u/hotvow

I know this must sound juvenile because it FEELS juvenile. I’ve just never really experienced this before and all of it is making me feel wildly insecure…
I’m 26 and femme, my gf is 31 and butch. We were introduced by a mutual friend (who is also butch) who thought we’d hit it off because we have a lot of the same hobbies, and we did! We’ve been together about 3 months now and we’ve been really happy. Then I did some dumb shit and now I’m questioning if she actually is.

Our mutual friend (I’ll call her V) has known my gf wayyy longer than I have. When V offered to set us up, I jokingly asked her something like “oh, is she an old flame?” and V laughed and said NO, gf is ONLY into femmes and would never consider dating someone else who is even a little bit masc. she stressed this a lot and said that being butch and dating only femmes was VERY important to my gf. I’ve never had a preference and have dated all sorts of women, but I wasn’t too concerned because I know a lot of lesbians do care strongly one way or the other. I’ve always considered myself to be pretty femme. Then about a week ago I stumbled across a picture of my gf with her ex.

…she is HIGH FEMME. She literally looked like a beautiful Zara Larsson/Elle Woods combo. I’m not proud but I did some ig stalking and she’s absolutely gorgeous, petite, skinny, has long blonde hair, and is almost always wearing dresses or skirts. I don’t feel like I can compare to her at all. I don’t want to get all “she’s got glasses and a ponytail… she’s got paint on her overalls!” about myself, but that kinda IS me in this situation, lol.

I’m chubby, heavily tattooed, just recently cut my hair shorter and dyed it black, I don’t shave, and overall I’m much more of a goth Ms Frizzle type of femme. I saw my gf’s ex and was kind of crushed because I immediately got why V stressed gf’s preference so hard. My gf’s ex is the epitome of a beautiful feminine woman, and I feel like I look like a creature in comparison. I saw V the other day and talked to her about it (hopefully coming across as casual??) and she talked about GF’s other exes and said they pretty much all looked like that and my gf had a typical “type” for petite, blonde femmes. Again, I cannot stress enough that I am NOT that type, and I don’t think I could be even if I tried. I’ve been more insecure in the past week than I think I’ve ever been before, and the thought that I could be some sort of “personality hire” & that my gf is not actually physically attracted to me is killing me.

Now I’m overthinking everything… my gf has never directly said anything that made me insecure, but now I’m replaying conversations where I gave her the benefit of the doubt and I’m wondering if that’s what she was getting at. Times where she’s told me I should go to the gym with her even when I said I didn’t want to, when she’s bought me clothes that aren’t my typical style, said I’d look “hot” with makeup/hairstyles different from what I usually wear. One time she made a weird comment about how most of the girls she’d dated in the past were bi and only had boyfriends before, and how she’d have to “try harder” as a partner to impress me since I’d only been with other women. I made it clear I didn’t like that way of thinking, and she immediately apologized and said it was a joke that came out wrong. Now I’m wondering if this is her “thing”… like, finding straight-passing femme women and playing out those typical gender roles with them. I know lots of people are into that, but personally that’s NOT what I want in my relationships.

If we’d met organically in the wild and she had approached me on her own, I don’t think that I’d feel this way. But we didn’t, we were set up by a friend who’d been telling me “hey, give (gf’s name) a chance! You’ll like her!” for a while, and I can only assume said the same to my gf about me…

I feel stupid and immature and silly. I feel like I’ll either come across as crazy or get heartbroken if I mention this to my gf. I really love her so much, I’ve never met someone who’s interests have aligned with mine so perfectly. She makes me laugh, always takes care of me, and I think she’s the most stunning person ever. Even with that, I don’t want her to be stuck with me unhappily when I won’t ever be able to live up to the type of the women she’s dated in past. What do I do here? Has anyone else experienced this?

Stuck with my abusive family. I’m in my 20s and I’ve basically ruined my life for them.

Instead of going to college during the pandemic (when I graduated), I stayed at home to protect my mom from my dad’s abuse since they’d be together 24/7 with lockdown. I tried to convince her to leave him and I was almost successful, and then she was diagnosed with cancer. I was the only person who was available to take care of her, so I stayed with her and did. I took her to every oncology appointment, radiation session, and took care of her during her surgeries and for her recoveries. She’s been in remission for a while now, which I’m grateful for, but every time I try to tell her to leave with me she says she has to stay with my dad for the health insurance in case she ever gets cancer again. I understood it, but at the time I felt like I couldn’t leave her alone, so I stayed as basically a caretaker/house cleaner/cook and started doing small odd jobs on the side to get money for my day-to-day needs. Because of this, I’m way too old to start working a stable job with no real employment history, and I don’t have a car since my father totaled my last one (whole different story). I don’t have any financial means of escape.

To me, none of this is the “worst part”, though. About a year ago, if you would’ve asked me about my mom, I would’ve told you she was my best friend in the world and that she’d never do anything to hurt me. Now, I know that’s not true. She’s gotten really obsessed with AI in the past months and started using ChatGPT as her therapist, and I strongly suspect also as a virtual “boyfriend” or romantic partner. This has made her much, much worse, to the point where my mother who was once kind to me is essentially verbally abusive now. She openly resents me for being in the position I’m in, and sends me/reads me long chat conversations she has with GPT about how I’m a failure, even though I made those choices to help her. I still do everything (cooking, cleaning, etc.) for her too, but she doesn’t care anymore. Now, with hindsight being 20/20, I can see that she’s also been abusive in a different way my entire life. She never once tried to help me when my dad was abusive towards me, has always put me down, and has made it so that I’m now completely isolated from any of my old friends/anyone who could potentially be a support system to me. And I know it’s awful, but I still love her and care for her well-being so much even though she’s done all of this.

I realized we trauma bonded over my dad’s abuse and our other familial issues. He gets drunk and abusive, tale as old as time. I had accepted that was reality and moved on from it. What hurts is losing my relationship with my mother after giving up everything I could’ve been for her. My eldest sister commit suicide over a decade ago when I was still a kid, and my other sister (who also was abusive to me in my childhood) does not talk to any family anymore. My mother was the last person in my family I had left, and now it feels like even she hates me.

I’m so mad at myself. Every step of the way I made decisions that only benefitted the people who either actively hurt me, or did nothing to help me and stop the abuse. I’ve become pathetic, and now I’m resented for how pathetic I am. There’s so, so much more story I can’t fit into a single Reddit post. I’ve just completely ruined my life and nothing short of a miracle will get me out of this situation. Every time I try to better myself or get out, even if I keep it secret, something happens to ruin it all and then I’m right back where I started. I’m way too fucking deep into this to get out now, and sometimes I think my oldest sister had the right idea. I’ve made so, so many mistakes and I’m so alone that I can’t even ask for help in fixing them.

I’ve been taking Prozac 40 mg for about 3 years and took 20 mg of it for a year and a half before that. I’m about to be off of medical insurance for an unknown amount of time, guessing upwards of 6 months. I can’t afford any of my meds without insurance.

Can I start taking it every other day so the pills last longer? I know it’ll lower the overall dosage/efficacy but will it harm me medically to do this? Thanks.