u/hypnotic-1

Hi all.

Sorry this a bit long but I really need some advice, particularly from INFJs, because I am currently doing the extremely INFP thing of feeling everything and then analysing the hell out of it.

I’m an INFP female and also an HSP. I feel things very deeply. I’m whimsical, sentimental, excitable, I love people and animals and nature and stars and tiny beautiful things. I tend to see a lot of wonder in the world.

This is relevant, I promise. 😂

After a string of pretty bad dating experiences (including a controlling relationship), I had consciously decided to keep my options VERY open and not allow myself to get excited about any one man too quickly (because I get hurt easily).

This is actually difficult for me. Even platonically, when I meet someone and think, Oh! You might be one of my people, I get genuinely excited about having that person in my life.

So with dating, I've been trying very hard to rein that part of myself in and protect my heart a little better.

Then I met this guy on a dating app.

He lives a couple of hours away from me at the moment, although he permanently lives in another state. His job is pretty gruelling and operates on roughly a two-weeks-on/two-weeks-off arrangement.

When we very first started talking, he seemed extremely enthusiastic. He sent me multiple voice notes, was quite persistent about talking to me and seemed very interested.

Then, after that initial period, his communication became much more sporadic.

I didn't know he was an INFJ at this point (among the 50,000 topics that we talked about on our date - MBTI was one of them and he told me he is INFJ).

Under my new self-protective dating rules, sporadic communication = he's probably talking to/dating a lot of women, or he's just not particularly interested in me.

And that's fine. People are allowed not to be interested in me. But if I think that's what's happening, I deliberately don't let myself become emotionally invested.

So I had actually been putting off meeting him and continued talking to other potential dates (which to be honest I am very much a person who prefers having 1 connection only but as I said - bad experiences have made me shut that part of myself down a little)

He'd hinted at meeting before but never really made a plan with me so to be honest I had kinda given up on the idea of him. He had gone back to his home state for his 'off' cycle and he was very quiet during that time - lucky if i got a good morning or anything so I actually made the decision to cut off any feelings I had about him and I meeting up/being a thing. As such I stopped opening his messages immediately and let them sit for while. Eventually he noticed and suddenly he had double texted/sent a pic or something. I still didn't budge on the thought in my mind but I still talked a bit to him.

Last Thursday he asked if I was going to be in Brisbane that weekend. I told him no because I had already had plans (I did which I had made because I felt he wasn't interested in me really!!).

Then my plans unexpectedly changed on Saturday and I was pretty annoyed about it so I made the decision that rather than sit around being angry I was going to go for a drive to the city 2 ours away even if i just went and sat in a cafe.

Right at that moment he sent me a message and during course of convo - I told him I might actually go to Brisbane that night.

Full disclosure: I was kinda hoping he'd say he wanted to see me.

He did.

And suddenly this sporadic, difficult-to-read man was VERY enthusiastic.

He told me when he finished work and essentially said, I finish at 1:30, I can be anywhere by 3.

Eventually I directly asked, "Would you actually want to meet me if I came to Brisbane tonight?"

And he basically responded:

"Yes, of course. I've been waiting a long time."

And I remember thinking: YOU HAVE????????!

Because I genuinely had absolutely no idea.

Nothing about the frequency of his messages had given me the impression that this man was sitting there eagerly waiting to meet me. He didn't have his car with him, so he initially said he'd catch a train to wherever he could meet me. Instead I offered to pick him up from work. I suggested we go to a lookout I love just because the view is so pretty. He told me he'd never been there before but had always wanted to go, which made me ridiculously happy.

Then I met him.

And...

Oh.

I genuinely don't know how to explain what happened in my brain when I saw him without sounding completely ridiculous. I've dated. I've had relationships. I've been attracted to men. I've really liked men. I have never in my life experienced whatever the hell happened when I met this man.

