u/hologrammm

A few months ago, some of you may have come across a post in this sub about two random guys taking my pic on the public train to send in their group chat to make fun of me (while I was actively sitting in between them), *all bc they wanted me to leave the seat I was in, without using their Big Boy Words* — hi, yes, it’s me, *again*!!!!!

I keep wondering why this type of harassment has happened to me, in public, TWICE over the past 4 months, but I’m now wondering if it’s because I just *absolutely* *refuse* to give into their harassment.

Exact same premise as the incident back in March, just different method (if you want read it you can find it in my post history/this sub). This time instigated by an old m*n (derogatory).

On my way to work this morning, I’m sitting in the back of the city bus, which has a handful of seats that are in a slightly elevated area from the rest of the bus, so you have to go up two short stairs to get up there. Because of that, the first row of front-facing seats in this area has a 3ft metal half-wall/barrier directly in front of it so that passengers don’t get launched off when the bus hits the breaks. On the plus side, you’re not sitting directly behind someone; on the negative side, you get a few inches less of forward leg room. If you’re sitting there and also in the window seat, you do lose another 5 to 6ish inches on that side. Normally, I don’t mind because I’m only 5’4”.

I decided to sit in one of those elevated front seats by the window this morning. When I sat down, there was an older guy sitting in the seat directly behind me.

About 10 minutes into the 40 minute bus ride to my office building, I start noticing something slightly putting pressure on my shoe and forcing it forward. I didn’t really think much of it (at first) because, if you’re sitting behind someone on the bus and you stretch your leg forward, it’s not hard to accidentally hit their feet or bag from under the seat. It just happens from time to time, it’s a busy public city bus after all, although people are usually pretty mindful of taking care to not do that.

However, after another 5 to 10 minutes of my foot closest to the window getting pushed with nowhere to go — and again, your foot in this particular seat closest to the window has *literally* nowhere to go forward or to the side, unless you cross your legs, which I try hard to avoid bc it hurts my hip joints and compresses a nerve in my knee that turns my lower leg into TV static — I’m starting to get annoyed.

At this point, I don’t think this old guy behind me is doing it on purpose. Because, really, how could I jump to that assumption so quickly? So I make the executive decision to start gently wiggling and moving my foot around, slightly pressing my foot back into his, to make him aware that he’s low key kicking someone’s foot like, “Hey!! Sorry! That’s my foot right here!!” Literally just trying to regain the microscopic space my foot had to start with.

The old guy’s foot goes away….then comes back a minute later. This time, it feels much more intentional. As other people are getting off at the next bus stop, I take the opportunity to subtly look around to get a quick glance at his face, trying to determine if he either (a) knows he’s being annoying and rude AF, or (b) if he’s genuinely that clueless/spatially unaware. We make eye contact for 0.5 seconds, he has this very blank expression on his face, and then…he stops. Jeez, about damn time.

Except….he doesn’t actually stop. As the bus starts moving again, I feel his foot coming so far forward that it’s pushing my shoe up. I realize our feet are now, like, stacked?? *Now* I’m like, “Well o-fucking-kay then, I guess buddy IS doing this on purpose, for some reason.”

The bus is nearing its last stop, which happens to be at my office building, so it’s like 90% empty. In the elevated back area, it’s just me and buddy ol’ pal. It dawns on me that he’s been trying, for the entire 40 min bus ride, to harrass me into moving my foot/changing seats just so he can stretch his legs out more, even though there’s legitimately like 20 other empty seats he could have moved to, if it really bothered him so bad. Now, of course, you may be asking me by this point, “What’s stopping you from just getting up and moving yourself?” The answer is: nothing — except for pure stubbornness and my damn sense of autistic justice.

So, what did I do about this weird foot totem pole we’ve got going on, you ask…? Well, naturally, I let myself start stimming in public. I begin digging my pointy little kitten heel straight down to the floor. I’m tapping my feet all over his foot. I’m damn near *stomping* on his foot with the heel of my shoe. And what does he do next? He starts lifting his toes to tilt his shoe and lift my foot up even *more*?!?! Now I’m feeling his *INDIVIDUAL TOES* through both *his* shoe AND *my* shoe and now my sensory issues are firing the hell off like fireworks on the 4th of July.

