u/im-doing-not-nothing

I still an uncomfy around taking weed (grew up in a cult where nothing like this was allowed), but I have a huge level of pain, getting doctors to care is taking legit years, and I an nervous about opiods too. So i learned how, and my doctors know and don't care. I take enough to function mostly and just at night but sometimes I do take enough to get truly high. I dont take daily because my life cant handle that and it works for me currently, but probably up to 5x a week.

I have a lot of fear around weed using always leading to addiction or being wrong or whatever that i am working through on my own and in therapy. My pain is not minor, so.

The problem is, the second I remember I enjoy being high and I dont base my whole use only on not getting high I feel gross because it takes out the "its a medication to me" And also as soon as I mention it to anyone, I am an addict or potential addict. Im removing those people from my life but it scares me to admit it at all.

I know some of this is work I need to do. I am doing it. Has anyone dealt with it? Looking for your experience. If so, did anything else help?

Note: not currently looking for other suggestions on managing pain.

TW: Ableism, slurs used as they have been against me

I was misdiagnosed schizophrenic years ago. They later realized it was severe dissociation, which i had said, but there's a family history of psychosis, so, ya know. 10 years of antipsychotics they have proven screwed with me awfully. Been completely off for years. Now my neurologist has decided I have FND. Apparently my dissociation and the neurological symptoms they cause (namely confusion) means I must have FND. I dont disagree. But I also have Sjogrens, Celiac, hEDS, and MDDD. Those have all been diagnosed from proper approved testing and a lot of my symptoms are not well controlled. I eat GF, but they keep saying to deal rather than giving any medications or anything for any of the others. When I talk to others with Sjogrens, there's meds. And testing shows my pain has causes. But I know the second I have FND everything will be refused. My celiac was diagnosed by begging for tests. Same wirh my Sjogrens. Doctors were so convinced I was just anxious. I just..... I need help dealing with this stuff. I am not just crazy. How do you handle having an FND diagnosis and getting doctors to treat you like a person? I finally have schizophrenia off all my documents and the change in how im treated has been HUGE. Doing it again is terrifying. But everyone tells me dont just never go back.

Discusses human body but no tw.

So as a plus sized person, I couldn't see under my belly regularly. But I lift it up to ya know clean or whatever and have a scar running down.

All that to say it was the first time I've seen in and for a moment I was like 'huh' then I remember a ton of other memories I had it in (used to be skinny) all the way back to childhood. It literally clicked in within older memories (when i would have said i didn't look at my body much) and i remembered having it. I don't remember getting it still.

Has anyone felt memories get together or become one like that?

Im sure this is a newbie question, but I'm a newbie and also ate some non-cyclosporic lettuce a few hours ago (weed) but I have no one in life to ask. Most of my witchy friends are not thelemalites.

To be fair I am not 100% positive of my true will. But I think I might know it. I know some tips for finding it.

So now I feel guilty for like, playing video games and doing gay shit instead of doing my will or finding my will.

I know Crowley wasn't out there feeling that.

So is this something other people feel? Are we meant to? And if we're not why not as a doctrine (and not just 'because its bad for you'. That won't convince my brain.)?

TW: For allusions to child abuse (not in-depth) and mentions of transphobia etc.

So this feels bad to post? And I'm not sure I'm going to word things well so please be patient with me. Nothing about this is meant to say men have it harder than women or trans men have it harder than trans women or that men are always awful or anything else. I just am struggling to find community or myself hardcore.

I have struggled with misandry for the majority of my life to be honest. As in, it is something I have actively but slowly been working on. I grew up in a cult with a lot of the "standard" cult stuff happening, and it was worse for girls, and the men were the worst. My family was a very active participant.

But basically it was and is hard for me to like men. They are constantly triggering. Yes, I am working on this in intensive therapy, and yes, it is getting a ton better.

Better enough that I am starting to look for men in places, to hang out with the men, to accept my identity and..... I still hate it. I can like men, but I don't feel safe around them. Honestly.... kind of ever. Over years it can get better but.

And I also was working so hard on my self-confidence pre-transition, and everyone told me it would get better and parts of it has, dsyphoria is down, I like my body/voice more, etc. but my feeling the need to apologize for existing has only grown because the men I am most comfortable around are ones that are soft spoken, that give others space, that never are too confident, etc.

