u/hologrammm

For annual performance reviews, my job makes us write short essays annually showcasing all of the things we worked on, accomplished or were proud of and I don’t even know how to begin writing mine this year.

And to be honest, I did do quite terrible, some of my worst work in all my 26 years of living, in fact. They are giving me a first level warning, which is not a PIP.

But, at the same time, I had probably the darkest year of my life. So, then how…..

How can I possibly even begin to explain the daily horror for me that was the past 12 months?

The days upon days upon months that were stained by:

• the brutal cutting of ties with my only group of friends on a random Tuesday…..a decision I was forced to make, sole alternative being scapegoating and verbal and emotional abuse from that same group
• shortly after, being diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and its accompanying mental purgatory, then starting SSRI for the first time
• during the first month of that SSRI, I contracted Covid, which triggered the activation of EBV virus/mono, which caused viral meningitis, which leaves me with post-viral whatever/ME-CFS to this day (if I’m lucky)……….yet somehow, not a single person around me noticed any of it at the time…….?
• just as I start to climb from the darkest haze of illness I’ve ever experienced, my employer decides to push RTO. *hard*. my manager/coach (with whom I already had a semi-poor working relationship) in trying to enforce this (which I can’t fault him for doing his job), chose to make the assumptions that I wasn’t trying hard enough, just lazy, need to work more (which I *will* fault him for)
• this same manager/coach, punishing me by taking away the autonomy and trust that two other managers happily gave me before, without question, before I was ever even promoted to my current position……..shooting down my suggestions and input, or worse, stealing them for his own……..blaming all shortcomings of the team I supervised onto me, while taking all the credit for success…….literally visibly treating me differently than he treats others on our own (all male) team
• since that’s not enough yet, my last grandparent passes away, so we have to clean out the house/land, deal with the estate and, of course, the family drama
• at the exact same time, my manager/coach goes on leave as their grandparent also passes away. and one of our longtime struggling team members, that had been placed on a PIP a year prior, finally jumps ship (rightfully), leaving us picking up the slack for one man down.
• the hassling experience of attempting to get the most minuscule workplace accommodation for the first time and finally receiving their approval….while they simultaneously tell me that I should tread carefully so that they don’t end up thinking that I don’t actually need my doctor/medically approved accommodation (all I asked for was to come in office on MWF instead of TWTh

And that’s just the stuff personal to ME. This isn’t even factoring in the more chronic things, for example:

• the inherent trauma of being someone with ADHD and Autism and a woman
• the autoimmune/MS-like symptoms I have from Long Covid and the effect it has on my life and daily function (or whatever it is, just started getting tested for it…..bc everyone thought I was exaggerating or trying to get out of things…….)
• the absolute rankest pit of a porta-potty that is the United States right now
• unfortunately no support outside of my immediate but long-distance family and my boyfriend

And finally, the worst part:

• I DID speak up. I DID say things. I told my manager/coach and my director and HR exactly what I needed. I told them exactly why I needed it. Why it would help. What I was struggling with. How I was making changes. What worked for me. What didn’t. I asked questions. I clarified. I documented. I accepted my shortcomings and also my mistakes. I offered solutions. I DID try working harder/longer. I DID communicate. I DID ask for help.

Every step of the way, I was told over and over that it was me: I wasn’t eating enough, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, I need to take more vitamins, I just need to push myself a bit more, work just a few more hours.

“You’re starting to be rude sometimes” like yes. Yes, I am. Because you’re listening but not HEARING and I don’t have enough energy to convince you otherwise, and there’s nothing I can do to give myself enough energy to do so.

I hate to say it but I have nothing but anger and disappointment and resentment for every person that's been around me for the past year. I feel so failed. And a deep burning rage from the fact that this experience is so. common. for all the other ND/disabled/minority/'othered' people out there. Why do they so happily fling themselves to assumptions? Why do they listen but they don't HEAR?