I *WHIP* my head all the way around and glare at him. He gives me a sheepish look and mumbles a quiet “sorry…” Without even a second to think about it first, I hear words flying out of my own mouth: “*No. You’re not.*”

Just as suddenly as it appeared, the invader foot disappears. For the remaining few bus stops until the terminal station, I don’t feel the slightest bump to my feet, not even the hint of a breeze (although, I swore I could feel lasers drilling into the back of my head that weren’t there earlier). Before the bus even comes to a full stop, the old guy is already up and shuffling his way down to the bus’ front doors instead of the back doors, which were mere feet away from our seats. Maybe he always goes the long way off the bus. Maybe he was trying to get away from me. Idk lol

After disembarking the bus’ back doors, I quickly pass him due to his slower pace and my (excessively, by nature) fast walking pace. As I’m passing him by, inches away on the sidewalk, I make sure to give him a full 180 icy stare-down right in the eye. Although his gaze stays locked suspiciously straight-forward, I was able to sense that he was feeling the frosty chill in his peripheral vision.

As I’m taking the elevator up to the floor that my company is on, I reflect on what had just transpired. While I’m not ashamed for standing my ground and battling for my right to simply *exist* and *take up space* in a public area, with just as much right to do so as anyone else, my mind does go to the poor girl who was randomly fatally stabbed by a stranger on a public bus not too long ago. I think about how, honestly, anything could’ve happened to me, how I was lucky the guy was *only* playing a weird game of footsy. I was lucky it didn’t escalate it any further.

I feel torn — and some other weird, confusing feeling I can’t even put a name to — at how often so many human beings must choose between only one or the other, either the right to feel safe without harassment OR the right to *exist equally* in the same space as others. But not both. And not exclusive to just women, or just AuDHD people, but all people that are neurodivergent, all people that are disabled, all people that fall within marginalized groups, all people that are “othered” in some way by society.

I’m not sure what my point is for writing all of this out this time. Sure, my sense of justice and disregard for societal norms got their rare time in the sun. But also, am I making myself a target for a lifetime by doing so? Will the rest of my life be spent quite literally digging me and my kitten heels in against the societal grain? Is this my purpose for existence? Is it even my place to do so?

Really, there is no vindication here.

I suppose my only hope is that, perhaps, he will think twice before harassing someone else based on his own personal whims.

I was hospitalized overnight a couple months ago for MS-like neurological and cognitive symptoms, including Lhermitte’s sign, that turned out to be a combination of B12 deficiency (~380) + Long COVID/EBV/mold exposure.

They put me on daily 1000mcg B12 oral supplements and sooo many of my issues with brain fog, vision, memory, balance/mobility and neuropathy have vastly improved since then. I feel like a completely different person now!

However, I’ve noticed that if I accidentally miss >1 day(s) taking my oral supplements, then my symptoms will return almost instantaneously — especially neuropathy, eye pain/blurry vision and Lhermitte’s. One time I forgot for like a week and pretty much was back to my pre-hospital non-functioning state.

I already eat so many B12 foods I don’t really understand why it’s so low in the first place. I’ve always struggled with low iron and dehydration too. I’ve never been tested for absorption issues but wondering if I should — my symptoms have also typically been more noticeable when I have digestive issues at the same time.

1.) Is this to be expected for someone that recently started treating B12 deficiency with oral supplements?

2.) Or is this a sign I might need a higher dose or possibly injections?

3.) At what point would you start testing for absorption issues?

Thank you!

Instead of ruminating the rest of my Sunday, I'm putting my thoughts out into the world here. I know none of us are any strangers to ruminating. But specifically, topics I've seen so many of us here mention getting hyper-fixated on is existentialism and society. That has been me the past few weeks.

The more I think about it and the pattern-recognition skills that are so prevalent in ND people, the way that human society inherently outcasts and marginalizes any "others" within a group, the compartmentalization that is almost necessary for survival - having to continue going to your job every day pretending that the world is not literally on fire - the concrete evidence being spat into our faces showing the depravity in the upper echelons of society which they have conspiracized into oblivion, fear of accountability, fear of standing out, the enshittification of everything, the silencing of The People with more bread and more circuses, and worst of all: "we can't do anything about it because that's just the way it is".

However, I keep thinking how, if that's "just the way it is", then why does history show us different? Time and time again, history proves that society can and does change. Ideas, movements, revolutions, all come from the uniting of The People in some way. Sure, they could never do it without a leader. But a leader is no one without their People behind them. I'm not sure why modern society encourages "leadership" so much, without also teaching what it means to be a follower with discretion. Such a heavy emphasis on teaching the average person in society to "be a leader" has always felt, to me, like just another way to push individualization, distrust and competition amongst society - which, in turn, ultimately takes away The Power of The People and the necessity of diversification.

