u/iderkwgo

I made it 15 hours with the intent of taking a break from smoking. But I gathered all our smoking things and noticed there was enough for one good bong hit. I knew I shouldn’t. But I did it and Idk why.

I had a sober morning, felt like shit mentally but forced myself to go to the park and walk, went grocery shopping and within 10 minutes of being home, I caved! Man this sucks to know how weak I am.

See with alcohol, the damage was immediate and it was obvious, so it made quitting easier. But with weed, the damage is subtle but it builds onto each day. I’m exhausted, I’m unmotivated, I tell myself I’m content despite knowing deep down I’m not. I’m constantly thinking myself into anxiety attacks when I smoke.

Im distracted and only doing half of the hard work. Quitting alcohol was easy, quitting Xanax was easy, but quitting all my distractions has been damn near impossible. No matter how many breaks I take from smoking or how long those breaks are, it’s always as if I never stopped at all. I abuse smoking weed a lot like I did drinking alcohol. Can never quite get enough. Chasing my escape. I used to hide inside my head all day as a kid and substances help me get back there even if I end up torturing myself the whole time I’m there.

I’ve been going too hard for too long smoking weed and I feel like a zombie. I’m not so sure I even enjoy it anymore though I crave it so intensely. It destroys my life in a totally different way than alcohol did. It’s a slow burn… It helps my mind sabotage all of the hard work I’ve already been putting in, all for slithers of “comfort” that ain’t even that comfortable after all. It causes me to replay everything that’s ever been wrong, breaking everything down and overanalyzing shit I cannot change.

I know sober life isn’t “boring,” it’s peaceful just without the familiar chaos, it feels “boring” because you’re safe and things are calm, but still, I fear a totally sober life. The thought of it feels so isolating and lonely.

Long read (but worth it, in my opinion)

I’m the same lost little girl I use to be, only now I’m turning 30 this year. I’m curious what my father would say to me if he was still here, how he’d support me of my decision to put down alcohol in this lifetime. I’ll never know though because I’ve essentially grieved a stranger my entire life.

In October I will be sober from alcohol for 2 years. I’m preemptively celebrating because there’s no chance I mess this up. I’m too scared of what that would look like, what it’d do to my mental health and all of the hard work ive put into my healing.

I had a rough upbringing where alcohol surrounded me. It took the physical life of my father, it made an absent parent of my mother. It destroyed my childhood and the person I could’ve been had I had two loving, mature parents to raise me.

My father died by DUI before I was 4 and for the remainder of my upbringing, I watched my mother choose alcohol over my siblings and I until I was 20 years old. So many opportunities to quit, so little care to. She waited long enough to quit til the foundation had already been set and I had become a shell of a person. But hey at least the day I hoped for came. It is what it is, right?

Even after witnessing the brunt of her alcoholism, I still chose to follow in her footsteps. I started drinking at a young age, and though I didn’t do it often, I’d always go overboard.

As I got older, alcohol didn’t mix with my body’s chemistry anymore. Something, somewhere, shifted. I’d always end even the best nights in absolute despair. I would scream, cry and hyperventilate to my husband about how unfair it is that I have to live my entire life without my father, how unfair it is that I was mentally altered before I had a say so in it. I would then physically hurt my body just to displace some of that pain that I felt so deep in my heart. My drinking caused a lot of pain, strain and arguments in my marriage and my everyday life.

The next morning, I’d be so down on myself, how I’m so tired of this endless cycle of such deep sadness and sorrow, and I can’t imagine a life where this continues.

For weeks to follow I’d be in the deepest lows I know and each time it’s like somehow I’ve dug it deeper. Looking back, it genuinely feels like I was digging my own grave. I had never been more scared of myself than when I was drinking. I feared I would take myself out of this world on impulse because of how hopeless I felt. And because I didn’t drink often, by time I could start feeling “normal” again, it was time for my monthly alcohol binge, so it truly was a never ending cycle.

On October 19th, 2024, I sat in my back yard around a fire with my husband and my best friend, and I drank for the last time.

The first 3-6 months following was hard, I didn’t feel any benefits mentally at that point because I was still too bummed about committing to this as a whole and bargaining with myself about the length of this sobriety. I was still going out and socializing but ordering mocktails instead. It wasn’t fun anymore though and everyone was getting under my skin. I eventually just started dropping my husband off, it was my civic duty making sure he arriving from and to home safely. I did and still do enjoy doing that.

I’m six months away from 2 years sober from alcohol and man this is great! I’m here today sharing this story because I stayed true to something I knew deep down was imperative to my well-being. Alcoholism runs deep in this family, and it doesn’t mix well with our DNA.

I feel like the fog has cleared and I can see just how much damage-control I need to do. I feel like the repairing can finally begin. I can think slower, more organized, I’m more determined and just a little bit less distracted from the goals I thought were previously unreachable.

I’m not getting younger. I’m almost 30. I don’t have time to waste. Yeah, it sucks what alcohol has robbed from me already in this lifetime. And I can choose to wallow in all of those sorrows if I want to. But life doesn’t stop for me to get my shit together. Either I do it or I don’t. The world does not care. But we should, and I do. I can break cycles and do hard things. I am so much more capable than I give myself credit for!

It hurts my heart a little when I think about all of the times I was deeply hopeless, and how willing I was to throw away this precious gift of life I was given. Today, I feel like I don’t have enough days on earth. I’m truly thankful for every single day I get to wake up next to my loving, supportive husband in our home. Life is good.

So good.

Alcohol is all I’ve ever known and I still will never go back, no matter how familiar it is.