We'd already joked beforehand about me being a hugger because I like to always check with other humans that they are okay with my greeting hugs rather than just hugging them unannounced) and he said he wanted me to hug him when we met. As such after getting out of the car and then freaking out because the handsomest tallest man was walking towards me - I immediately hugged him (the next day he told me he really liked that first hug). Within about five minutes of driving, I'd already blurted out something along the lines of:

"Wow. You're so handsome. It's actually difficult to concentrate on driving while you're sitting there in my passenger seat." Very smooth of me. 😂

At some point, my hand apparently developed a mind of its own and ended up resting on his knee. He immediately reciprocated and put his hand on my leg and we held hands the whole drive then. About 20 minutes into the drive, we stopped at a traffic light and because apparently I become a bizarre little creature when I really like someone, I gestured for him to come closer and kissed him on the cheek. About three traffic lights later, he suddenly leaned over and kissed me on the cheek just as I had done to him.

We got to the lookout and ended up spending HOURS together. Talking. Laughing. Hugging. Kissing. Holding each other. Just being close. And he stared at me constantly. I don't mean quick glances. There were so many moments where I'd realise he was just... staring at me. And I loved it. There was obviously a lot of physical attraction between us as well. Some other things nearly happened but logistics and him being a gentleman prevented it, which was probably for the best. But honestly, the physical/sexual part isn't even the thing that's stuck with me.

I just felt incredibly comfortable with him.

During the closing of the date after I drove him back to work he asked when I'd next be in Brisbane. I told him the following Sunday and we basically agreed we'd see each other again that night. There's also something he's really interested in, and during our date I told him I'd thought of something special I'd like to take him to do sometime (he has a particular thing he really geeks out on and I want to take him on a special date related to that). He seemed genuinely excited about it and said he'd love that. I lost my phone somewhere in the car and he said 'that reminds me' and said he would call my phone and I cutely asked 'are you asking me for my ph number'. he said yes and then put it in his phone. note he has not used my phone number since and continues to message me via snap :|

Eventually I had to leave because I had a couple of hours to drive home and he had work the next day (well that day cos it was after midnight). Before I left him, I jokingly told him to send me a message so I'd have something cute waiting to read when I finally got home. When I got home, there was a message waiting for me:

"Night night, cutie. I had a great time with you tonight."

I told him I'd had a great time too.

The next day we messaged back and forth on Snapchat and everything still seemed really positive. Because he'd stared at me so much during our date, I actually told him:

"I liked it when you were looking at me last night."

He replied:

"I couldn't keep my eyes off you."

Which, obviously, did absolutely nothing to help my poor INFP brain remain emotionally sensible about this situation.😂. I told him I'd wanted to look at him more too, but I was worried I'd look goofy sitting there staring at him. He said "you looked pretty".

So at that point, I really wasn't getting the impression that he'd woken up the next morning regretting the date or that the attraction had been one-sided. If anything, I thought he was confirming that he'd felt it too. Monday there wasn't heaps of communication, but there was some. He asked what I do for work. We talked a little about that. Then there was a gap of quite a few hours, after which he initiated a conversation with me again and messaged:

"How was your day, cutie?"

I told him what I'd been doing and that I was at the gym. Later we were talking about stars and he said he was jealous. He also randomly asked me whether I work all weekdays. I answered, but then I worried my answer wasn't clear enough and explained it again. He basically said he'd realised what I meant the first time. And I admitted: "Sometimes I overthink what I've said."

Which may be the understatement of the century considering I'm now writing an essay about this man on Reddit.

Tuesday morning, I messaged him first to wish him a good day (did nto want him to feel like he has to make all the effort). He sent me a screenshot of something he was doing for work. I teased him about it, he responded with something pretty sexual and we continued an inside joke from our date.

