u/idontwannabeheredude

My family decided to go on vacation, my parents and my brother. They’re going somewhere that I have zero interest in going to, plus my dad has basically destroyed our relationship and I can’t keep pretending like this is okay.

I was struggling with addiction in silence, and less than a year ago my dad caught me having a seizure and I was overdosing and dying. I was so messed up that I could barely speak. I blacked out and when I came to, he was screaming at me and interrogating me. I tried to tell him that I was having trouble talking and that he was scaring me. He told me he didn’t care and started to threaten me, he tore my room apart in front of me to look for anything I’d been hiding, which I wasn’t hiding anything except for some personal items I’d rather him not find.

He didn’t put my room back into place and told me that I’m no longer allowed to order packages, he said he is taking my door off of my room, and said I’m not allowed to be alone at all.

The whole thing lasted for an hour, just him yelling and threatening me. He never apologized for it, and acts like everything is okay. He is a hypocrite because he is an addict as well but apparently only his addiction is allowed in this household. I obviously feel terrible that he found me like that, but never once did he ask me if I was doing okay after that, or tried to see if I needed help, he only cared about catching me in the act.

So of course I don’t want to go on a vacation with him. I’ve been avoiding him since this has happened, the way I still get nightmares about that night and the trauma it caused me, our relationship is basically gone and if he doesn’t apologize to me, I won’t be speaking to him again when I move out.

A month or so ago, my mom announced that a couple from our church is letting us stay at their cabin on a lake for four days. I automatically was turned off to the idea because I’m not a lake person, and I’m really not a fan of vacations, either, because I like to stick to my routine, it’s what makes me happy. Plus, my parents have pretty much destroyed their relationship with me in the past year, hiding my period medication from me, to going through all my packages and just completely violating my privacy.

I told my mom when she found out we could stay there that I wasn’t going to go, and I explained that I just wanted to stick to my routine and I know I wouldn’t have fun doing something like staying by a lake. She got all upset with me and said I HAVE to go, because it’s a family trip.

I think I just want some advice because I definitely don’t want to go but my parents are saying I have no choice in the matter. I’m almost 21 years old, I still live with both of them, but do I actually have to go? I don’t want to.

I want to be a boy so bad, I was born a girl. But I know I’ll never actually be a cis male, which hurts. I started transitioning at 13 and started testosterone when I turned 18.

I’m really short and I know I pass as a male, but I haven’t gotten any surgeries done and I also have wide hips, I just look like a chubby male. I look up to male influencers and wish they were me, I’ve been on testosterone for years and I have a deep voice and facial hair. I’m not going to stop taking the hormones because it wouldn’t be the same, I just wish I had never started.

I’m into men, and I look at these girls that men get with and I envy them, I want to be a girl that is able to catch the attention of men. I thought I was into girls but I’m not. I get attention from girls but I don’t have the parts that they want, and I find myself crushing on men like a girl would, if that makes any sense.

I just wish I was born a cis male, but since I wasn’t, I wish I never transitioned, I can’t go back now, it would be too much of a hassle, plus irreversible things. I just needed to vent, I’ve been feeling so sad lately.

Edit:

Another thing I really struggle with is that if I stopped taking the hormones and started de-transitioning, it would take me a long time to pass as a woman again, IF I even managed to, and I would look like a male transitioning into a female and I don’t want to be viewed like that. I go to the gym every day, and I can’t imagine everyone there perceiving me and everything that is happening with me. I wish I could flip a switch and just undo everything…

Plus, all of my friends are male and think that I’m a cis male. I have no idea how they’d react to any of this or if they would cut me out…

Another edit:

I get a lot of attention online for being an attractive guy. But I’ve had people in my dms before asking for… you know what pics. I always make up an excuse, because I present myself as a cis guy online even though I’m not. I like having facial hair, but I remember when I see myself without clothes that I’m not a cis male and never will be, no matter how many years go by of taking T. I feel so lost and depressed. I’ve been so suicidal for basically my entire transition but especially as of recently, I need to do something but idk what, I feel afraid and alone.