of whole milk. 10 g of creatine, scoop of psyllium powder. one scoop of unflavored casein protein, one scoop of unflavored whey isolate protein, two small avocados, and a Big splash of agave syrup

it's actually pretty good. try it

Hey all, I would like to see everyone's favorite Alien and Giger art and stills. I recently realized that I love a lot of the art from various comics but I'm having trouble finding it online

Here's one of my favorite Giger paintings

I posted yesterday morning. breakfast at Tommy's

I think the one thing I'm doing right so far is maintaining the no-contact. I keep going down the road of self-recrimination, recovering all the things that I could have done better. my mistakes I made.

I'm honestly so glad she hasn't called. I'd expect from a blocked number. I'm so glad. I don't know that I could resist picking up. if she calls tomorrow I'll pick up. no I shouldn't. no I'm not going to do that. please don't let me pick up if she calls. please I don't want to fucking make this pain any worse anymore

it helps to talk about it. I called some friends. I called Elaine, the little Chinese grandma that did 48 years in prison. she's so cool and so supportive. they won't give her a driver's license. I don't know why.

texted Taylor. basically all day. she's supportive too. I love her. I honestly wish I could be with her sometimes. she has a complicated love life of her own

Nick is supportive. so is his wife. I spoke to him briefly tonight. his wife started her new job.

now it's 1:52 a.m. and I'm sitting here drinking beer after trying to go to sleep for an hour and a half. it's dark.

I can't get my mind right. The pain is a lot. I keep spinning up these elaborate scenarios where she cheats. men that she's met online or whatever. or maybe at that app launch event she went to the other day with a few friends. and she couldn't take me for some reason. she said it was private

I think she expects some rich guy. she wants a rich guy. she wants some guy that has tons of money so he can just give her money for being her. I'd pay for stuff. All the time. she never really did anything to make me feel special. when do I get to feel special? do I get to feel valued? she told me that guys used to just give her money. she told me that all those things I paid for weren't shit

I can't sustainably just give her money. for now I make about 90-100 working a full-time job and having a consulting business on the side. I've got four times the average retirement savings for someone my age. a little bit more. I didn't actually even tell her that until some of my final text messages before I blocked her.

I didn't want to just give her money, I don't want to be a simp, and she needs to be accountable. when I met her she couldn't stop drinking. she couldn't even hold down a job. she would drink for 3 weeks straight and not get out of bed. now she's got her job that keeps her really busy. recently she helped me sell some stuff online and I gave her more than half. and she wasn't grateful for that either. in fact, I think it's just made her expect more. she's so ungrateful

she wasn't attracted to me anymore. I don't think. and I know I'm not unattractive. I'm not ugly. I wish I was better looking right now. I wish I could just go out and meet another girl and distract myself. I don't want to feel this way.

I thought maybe she found someone. I thought maybe she's been flirting online. I thought she met someone at the event. I keep thinking about it over and over. who is he. He's better than me obviously. he's got more money. He's rich right? He's better than me. he's just a better person. he's just some badass dude with money and he's going to just give her money and make her happy with money, money, money and treat her like shit probably and he won't love her she won't care because he gives her money. that's what the last guy did. just gave her money and psychologically abused her

Early on before we were really together... were we? I don't remember. she was hammered and I just hated watching it and I told her to call me when she sobered up. and I left. and then in the middle of the night I just knew I don't know how. and I went over there pounded on the door and there was whispering. get in the closet. 4 minutes later the door opens and she's there with a guy, an older man. I told him he had to leave. he didn't leave and he made the mistake of getting in my face. all tough. I put him on the floor. I'm really lucky I didn't hurt him too bad. and I think about that. and thinking about it. I've been thinking about it ever since it happened. it has haunted me.

I woke up at 5:15 a.m. shivering this morning. like trauma shivering. before I posted that Tommy's pic. now it's 2:12 a.m. Am I going to be able to sleep? or is this going to be 24 hours? 24 hours awake. 24 hours of pain. 24 hours of fucking up at work. the only good thing that went on today was my class, my new students are great. I actually had a really good time with that. it was distracting. soon as class ended up I fell back down the rabbit hole

My throat hurts. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. she isolated. she knew that it was hurting me and she did it anyway. she's such a horrible person. she's so fucking horrible. why would someone do that. why would someone do any of this. I'm a good person. I help people. I do. I work for pennies in my free time teaching at non-profits. I work in my community. I try to give back

you can't wait for people to change. please anybody that reads this. they're not going to change just go just go find someone else. go now. Don't wait. please don't wait

despite all the things I've been through, I've never had a relationship like this. I thought I was strong enough. I saw it and other people told me and I still stayed. why did I stay

you can't wait for people to change. please just help me make it through this

2.28am

apologies y'all, this is technically breakfast

I couldn't do it any more. her bpd. alcoholism, that I helped her beat. her smoking weed constantly. she wouldn't fucking stop.

and I just didn't trust her. I could feel it. she was cheating. in word or in deed, it didn't matter. I could just tell. it hurts

she lied about so many small things. of course she's gonna lie about big things too.

I honestly saw a life with her that I really didn't see with anyone else before. but she won't be the person I need her to be. so I have to let her go.