u/hivonni

100% free

Growing up i was kind of always told i struggled with empathy and i never thought much of it until now. After freshman year i switched schools to a different town, this towns always has been small and bigoted and more conservative and the people at the highschool were as well. I started going when i was 14 about to turn 15.

I was new and trying to fit in and i found that through making really edgy bigoted jokes (like low tier god level of bad), saying the most vile things i possibly could think of, and essentially using shock humor but to an EXTREME because people thought it was funny and me being stupid thought my words had no weight and it was getting laughs so it was okay. i was essentially a bully. I had some fallouts with some friends who thought it was funny around new years years to early January season (not over the things i was saying for other reasons) but i started to really think about what i was doing and realized i’m a total piece of shit.

Ever since i wanna say late January to early February I’ve stopped saying all of these things for validation and stopped making these sorts of jokes because i realized i was actually hurting people. I’ve kind of started feeling genuine empathy for the first time in maybe my entire life and guilt and remorse. i like philosophy and i’ve kind of been trying to see the beauty in life and in all human beings so maybe that helps. i’ve made some apologies to people (i couldn’t track some of them down so not all of them) some took it some didn’t.

But i’m currently trying to be a better person and not just be neutral as i’m not good or bad but truly good. i’ve realized that when i die i want to be remembered for good things and not as the edgy bigoted teenager. Nothing justifies my actions and it is nobodies but my fault but i’ve completely stopped with those vile jokes and i’m trying to improve. i turn 17 soon and im improving but i truly want to be a good person. i would say im a good person yet im just in the process of becoming one someday maybe.

i dont know i kind of just wanna hear peoples thoughts on everything and hear opinions.