u/ihatedalchawal

I know my ex is sleeping with other people since a long time now. My brain is so evil, it keeps making me imagine him with other women again and again. I can’t handle the pain. It is excruciating. It feels like being cheated on. It feels like torture.

How do you cope with something like this? Whats the best way to reduce the pain?

And soon it will surpass the relationship. It hurts so bad. I wish you’d come back to me. I wish I could get my old life back with you. Nothing feels the same anymore.

What are you doing right now? Are you too awake like me because you can’t stop crying? Do you still think about me? Do you cry yourself to sleep every day like I do? Do you look for me whenever you revisit our old spots? My eyes are always trying to find you everywhere I go, hoping I see you again. I don’t know what I’m more terrified of, actually seeing you or never seeing you again for the rest of my life.

Breakup happened 6 months ago. Not a very long time, but feels like I’ve been living in an endless nightmare. My first relationship ever. Wanted to marry him. The Frost by Mitski is one of my last saviours that help me feel seen and understood.

“After everyone’s long and gone, but me, I was hiding, or forgotten, the only one left”

My boyfriend left me because he wasn’t “made for monogamy” and preferred a lifestyle where he could have the ultimate freedom to do whatever he wanted, have multiple sexual encounters and partners without restrictions and commitment. I certainly feel abandoned, like I’m the only one left behind in this broken relationship and a memory palace, you can say.

”With no one, no one to share the memory of frost out the window, this morning after you’re gone, and the house is mine alone”

I don’t have a lot of friends. The 2 friends I have were sadly of no help or support in this matter. They just tell me to move on as if I’m voluntarily in this situation. It feels like I have “no one to share the memory of frost”. Not friends, not family, not my ex, because he has “left this morning”.

”You’re my best friend, now I have no one to tell, how I lost my best friend”

Pretty self explanatory. This line has a kill count, I’m sure.

”The frost, it looks like we’ve been left in the attic, but you’re not here to see. It’s just witness-less me”

Feels like I am all alone with all these memories, goals, promises, plans etc we had made during the relationship. I feel so abandoned that I don’t want to abandon these feelings and beautiful memories. It would be unfair to our relationship. It would be a waste of effort and sacrifice and tears.

I had given my soul to the relationship. I have sacrificed a lot to make it work. Because this was the first time I had met someone who listened to me, understood and remembered what I said, loved me for exactly who I was, appreciated me.

I am a very socially awkward person. I have an incredibly hard time socialising, relating with others, maintaining friendships etc. I say this without the intention of sounding like a cornball, but I’m genuinely very weird in real life, especially in social situations. I have doubts about being on the spectrum.

For someone like me, finding a person who genuinely not only understood me, but also appreciated me and even loved me with whatever capacity, it was like entering into another world. And now I feel like I’m left all alone in that lovely world, just like Mitski describes in her song. I don’t want to move on from that. It feels like I’m betraying and abandoning something very important to me.

My ex broke up with me because he realised he wasn’t made for monogamy and wanted to continue sleeping with other women without committing to anyone.

I am fully aware that he is now dating other women. In the last conversation he had, he admitted that he was sexually active and is going out on casual dates with multiple women. Technically we are broken up and he’s not in the wrong for doing activities that single people do.

But this man had promised me forever. He always reassured me that he will never leave me, and then he did. And my evil, cruel mind keeps showing me images and visuals of him with other women. I see them in my dreams. I see them when I’m working. I see them all day, every day. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare.

Every time i remember what he’s doing, i feel like I’m being stabbed. A hole has opened up in my chest. I can’t stop crying. Not to mention, it’s been 6 months since the breakup. It wasn’t recent, yet i have experienced no improvement in my moving on process.

I want to escape this nightmare. I want the images to stop. I want to stop caring. I want to forget he exists. I want to forget we ever had our relationship. It was my first relationship ever. The first time someone had understood me, listened to me, loved me for who I was. I wish I had never experienced so much happiness and peace and safety. Because when it’s over and you have to go back to your shitty life, it’s mind-alteringly depressing.

I have no specific identity of my own. No real self. Only masks and mirroring techniques in the name of a personality. My sense of self is non-existent. I don’t have goals. I don’t have a purpose. I don’t have any ambitions. I don’t wish to work. I don’t feel curious about things. I have little to no interest in anything. I have spent my life on auto pilot.

But there was a period in my life where I found someone who matched my frequency. I knew him for 3 years. We got into a relationship. Life didn’t feel so hollow anymore. I immersed myself in his world. Made his family mine. Made his routine mine. Found my purpose in him. He made me feel so alive. He made me feel like I mattered and I had value. Being with him opened so my doors for me in life. There was a raging void of self in my and he filled it perfectly. And then he left me. For his selfish reasons, he abandoned me.

Now the emptiness is back again. And the most prominent advice I have gotten is to “build a life”. To get some hobby, to meet new people, to develop a sense of self. To have my own life so I don’t need someone else’s to feel normal.

But nobody understands that I don’t want to. I’ve been su*cidal since I was like 8 or 9 years old. I’ve spent my whole life telling myself that things will get better. They have not gotten better, they have actively gotten worse for me. I have been ideating su*cide for years. I don’t want to “build” anything. I haven’t attempted yet due to reasons that are strong enough to stop me for now. But I am desperate for this life to end. An accident or a disease. I’m open to anything that isn’t chronic.

Why should I build a life? This life has offered me nothing but suffering. I have no reasons to put so much effort and build a life and a sense of self. I have no achievements, no friends, a very shitty family, no talents, no goals and ambitions. I was given a taste of happiness and contentment only for it to be cruelly taken away from me.

Every day I wish that all of this is a bad dream and I will wake up with him beside me again. But he is gone. He is enjoying his life. He is now a constant reminder that I am left with nothing. He had his own friends, he parties, he has a wonderful family, he has independence, he has financial stability, he has hobbies, he goes to the gym, he has confidence and charm and intelligence, he is already dating others and sleeping around and enjoying his life.

I, on the other hand, can’t even get out of bed anymore. Basic tasks are a struggle. I have to smoke cigarettes so I can suppress the pain and get some basic work done. I have no friends who I can ask for support. I reached out to a therapist and got ghosted. I’m failing in my personal projects that I had started when I was with him. Every day is a nightmare. And people think “building a life” will help me. I think they’re all wrong. Some people are just meant to be miserable and I believe im one of them. And it’s a cruel joke that I got to taste happiness for a while before it abandoned me.

TLDR: shit sucks

When does this get better? I thought by 6 months I would start to move on. But it’s not getting better. I’m just as sad. I can’t function properly. Everyday is a nightmare. Some days are relatively better of course. But by night time, I can’t help but think about him and what he’s doing and who he’s with. I know he is seeing other women now and sleeping around. Every time I think about it, I feel as if someone has stabbed me. I have lost all my confidence and charm and whimsy. I feel dead inside. I hope everything ends soon.