u/hotgirladhd

I’m applying to grad school for the fall because I graduate in december and I am not close with many professors because I came as a transfer student and I am pretty shy. I’m very close with one psych professor but I need 3 letters of recommendation for the grad school application. Another professor I’ve taken multiple classes with and like teaches REGS classes. (race, ethnic, and gender studies) I’m applying to both MSW program and masters in mental health counseling so i feel like that could be relevant to both because you need to be culturally competent in both those fields. Anyways Im just wondering if that would be acceptable because she knows my writing and my intelligence and she has her doctorate in women and gender studies.

i (22f) was raised by alcoholic parents. they were pretty functional though, at least my mom was. She worked full time to provide for us bc my dad was a loser who just locked himself in his room and played video games then got drunk. But they both drank heavily at home and would get drunk in social settings like restaurants and bars or friends houses, with my brother and I there. Since i was 8 I have said i am never going to drink alcohol because i saw what it did to my parents and i never wanted to be like them. People said i would change my mind but ive been legally allowed to drink for almost 2 years and still have never touched it. I was so traumatized by alcohol in my childhood i can’t stand being around anybody who is drunk. It makes it so hard to make friends or date someone because everybody fucking drinks. Every social event is at a bar or club or involves alcohol. Especially in the gay/lesbian community. I went to pride last weekend and everybody was fucking wasted and i hated it because i hate drunk people. They ignore personal space and boundaries, they act a fucking fool, and they spill their drinks on me and don’t apologize. I was talking to a girl and the night before our first date she got wasted a facetimed me talking all crazy and sexual and it completely turned me off. Then she didn’t even remember it the next morning, then threw up on our date. I tried to give her another chance but i couldn’t see her as anything other than a sloppy drunk after that first impression. I genuinely get filled with so much rage around drunk people i wanna fucking punch them. How am i supposed to find a girlfriend and make friends in my 20’s when everybody is lowkey a fucking alcoholic. I’m just so frustrated and lonely because I have like one friend because everybody loves to go out and get drunk. I haven’t been in a relationship in 18 months because again i’m outcast for not drinking/all the events i could meet a girl irl are based on alcohol. I wish i could be chill about it and just try to move past my trauma but i cant. I’ve been in therapy for 10 years. I’ve learned i just need to remove myself from situations. I can’t control other people. What’s even worse is i visited my brother in march and he is clearly an alcoholic. Drank an entire bottle of 100$ whiskey in less than 24 hours, by himself. In addition to beer and tequila. I feel so alone in the world, the last person in my family i felt safe with no longer feels safe to me. Alcoholism has torn my family apart and i will forever be fucked up because of it. and people treat me like i’m uptight or a narc because i don’t drink and i don’t like being around that but it reminds me of when i was 6 years old worrying about having to drive my mom home because she was shitfaced. Idk what to do. I always feel like i have to explain why i don’t drink and it’s something deeply traumatic and personal to me.

I think i have endo and nobody believes me (check my other post) but i cannot have anything go up my vagina. I freaked the fuck out when the dr tried to put the speculum in at my first well woman visit a few months ago and it was so painful. I’ve never been able to use tampons, i think i have vaginismus. I’m also a lesbian so nothing goes up there. But i’m worried my inability to have things up my vagina will further hinder me trying to get someone to listen to me. The doctor had told me when i said i think i have endo that they don’t like to diagnose endo because the only way is through surgery. But i know it can sometimes be seen on transvaginal ultrasounds. But again i cannot even do that. Is there anything else that can help them see it? I just want someone to listen to me but nobody cares. I tried to make an appointment with an endometriosis specialist but they said since i don’t have a diagnosis i can’t see her. When i first made an appointment i told them i think i have endo and they asked me all these questions and sounded like they cared until they found out i don’t have a diagnosis.

Im 22 and I have extremely painful and heavy periods. I didn’t get my period until i was 16 and for the first year or so my period was 12 days straight of heavy bleeding. It became irregular and i would go months without one then have two in one month. I got on continuous birth control (seasonale) when i was 19 to stop my periods it worked for a while only having a period every 3 months but i had constant breakthrough bleeding and i couldn’t even go the full three months because i felt like i would explode. (also im a lesbian btw so im literally only on bc for my horrendous periods). I switched to the patch last summer hoping it would work to hold off my period for as long as possible because my period disables me. But it wasn’t working to use continuously and i was still having breakthrough bleeding.

Anyways I don’t have a primary care doctor and had never seen a gynecologist because last year i got too scared and cancelled the appt. I decided i’m tired of living like this so i called a local practice near me and requested an appointment for my painful periods/suspected endometriosis. I went in december and told her my symptoms; heavy periods, 10/10 pain from cramps, throwing up from cramps, constipation, stabbing pains in my abdomen and lower back, painful bowel movements, feeling faint and dizzy on my period. She said “we don’t like to diagnose endo because you would have to get surgery” and suggested i try switching to nexplanon. I said “don’t some people get like constant bleeding on nexplanon?” and she said yeah but for some people their period stops all together. She said i might need a break from continuous birth control and try having my period for a few months. and i told her my period is literally so bad i can’t do that. She basically said there’s no reason to cut me open because birth control is the treatment for endometriosis anyway so there’s nothing more i can do. She suggested i take fucking ibuprofen. I felt so dismissed and discouraged but at the time i thought she is a doctor and she knows best. I didn’t even get an exam that appointment i made an appt for a well woman visit for march and when that came around it was a different doctor. I had still been using the birth control patch and taking a break only when i was about to burst again. But i was so nervous about getting something put inside me i wasn’t focused on my periods. I arrive for my well woman visit and i’m terrified and then they inform me my doctor isn’t there another doctor will see me. A MAN?! i said FUCK NO. I start crying and luckily my mom was with me she advocated for me. Anyways (sorry this is so long) they find a woman to see me and when we get to the part where she has to put the speculum in it hurts so bad i’m screaming and crying and tell her to stop. She stops and that was that. So I didn’t get a proper exam and it was so traumatizing. Basically we end the appointment there because it was so bad. We don’t even talk about my pain or my periods i just needed to get the fuck out of there. Anyways (sorry i keep saying anyways) I took off my patch on sunday due to cramping and breakthrough bleeding and This is one of the worst periods i’ve had in so long. It’s 10/10 pain i can barely sleep, im crying in pain, i’m using heating pad 24/7 but it doesn’t help. I’m taking pamprin every few hours it doesn’t help. I’m bedbound, stuck in a fetal position clutching my stomach. Now i’m on a new insurance which sucks ass and my deductible started all over and i can’t even afford to see another gyno but i just dont know what to do. I have a high pain tolerance. I have tattoos, I have chronic migraines i know pain. Just feeling so dismissed by a woman doctor was so crushing. I also have anxiety and have for my whole life but so often i’ve been belittled or not taken seriously in hospitals or at doctors because they assume i’m being dramatic or a hypochondriac. Also i had a blood test recently and im anemic as fuck my ferritin was 8. I’ve been taking supplements but no help. Also I’ve had my hormones checked, thyroid, all that jazz all normal. I want an endometrial ablation. But nobody will give it to me without a diagnosis and in order to be diagnosed i need surgery and in order to get that someone has to fucking believe me. And then go through the hoops of insurance approval. It’s too much.
do doubt anybody read all that so i’m basically talking into the void but idk what to do. This is ruining my life.