u/honeypumpkin-123

I have very slightly toned arms but still some jiggle, but that tini bit of definition i do have, always has made me want to start lifting/getting “fit” so this is more or less just my book mark of my first steps after getting the teen membership for summer!!

Ive been in gym’s/weight rooms before for sports, and just to try it out hut never actually committed to going. My anxiety and lack of knowledge has kept me away but I made a plan and went this morning for about 1.5 hours!! Im still kind of clueless on muscle groups, and the best workout to target each but I tried out a few different things today.

(what research can I do other than videos? I can copy the motions people do but form wise I feel like im doing little to nothing!!)

-I started with walking for 10 minutes, running 5, then walk 5, for a warm up

not knowing the layout of the gym i kind of cluelessly walked around lol.. kind of felt dumb but made my way to a quiet corner with the hip abductors and did 2x10 with 30lbs then 2x15

I have 0 clue what I did with the barbells other than curls (?), did squats 3x10 with 15 lbs, before heading to another leg machine that I didn’t catch the name of.. after that headed back to treadmill for another 20 minutes of walking before taking off.

Although I didn’t do much today Im still proud I got there and am starting to make progress, as just going today and sweating/pumping more than I usually do really made me feel great. Cant wait to go back!!

Background: My bf and I talk deeply about a lot of stuff, especially my mental health as we wants to know more about my struggles. While talking about something regarding my mental health, I had mentioned my relapse (October) to which he got very upset (not at me but at himself) and asked me to tell him if I ever relapsed/felt urges too.

About a week ago I had -for a few days in a row- self-harmed. I hadn’t since October-December and kind of just got into a cycle of doing it. I felt selfish about telling him, not wanting him to beat himself up/blame himself. Then again also felt selfish for not telling him due to him requesting I do so.

I ended up telling him a few hours ago, to which he was very patient and caring while I tried getting my words out, He thanked me for telling him, and i felt relieved. However after comforting me he asked me to show him the cuts (still not fully healed) because “It was necessary” for the both of us and would help us. He told me he understands Ive been through a lot and how that would cause me to turn to that, but how he also doesn’t understand how I could ever do that to myself.

He blames himself a lot for me Self-harming and my suicidal ideation/depression, stating that his love must not be enough for me to want to stay, and how he feels guilty he cant do anything to help me. I feel horrible he feels this way. I want to get better and want to keep trying for the both of us, however through setbacks it almost feels like he fails to realize i’ve been depressed and suicidal before meeting him. While being with him has helped dimmed that negativity significantly, its still apart of me that im trying to fix and its almost like he doesnt see that?

I know he has no negative intentions. Ive just been sick to my stomach since he kept persisting I show him. As well as telling me that me not being able to show him “proves” something/contradicts me feeling guilty for not telling him about the relapse.

I guess Im asking if I should’ve shown him/if it’s normal for him to ask that? I kept saying i didn’t want to, telling him i’m not proud of it and that its not something i do to flaunt and he just kept saying he wanted a definite “yes or no”.

I just don’t know how to further address this with him or if I should even bother.. during the convo the whole thing gave me urges but I could only lay in bed and think

Kickstarting fitness journey (?)

Bf asked to see SH