u/iiiyotikaiii

I'm 20, and I'm planning on moving out quickly, but it would technically be running away.

I've been eating around a 500-700cal limit and fasting occasionally for a few months in preparation for this. I don't plan on telling anyone because the last time I even suggested leaving my mom guilted me into staying.

I've made a list of my expenses, but I got told that the only thing I should worry about is rent. Electricity, wifi and food aren't important if I don't have a place to stay.

I understand that suffering will happen, I'm anticipating the move to be miserable. Being alone will test me, but I'm completely fine with that happening.

I'm aware that food banks, soup kitchens, and other public programs are available, but I don't think I would go when there when there's other's who are in worse situations than me and deserve it more.

Ideally, having zero hunger would be great, but that's unrealistic.

When you first moved out how did you deal with pains and the bodily toll it strained on you?

I've dealt with the shaking, eating ice and condiments to push through days and find comfort in it sometimes.

How hungry were you in the begining? What did you make? Did it get better?

My timeframe is shrinking so any advice is apreciated.

My family is too dependent on me.

I'm twenty. I've never had a partner, never been out to a party, I don't do drugs or stay out late or anything. I stay home, go to work, and will sometimes order food.

The only other person who calls my phone besides my one and only friend is my mother and my younger brother's assigned helper.

My older brother has a phone as well; his number works fine, but my mother only calls me. I'm paranoid about everything, so I pick up, and she knows that.

I share walls with him; I hear him in the early mornings doing whatever he does, so during the day, I'm the only reliable one in the house.

My mother asks me for money, not always, but every few months she'll come to me to ask a "favour." My face speaks before my mouth does, and when it does, she'll immediately coo at me so she can explain whatever reason she needs money from me.

I have started denying her gently and giving her less because she has a track record of paying me back late. Regardless of what was said, I don't like being lied to—she knows that, but she asks me regardless.

Never my older brother because "G is broke too." Which is insulting to him and me.

The other day, I was asked to clean the back patio. It took me three hours to do, but I did it.

When my mother came home, I greeted her, and then she asked me if I had done what she asked. I pointed to the back and said, "I did it." I wasn't mean or rude, I simply answered her question.

She stayed silent for a moment before saying, "I don't know why you have so much hate in your heart. I just asked a question."

I answered her again, softer, pointing, "I cleaned the back, you can check it." But I could tell she was upset with me.

Every time I speak in my natural register, which is lower and deeper, she assumes I'm being a massive bitch with a bitter heart.

I can't control that I sound like a man. If she knew what I sounded like after a deep sleep, she'd probably assume I'm a demon.

Hours after this, I showered and left my room. I was wearing shorts that fell halfway up my thigh and an off the shoulder shirt.

My mother stopped me and said, "There are boys here," before walking off.

So I can't even talk how I normally do or wear what I want without getting a comment about "boys" being in the house when the boys in question are my 23 and 17 year old brothers.

I'm fucking baffled that she would say such a thing to me.

——

The past two months, I've been itching to tell her that I'm moving out. Every time I got called for something that G could've done instead of me, I kept a log of it.

Yesterday. I got called, tasked, and ordered thirteen times in one day.

I don't want that for myself. I don't deserve this shit. I want to get out, but I can't because every job is hiring, but nobody is hiring.

I will work four additional jobs if it means I can be on my own. But it feels like all the odds are against me.

I have a credit card with a $2,486.46 balance and a 652 credit score. I have $2,000 in my savings and about $300-$400 in my piggy bank under my desk. and only $8.27 in my checking.

I estimated a draft of what COULD be if I moved out, rounding to about $1,222 for all expenses.

What I pay now is $400 a month. My mother pays $1,000, and G pays $500.

Would it be an asshole move to leave and have them pay $950 each?

My mother said she wanted us to move, so I'm unsure if I should wait until we move to a cheaper place to move out or leave now.

I don't want the unnecessary struggle if I could become more comfortable in the future.

They'll have to learn to live without me eventually, right?

Right?

At the start of the year, like a lot of people, I made a resolution to lose weight and gain confidence in myself.

I attempted in late February when I was dropping out of college and had no idea what I was going to do with myself.

During all of this, I have been posting daily since January 1st until now, daily updates of WIEIAD on RedNote.

My weight had changed, slowly dropping, but last month was the most obvious change that I saw.

I don't want to self diagnose mysef, but I started to consume a lot of ED content on RedNote and as of two weeks ago, on tiktok too.

I've only ever harmed myself by cutting, but after getting more invested, I purged for the first time in late February, and it hurt. It hurt so bad, I cried for an hour after it happened and passed out on the floor.

I swore I wouldn't do it again, but the month after, in March, I purged thirteen times, and then in April—fourteen times. In May, I'm already at four times.

I made myself a simple breakfast after purging yesterday, and while I was eating, my hand was shaking. It wasn't a jitter or anything, but while I was holding my toast, my arm from my elbow to my hand. I was shaking.

I don't really eat meat anymore, except fish maybe? But since my journey at the start of the year, ive been put off compleatly by meat.

I consume media that promotes unhealthy eating and I find myself becoming cruel or judging others because of what's going on with myself.

Today I weighed myself, and I was 154.4lb/70.0kg but in January I was 184.2lb/83.55kg

I've obviously made pogress but I'm still unhappy. I told my mother "I'm at five now" and she responded with "Keep going."

I don't know if she'd tell me to keep going if she knew I emptied my guts under my desk whenever I felt like it or not. I don't plan on telling her anything anyway.

I've stopped self harming (some what) and I've lost weight but at the same time I cant eat like I used to.

Back then I would give myself a "cheat meal" on my perod, but now its not even worth it because I will throw it back up. I'ts just a waste of money and it no longer motivates me anymore.

But then on the other hand the "healthy cheat meals" is gross slop of cottage cheese.

I buy baby food and diet sodas and ricecakes for myself even though I still live at home. I want to have more of my mothers cooking but at the same time I can't calculate what goes inside of it, I can't track the salt, fibre, protein and other things inside of it so I don't eat it.

The last time I ate her food was two weeks ago and it was delicous, I was close to finishing my plate but I bit into the meat in the dish and saw a vein or somehing in the meat and gagged. Old me would've eaten it anyways but I felt so disgusted I threw it away.

I left the kitchen and went to my room and threw it up. I never in my life had thrown my moms food up before but I did. I still feel bad about it. But I don't have the heart to tell her what I did.

I'm not going to say I have an "Eating Disorder" because that would be ridiculous.

I noticed the shaking today when I was eating, I think thats why im a little concerned but I don't want to alarm my family. I don't think they'd care anyway but it's a thought I'm having.

My best friend is different thgough. She called me a few days ago while I was face deep in my trashcan and asked what I was doing, I said I was eating and she asked kind of sarcastically if I was throwing it up and I was, fingers slimy and everything.

I repost a lost of the edgy stuff on tiktok so maybe shes worried but she hasn't said anything about it and it in over a month or so.

So yeah. I don't know. It's just something I noticed today.