"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, " just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great" she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down, and the same operator was there. I said nothing to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me,
"I'm sorry."
"Because you thought you were my dad?" I asked him.
He shook his head. "No, son, because I let you down."
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says
"You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, 1 am sure," replied the vet, "Your duck is definitely dead."
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a healthy looking black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put its front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. It then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a printout. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to charge you our full fee," he said, "which includes the cost of a complete lab test and a cat scan."
The vet took the paper, handed it to the woman and said,
"The bill is $1500." "$1500!" the woman exclaimed ir disbelief. "How much for the rest of the duck?"
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old fills up the bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck.
He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down, and the same operator was there. I said nothing to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me,
"I'm sorry."
"Because you thought you were my dad?" I asked him.
He shook his head. "No, son, because I let you down."
...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, "Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me?
How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
Edit: OMG my first gold! Thank you!
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says
"You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass........ It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
Edit: OMG my first gold! Thank you!
Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope.
After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."