I know a way for me to work on this is to be in men's spaces but honestly not a lot exist? And I'm in that awkward stage where whether I'm in a men's space or a women's space some people are going to think I don't fit.

And a part of me enjoyed being a woman, enjoyed having the community I found in it, enjoyed this idea of the feminine divine, the feminine magic. Any masculine version of that feels icky. Feels like it's meant to feel icky.

I've also started to get weirdly defensive of men in ways that just feel weird. Like.... people absolutely obliterating the idea of the male loneliness epidemic because "they just want a woman to do everything for them" which like, for some that's valid.

But there's local women everything. There's local men nothing. And when I'm in mixed gendered spaces, I always end up gravitating towards the women, and the men are very quick to send me there, even if not literally.

And men friends don't always talk to each other in the same way. They are lonely. We are lonely. But I can't talk about it because then I'm not seeing women.

I just like.... I want to transition. I need to transition, to be honest. This middle space is really really hard. But where are we finding communities of men that aren't awful? And exist? Or how are we helping ourselves go to the men's side in a room that "accidentally" became split as someone with an immense trauma history?

I'm not in or near any huge cities. My EDS and other things also mean I can't drive. I also feel weirdly like some people see being disabled as inherently feminine? How do we handle this?

Anyway, I'm sorry, this is long and ranting and I know some of the wording is probably not quite right. I have a speech/language disorder. I'm trying.

-Graham

I do a morning meeting every day, but keep having more alters show. We're at 15 I believe. And like, I think there are more (still missing time no one accounts for at times, etc.). Most people say they have nothing important to bring up or don't answer, so 15 is doable, and I still ask everyone by name. But at some point asking everyone by name feels like it would undoable. But for me, certain parts would probably never speak during meetings otherwise. For those of you who do have meetings and a ton of alters, I'm curious how you handle that.

I dont know that there's an easy way to deal with this but some of my alters are pretty sad about not getting to live a life in the world 24/7. Not getting a body full time or a body that they like/is their own. Not getting to get a job or answer to their name at a doctor's office or have as many friends. Some of my alters speak very differently and distinctly too (as in not in "proper" English as a result of when they formed and also the fact that i wasn't truly verbal for a very very long time, like 6th grade, and only the parts that found push through and get words out got praise). One part in particular doesn't even type with like "normal" grammar and stuff (not interested in forcing a change). She's the one struggling the most because others can come out sometimes in public and claim to be host but she can't with her speech patterns.

She described last night feeling like she's just shoved in a blank room not allowed to move or interact or see or hear anything for most of her life then for the few hours she's out she's trying to get everything in she can and rush to experience things since she also feels like she's might be in for a super long time (it was unsafe to talk like her for so long).

Some possible things I think might help if people have advice on this?

1. I'm only just starting to have an inner world that I can like sort of imagine (i have aphantasia so its super hard) is there like things people do to add a ton to their inner world if it feels "blank"?

2. How are non-host alters making friends? And what if alter doesn't want people to know she has DID? She feels a bit like the few people that know she even exists sees her as the "broken version" of the ones they like better?

3. How are we making sure alters are getting time out if we're a bigger system? (We're at 12 known, though a few don't interact almost at all, they want it that way currently)

4. How do you know if spaces are safe for you online with like... I dont really know I just worry about her a lot if she gets bullied. And I'm afraid her speech pattern might feel "put on" a bit. Like idk if it is a very "natural" form of like speech issue. But its hers.

5. How do we deal with things like dressing, body mods, etc.? We dont have a ton of money and host is transitioning too (with whole system approval) so spending a ton of clothes when affording food is an issue is... yeah. Not a super option. But one of her things is fashion, body modding, etc.

Any other ideas you have that would help with this i would really like! My alters dont seem to have separate life, family, background the way some people do if that matters. We'd be open to figuring out if we do and dont know it. Memory is weird for us. And we do have some cofronting and communicating abilities, technical diagnosis is OSDD currently but amnesia barriers getting stronger.

-Mom (gatekeeper, inner parent, concerned friend)

Eyes don't work right. Hands don't work right. Disabled king. I will not be taken questions. Let's do this.

EDIT: DONE FOR THE NIGHT or I should be and will be soon, but am not done done. Everyone posted by now will definitely get done and honestly down to take new people too. Thanks folx! Been fun. I will be back tomorrow. Promise.