u/iminlovewithbadthing

I've tried to tell my psychiatrist (who does therapy with me) that I am doing really badly in so many ways. From directly saying "I feel so sad it physically hurts and I can't think of anything other than committing suicide most of the time and I am so disgusted by my own existence like I am a piece of vomit" to metaphors, to drawings to poems to sending songs to sending reddit posts (I'll probably send him this one).

He just does not believe me. He says he can't see it, can't feel it. Because I am sitting there because my stupid face smiles and I am compelled to make little jokes. I wish I could break down, cry, scream, throw up. It hurts so much but it is like a concrete wall. The face is like a concrete wall with a smiley drawn on it. The stupid little girl face, I am 32 and still look like 16. It has always been like that. My entire life no one has ever taken me seriously.

I've been seeing him for 10 years. I've been sad and wanting to die since I was 11, but the last 4 years were ... just hell... just nothing but i dont even go outside anymore i can barely eat or sleep and it is a miracle i somehow kept my (remote) job.

I dont know what to do, every week I try to find a way for him to understand how I feel but... he just does not. in 10 years he never even said the word depression or offered antidepressants, of course not, thats for actually sad people, not for little girls who "just need to believe in themselves, then the shame just stops".

It feels like my only option is killing myself. And what kinda hurts the most is knowing that his reaction, if I did that and he would hear it would just be:

"aww, silly little girl killed herself over silly little misconceptions in her silly little head, she was such a lucky person with a wonderful life without any pain or trauma, what a waste for her to throw that away just because she was mistaken and thought she was sad" and then he'd shrug and continue his day. And that would be it. That's all my life amounted to. Everyone would be better off if I'd be dead, I know.

Sorry.

I am looking for any other ideas on how to tell him that I am in pain, on how to get him to take me seriously. Now, 2 hours after the session I am sitting here sobbing. Yes, I've sent him voice messages in this state before, usually he just ignores those. Like a tantrum of a toddler in the checkout line.

do anything to me. It is legal to rape me. No one believes me anyways. My psychiatrist does not believe me, his supervisor, my countries' biggest trauma expert does not believe me.

Asked them what I should do. They both say to just accept that I am not traumatized. just stop faking being traumatized, stop faking feeling bad.

I still taste his cum you know, I was surprised it was salty and warm the first time. i was 16

i knew if i did not do it he'd kill himself. I stopped after 5 years and he shot himself

i was wondering if I should do it on the same day but dude chose my brother's birthday, probably on accident so I can't

i also don't particularly feel like waiting until november

but ok that all does not count as trauma according to the experts, because nothing happend to me as a kid they say, and yeah fuck i dont remember anything before 11 so i guess my fault

no memories, no trauma, no crime

and today the expert told me that even if I'd remember he would not believe me. can't validate a memory, cant validate a symptom, or feeling, i just have to live like this

so hey everyone who is itching to rape someone, here I am freebie rape object

This is about CSA. I thought he did believe me, then after 6 years he suddenly said he does not. He says all my feelings, thoughts, inability to have sex, all trauma symptoms, all DID symptoms can just be explained by me having a "narcissistic injury".

It destroyed my life. Its been 4 years of me trying to convince him that my trauma is real. I've contacted 2 DID experts to confirm the dx, went through a whole assessement again, but then he just says he does not doubt the DID just doubts that I have experienced any sexual trauma at all.

Idk what to do anymore. I tried to find any concrete memories but could not and he d just say that memories can be fake.

I went from functioning ok to a complete disgusting pathetic wreck. Inside is just constant self punishment because there is a group of people who think he is right and then everyone who thought that we are traumatized needs to be punished so they destroyed everything and built a prison in which what the kids talked about is being done to them 24/7 as punishment.

How did you get your therapist to believe you?