Later in the day I went outside. The wind was blowing through the trees and the birds were singing and it just sounded really peaceful. Because I know his job can be intense and noisy, I took a little video and sent it to him, basically saying that the birds and wind sounded nice and he could listen to it if he wanted a break from the noisy world. He heart-reacted to it. A bit later, I sent him another message. I had been thinking about that particular thing he'd done during our date that had made me feel really safe. So I thanked him for it. I basically told him that he'd made me feel safe in that moment, that I appreciated it and that I appreciated that he was a good man. I specifically added that he didn't need to answer because I knew he was working (and also because I knew from our date that he is INFJ so didn't want him to feel pressured in any way to respond to me).

He replied anyway with a thank you, a red heart and a kissy face. I somehow didn't notice the kissy face at first. About half an hour later I saw it and sent a kissy face back.

And...

Nothing since.

It's now been almost 24 hours and this is where my brain is fighting an actual civil war with itself.

One part of me says:

If a man really likes you, he wants to talk to you. A man who's genuinely excited about you doesn't just leave you sitting on read for 24 hours after a date like that. He's lost interest. Accept it and move on.

Another part says:

But this man already demonstrated BEFORE meeting you that he can communicate sporadically even when he apparently IS interested. You literally thought he wasn't that interested, only to discover he'd apparently been "waiting a long time" to meet you. His job is intense. Maybe he disappears into his own world when he's working. Stop panicking.

Then there's a third part yelling:

personality type doesn't matter. If someone is really into you, they'll contact you even if they are doing underwater research.

So I genuinely don't know what to think. I haven't double-texted him. I haven't asked if something is wrong. I haven't sent another meme/video/photo or tried to manufacture an excuse to talk to him. I've just left it. My last contact with him is literally the kissy face I sent back yesterday. Technically, as far as I know, we still have plans to see each other Sunday night when I'm in Brisbane but I am starting to feel like that may not be the case.

But I really, really like this man.

And the LAST thing I want to do is take someone who actually does feel positively toward me and turn him off because I suddenly become needy, clingy or demanding of constant reassurance. At the same time, my previous dating experiences have taught me to associate silence with somebody losing interest. The last time I tried being the chill woman who gives a man space, I literally told a guy, "Don't worry about texting me for a few days." He REALLY took me up on that offer. Eventually I had to contact him the night before our supposed date to find out whether it was even happening. He cancelled saying 'I feel like I can't be what you need' (mind you he barely knew me let alone what I do or don't want haha) then two weeks later starts blowing up my phone and doing grand gestures left and right before being an ass that I had to cut off.

So silence does not exactly make my nervous system sing with joy.

There's another complication too: there's a significant age gap between this INFJ man and me - more than would generally be considered typical. He matched with me knowing that and I brought it up again during our very first conversation but he was persistent and said he couldn't care less about it.

Strangely, though, that isn't even what's worrying me right now.

What scares me is the possibility that I experienced something enormously meaningful that perhaps he just... didn't. Because when I say this felt different, I mean different. I'm very genuinely an INFP to my core. I'm whimsical. I'm sentimental. I'm ridiculously sensitive. I get excited about tiny beautiful things. I see a lot of wonder in the world. And meeting him felt like stars exploding in front of me. Lame? Probably. But it's genuinely the only way I know how to describe it. I have never experienced that feeling with a man before in my entire life.

And maybe that's exactly why 24 hours of silence feels so enormous to me when objectively it... probably isn't enormous.

So, INFJs of Reddit, please help an INFP out.

Does his behaviour sound consistent with an INFJ who could genuinely be VERY interested in someone but still happily disappear into his own world for a day or two, especially while working?

Is 24 hours of silence something that wouldn't even register as significant to you?

Do I leave him completely alone and wait for him to contact me?

Or would an INFJ actually appreciate receiving a little message from someone they like, rather than interpreting it as pressure or neediness?

And at what point would you interpret this kind of silence as lack of interest?

Because right now I can't tell whether I'm supposed to give this lovely, mysterious INFJ man some space...

...or accept that he didn't feel what I felt, give up and spend the next year dramatically listening to Lana Del Rey while staring out of rain-covered windows, missing him and wishing I'd never discovered what an actual connection feels like.

Please advise. 😂