When you're discouraged from having basic standards or higher expectations - who benefits? Not you.

When you're ridiculed for asking questions - who benefits? Not you.

When your logic is being twisted into hubris - who benefits? Not you.

When you're told to stop noticing the patterns - who benefits? Not you.

When they say, "there's nothing we can do about it" - who benefits? Not you.

When true facts and information become obscured by empty words - who benefits? Not you.

When your neighbors can't find true facts and information either - who benefits? Still not you.

So then, why do we have such intense pattern-recognition skills? Truthfully, there probably is no reason why, other than the pure 'luck', if you will, of physics and biology. However, there is a reason that noticing patterns feels like an itch you can't scratch.

I'm just here to encourage anyone still reading of this:

Listen to your instincts.

Listen to your pattern-recognition.

Keep questioning.

Expect better.

Advocate for yourself.

Advocate for those around you.

It doesn't have to be extreme.

It just has to be firm.

Am I wrong for asking for space from my boyfriend — literally just to stop interrupting me and asking me what I’m doing and if I’m okay every 30 minutes? And then when I wasn’t getting that from him, I leave the apartment so that I can actually get the space that I need? I told him I was going out to get beer but I didn’t say that I was gonna ‘be right back’. I said ‘see you later’. Is it hard for me to give him more detail? No. But I had already told him earlier the same day that I wanted him to stop constantly asking me what I’m doing and like, idk, I just don’t feel like people need to know every single little thing that I do. I’m not even hiding anything. I don’t need to know the same for them. And I actually think it would be a little rude to do so.

So yeah, I didn’t give him all the details of where I’m going and then my phone died. It was the night before my birthday and I had decided to walk to the lakeside to drink beer and look at the city without telling him exactly where I was going. I sat there for like 40 minutes and then I went to hang out on the shared roof of our apartment building, as I still just needed time to myself. I was gone for a total of about two hours, but of course he’s claiming longer.

He apparently becomes so panicked during this time, he decides to call my mom at 9pm to let her know he can’t get a hold of me. Unsurprisingly, my mom also panics and wants to call the police and her and my dad are literally about to make a 3 hour drive to come look for me.

He actually did come up to the roof while I was sitting there and called out my name, but he didn’t actually look around. Granted, I was sitting in the dark (it was nighttime), but by the time I turned around to see who said my name he was already gone. He’s so panicked that I guess he didn’t even actually check with his eyes to see if I was actually there.

I’m not saying that his feelings are wrong. But I do think that it was excessive. I feel like the only other option for me was to keep letting him act codependent and insecure while it whittled away at the last bit of my autonomy and patience. And call me a bad person I guess, but I am not meant to be around people that are insecure. It’s not that I purposely make them feel bad, but I tend to make them feel bad by merely existing, no matter what I say or do.

Idk how to handle it. We just moved in together a couple weeks ago. Today is my birthday. I don’t really have any other friends or acquaintances because, well, *gestures to all of me*, female AuDHD/OCD special right here, simultaneously too much, yet not enough.

I'm at a complete loss as to my path forward with my employer - wondering if there even is one at all.

I was recently diagnosed with long Covid/post-viral fatigue syndrome by my PCP. I engaged in the FMLA + accommodations process with my employer and they granted me 3-4 days of intermittent FMLA per month + accommodations to WFH on M/T/W instead of the standard requirement of T/W/Th.

To be completely honest, even with the FMLA and accommodations helping me so much, I still struggle to meet the expectations that are required of me. It just sadly doesn't change the fact that I am just sometimes completely incapacitated from notifying them of the fact that I'm incapacitated (I live alone).

Obviously, they hate this. But I'm also not the kind of person to intentionally no call no show, and I've been here for almost 5 years, so I feel it could be handled differently. Instead, my manager and director are choosing to handle it like I'm someone who is making conscious decisions to randomly not show up to work without letting anyone know about it.

The FMLA and accommodations have helped me enough to where this hasn't been an issue for a couple months now, until the past 1-2ish weeks I started having a flare up.

Now my manager/director want to invite me (without HR) to a meeting where they will go over the rules and expectations for like the 50th time with me. The part I'm struggling with is the fact that this has nothing to do with my understanding of the expectations. It's more of a literal inability for me to do it in exactly the way/when that they want me to that results in me letting them know later than a normal person reasonable can. Them going over this for the Nth time feels more like a waste of time/energy in regards to solving a problem, at best, and, at worst, attempted intimidation.

