DM Fries my First-Ever character in a TPK, streams games without our consent
(This is a long one! It's sort of a brain-dump reflection on a situation that happened awhile ago.)
This happened when I was still in high school, and looking back I can't believe I stayed in the game for as long as I did. However, I was young, nerdy and desperate to try out this dragon game I'd heard so much about. I also had a severe tendency to people-please even if I was uncomfortable in situations. Now, fortunately I've grown and can look back with perspective on how weird this was.
I met our DM through school as we shared a lot of interests and were in a few classes and clubs together. I was either a freshman or sophomore at this time and he was in a grade above me. When he mentioned that he was into D&D and invited me to join a game he DMed, I was super excited. I'd always wanted to play, but the closest I'd gotten before was researching the game on my own and watching/listening to a few popular actual plays online. I told him that I knew very little about the mechanics but I was willing to learn.
We had a preliminary call where we designed my first ever character in D&D 5e, a tiefling artificer. I remember him asking, "so what's your angle here? Like a 'little girl with a big sword' sort of character?" I was confused, as I hadn't indicated that this was what I'd been aiming for at all. I wanted this character to be a badass sharpshooter inventor with a mechanical mount. Regardless, after sorting out the details, I felt confident about session 1.
It was an online game using voice call. Since it was an ongoing campaign, he sort of just threw my character into what the party was already up to, which was a war zone. There was some high concept magical war going on, where the party was a group of special forces invading the enemy's secure military base. The first session was a blur. I wasn't oriented at all on the context of what I was supposed to be doing. I tried to offer support where I could, but I felt like my character's presence had nothing to do with the story. I was also the only female player and felt constantly talked over by the party, who were all good friends already and at least several years older than I was.
The weirdest part I remember about that first arc was this: before the actual invasion plan kicked off, there was suddenly a bathing scene (?) at our home base with the whole party present. We'd done very little roleplay at all before this point.
I remember DM asking, "[OP], do you get in?" while everyone waited for my response in awkward silence. I said that no, my character would sit to the side and prepare her equipment for the upcoming battle. The whole scene was played for laughs, with the guys snickering the whole time. The vibes were generally very uncomfortable and bizarre. This was supposed to be a game about slaying dragons and now we were doing an anime-esque bath sequence. It literally felt like in-game fan service.
Once we got to the actual invasion plan, my character ended up being nominated to stealth ahead into the enemy's base camp as part of our larger plan. As I rolled for stealth and started to scout, an armored general appeared out of nowhere on a dragon mount and torched my character to death in a single round. No opportunity for healing, nothing. She just got fried to a crisp. I'd barely gotten used to any of her abilities and she was perma-dead. Over the rest of the session (which I had to just sit and watch,) the rest of the party also fell one by one, and it was an extremely sudden TPK.
DM sort of apologized for the fluke, saying that his games tended to be very intense and high-stakes and we needed to be on high alert. He allowed us to continue the same plot, but this time our party would be on the opposite side of the conflict.
Don't ask me why I stayed after that first arc. I guess I was caught in the euphoria of having a group to play with and determined to have fun regardless. I thought that maybe I was just playing the game wrong or hadn't been careful enough to avoid being taken out by the dragon. Despite the TPK ending of that session, I do have to say that the mission had been pretty suspenseful and exciting. Plus, I still wanted to see what all the hype was about. Surely D&D could be better than this, right?
In the next arc, our party was a group of high-level mercenaries who were infiltrating a magic school where the enemy was supposedly training dangerous spellcasters for their cause. The logic the party decided on was just to... burn the school, torching the students within just for learning magic on the wrong side of the war. I get that sometimes games are built around playing evil or morally corrupt characters to make for an interesting story. However, this didn't feel good at all. It felt like extreme murder-hobo play mixed with the worst kind of power fantasy. Being such a new player, though, I didn't know what to do but go along with the party's plan. I didn't have the will or tools to push back. So my high-dex tabaxi fighter spent his time smashing oil lamps to add to the blaze while his party members stormed the other floors. This earned the approval of my group, who applauded my destructive tactics.
Around this time is when I started to lose hope that the game would change for the better, as it seemed to devolve into endless combat-slog for a bloody cause that neither I (nor my newly rolled character) were given a reason to believe in.
Out of game, I was pretty decent friends with the DM. One day, he casually mentioned that he likes to stream our games on Twitch and had been doing so for awhile. This completely caught me off guard. What I'd thought had been private casual gaming sessions were being broadcasted weekly to his audience. This icked me out enough that I finally said that I wasn't comfortable continuing the game.
We still saw each other constantly due to our school schedules, but eventually we drifted apart for other reasons. When I was talking about my college plans, he sent me a paragraphs-long tirade about why women and gender studies were a complete waste of time that contributed nothing to society, and why I shouldn't be a feminist. Not that it matters, but I wasn't even planning to major in WGST. This was one of the red flags that made me cut him off entirely and really re-contextualized the weirdness of our past D&D games for me.
I'm thankful that I eventually moved on from this group and matured into a much more self-assured person and player. I'm also thankful that this experience didn't drive me away from the hobby entirely. I DM my own games now with a group of good friends, and I always take extra steps to make sure everyone at my table is comfortable with the atmosphere and content before we roll any dice. Consent is important in all areas of life, TTRPGs included. I truly love my group and the adventures we've shared.
Back then, I thought "It has to be better than this..." and it turns out I was right!
Whenever I feel uncertain as a DM or worry about including my players enough, I just think, "do the opposite of whatever that guy was doing," and it works every time.
Never settle for bad D&D. If you don't feel comfortable, never be afraid to just walk away!