u/honeysuckle6538

I don't know what to do. Ex initiated break up 3 months ago.

He doesn't want to live near us (minimum if an hour away) as he doesn't want to be an 'on call dad"

Bit of background

- we have two kids aged 18 months and 5 years

- out 5 year old is autistic and needs help with a lot of daily activities e.g. eating and getting dressed. She is physically capable but heavily demand avoidant. She gets very anxious when she doesn't have autonomy. E.g. her dad had a plan to take her to the zoo (her favourite place) but she wouldn't go because it felt too pressured and because I wasn't also going.

- 5 year old going through school avoidance and I'm getting lots of assessments for her as she's just not coping. I see a difficult future ahead.

- taking both kids out together as one adult is very difficult due to safety concerns - 5 year old has run off in car parks a number of times with her dad. I am hypervigilant but he has untreated ADHD and is not on the lookout for this as much as me

- He is also saying he wants to only visit in my house

- He is staying he still wants to be involved and will stay over in a hotel several days a week nearby) and be around on weekends.

- I will be the resident parent doing all nights (both kids wake a lot in the night) and getting ready for school (which is a nightmare and my daughter needs one on one focus to get her dressed and out the door, handle all the emotions etc).

- when I ask how he thinks our oldest one to one needs will be met he just says "well they won't will they"

I'm worried sick and feel so helpless for my kids

I have two young children, 4 and 1. Two and a half months ago my ex sent me a text saying he no longer wanted to be with me. The months since then have been hideous, he has been angry, treated me with contempt and says one thing one day and then changes his mind the next. I have been emotional and pleading with him to please not do this (then feel pathetic after).

I am really struggling mentally.

I feel so strongly that this decision is going to be harmful for the kids. My oldest has autism with severe demand avoidance and needs a lot of one to one support to eat, get dressed and stay regulated. Since my toddler has been born nu ex and I have usually taken one child each. My youngest is also showing signs of autism.

I am struggling to process and accept this.

I will have the children full time and he will visit once or twice a week (his proposal). My daughter would not cope with going between houses. But I can't help but feel devastated at a)how he will shatter their world and make meeting their daily needs impossible at times (e.g. daughter will not eat enough without calm one on one time for an hour to eat dinner) and b) how it's going to destroy me as well. Never getting a break and raising a child with complex needs. Things like babysitters, after school club etc. just aren't possible for my daughter as she is far too anxious.

I have also been a stay at home parent since my eldest was born. Not married. Up until this week my ex has repeatedly lied about his financial position, (earns 100k but tries saying it was circa 40k, can muddy numbers due to own business). I feel so utterly screwed over and betrayed and pathetic that despite all he has done and the way he's treating me, I am still desperate to stay as a family unit for my kids and myself to not be screwed over. But that's not happening.