They have already accused me once by saying that they didn't think that I even needed the accommodations I requested.

This is what I want to tell them:

>"I'm more than happy to have a conversation about it - provided that a representative from HR is present, in consideration of the fact that the conversation will be directly related to my FMLA and related health issues and there have previously been questions directed to me related to the validity of my need for the FMLA/accommodations.
Additionally, I would like to be provided with all written and other supporting documentation that [my company] maintains pertaining to this matter. And, I would like all communication going forward in the future to be done in writing.

Does this sound professional and reasonable enough? Anything that I should take out or add? Also, at what point is a red flag that I should start looking for a lawyer or something? I don't necessarily want to, but it's not looking good for me.

For annual performance reviews, my job makes us write short essays annually showcasing all of the things we worked on, accomplished or were proud of and I don’t even know how to begin writing mine this year.

And to be honest, I did do quite terrible, some of my worst work in all my 26 years of living, in fact. They are giving me a first level warning, which is not a PIP.

But, at the same time, I had probably the darkest year of my life. So, then how…..

How can I possibly even begin to explain the daily horror for me that was the past 12 months?

The days upon days upon months that were stained by:

• the brutal cutting of ties with my only group of friends on a random Tuesday…..a decision I was forced to make, sole alternative being scapegoating and verbal and emotional abuse from that same group
• shortly after, being diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and its accompanying mental purgatory, then starting SSRI for the first time
• during the first month of that SSRI, I contracted Covid, which triggered the activation of EBV virus/mono, which caused viral meningitis, which leaves me with post-viral whatever/ME-CFS to this day (if I’m lucky)……….yet somehow, not a single person around me noticed any of it at the time…….?
• just as I start to climb from the darkest haze of illness I’ve ever experienced, my employer decides to push RTO. *hard*. my manager/coach (with whom I already had a semi-poor working relationship) in trying to enforce this (which I can’t fault him for doing his job), chose to make the assumptions that I wasn’t trying hard enough, just lazy, need to work more (which I *will* fault him for)
• this same manager/coach, punishing me by taking away the autonomy and trust that two other managers happily gave me before, without question, before I was ever even promoted to my current position……..shooting down my suggestions and input, or worse, stealing them for his own……..blaming all shortcomings of the team I supervised onto me, while taking all the credit for success…….literally visibly treating me differently than he treats others on our own (all male) team
• since that’s not enough yet, my last grandparent passes away, so we have to clean out the house/land, deal with the estate and, of course, the family drama
• at the exact same time, my manager/coach goes on leave as their grandparent also passes away. and one of our longtime struggling team members, that had been placed on a PIP a year prior, finally jumps ship (rightfully), leaving us picking up the slack for one man down.
• the hassling experience of attempting to get the most minuscule workplace accommodation for the first time and finally receiving their approval….while they simultaneously tell me that I should tread carefully so that they don’t end up thinking that I don’t actually need my doctor/medically approved accommodation (all I asked for was to come in office on MWF instead of TWTh

And that’s just the stuff personal to ME. This isn’t even factoring in the more chronic things, for example:

• the inherent trauma of being someone with ADHD and Autism and a woman
• the autoimmune/MS-like symptoms I have from Long Covid and the effect it has on my life and daily function (or whatever it is, just started getting tested for it…..bc everyone thought I was exaggerating or trying to get out of things…….)
• the absolute rankest pit of a porta-potty that is the United States right now
• unfortunately no support outside of my immediate but long-distance family and my boyfriend

And finally, the worst part:

• I DID speak up. I DID say things. I told my manager/coach and my director and HR exactly what I needed. I told them exactly why I needed it. Why it would help. What I was struggling with. How I was making changes. What worked for me. What didn’t. I asked questions. I clarified. I documented. I accepted my shortcomings and also my mistakes. I offered solutions. I DID try working harder/longer. I DID communicate. I DID ask for help.

Every step of the way, I was told over and over that it was me: I wasn’t eating enough, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, I need to take more vitamins, I just need to push myself a bit more, work just a few more hours.

“You’re starting to be rude sometimes” like yes. Yes, I am. Because you’re listening but not HEARING and I don’t have enough energy to convince you otherwise, and there’s nothing I can do to give myself enough energy to do so.

I hate to say it but I have nothing but anger and disappointment and resentment for every person that's been around me for the past year. I feel so failed. And a deep burning rage from the fact that this experience is so. common. for all the other ND/disabled/minority/'othered' people out there. Why do they so happily fling themselves to assumptions? Why do they listen but they don't HEAR?