u/ikissedalambtoday

Before getting pregnant I was a very anxious person.
Since giving birth that anxiety has skyrocketed and my postpartum hormones have been awful.

A huge part of this stems from my birth experience which I’m finally realizing was genuinely traumatic. I had a 2nd-degree tear that suffered a perineal wound breakdown. It took a revision surgery and five grueling months to fully heal.

I was in chronic pain while trying to care of my baby and the thought of giving birth again completely terrifies me …especially since I've been told a future delivery would require a mandatory C-section

On top of the mental and physical trauma, we have no "village”

My husband works 5 days a week, we are middle-class, and we can’t afford childcare. I am also a strongly independent person who loves one on one deep connections and wants to travel. Everything in my body and mind tells me our family is perfectly complete with our one child.

Here is where I'm stuck,… whenever I bring this up to my husband he says he is happy with just one right now & tells me we should just "put the conversation off for a few years."
I know he thinks he’s being comforting and taking the pressure off but to my nervous system, keeping that door open feels like a threat. I feel like I'm on probation waiting for a countdown to end.

Until I hear him explicitly say “We are one and done and we never need to talk about it again” my brain cant find closure. I am constantly hypervigilant and holding my breath, which means I can't fully heal or enjoy the family we have right now.
How do I explain to my husband that I don't need a "we'll see in a few years" pass? I need the door to close