[discussion] how do i stop sabotaging myself
i didn’t have the best home life growing up. definitely not the worst but my family is not the most positive and they’re not necessarily the hardest workers. it’s rather depressing. and i’ve grown up with a lot of mental health issues, but i do believe in God and he’s uplifted me always. and i try not to repeat cycles in my family. i’ve done pretty well. i’m 21 with no kids. which doesn’t really happen in my family. i take care of all my things myself. all my bills are paid. but i find myself just living to work, come home and smoke, watch tv and do it over again in the am. i go through times where im really fit and eating well and doing good with my habits. but i go through more times where I just don’t know what to do. feeling purposeless i guess. i sometimes find myself only getting better to look good or to be of use for someone else. like when talking to a guy, i want to get all my shit together so i dont look like im a mess. but when im not talking to anyone, like now, i dont care. i dont care for myself that way and i dont know why. there’s someone i want to be and im so far from her right now. it’s like i know what i should be doing and i just wont do it. i wont go to the gym. i wont eat right. i wont stop smoking. i feel mentally so much calmer and logically after but it makes me sluggish and i dont wanna do anything. i know who i want to be, but i wont commit to the habits long enough and i have not assumed the identity. i guess my question is how do i get up. what helped you move when you had no motivation/self discipline. and if you’ve been through the same, i do i walk away from marijuanna forever, or at least a controlled amount. i’m so tired of myself it’s sickening me. help?