u/imongia

I’m a woman in my early 30s, engaged, with my wedding about 3 months away. I’m struggling with whether I should go ahead, and I genuinely want an outside perspective — especially from people who have been married for a while or have called off an engagement.

For anonymity, I’ll call my fiancé Arjun and myself Meera.

Before this relationship, I was living and working in London. I had built a career there, was earning €100k+ equivalent, friends and independence. I had big ambitions — becoming a senior finance leader/Head of finance, travelling, potentially living in different countries, etc.

I moved to India for Arjun because I loved him and genuinely imagined a lifetime with him. I don’t regret loving him or the decision I made at that time. But ever since I have moved back to India we have been having massive fights because he is impatient, dominating, stubborn, possessive. We have different attachment styles where he is anxious attached and I am avoidant attached. We lack understanding, and are still working on building that. He cannot tolerate distance. He hasn’t really been with a women before so he doesn’t understand how to handle it when she asks for autonomy, he doesn’t gets it when she’s too opinionated. He isn’t used to such women around him cos somewhere he wanted a women he can rely on for his emotional needs, depend on her emotionally whereas I am someone who loves my solitude. So much drama has happened until now that our parents have also nearly given up on us.

The good side

Arjun is not a bad person. He is loving, caring and genuinely has a good heart. He really loves me, does wedding shopping for me.

We have had some intense arguments in the past where he could scream or react impulsively and said really nasty things to me and there were numerous ocassions due to this where we have almost called off the engagement. But recently he has made a real effort to change. He has consciously been more patient, tried not to react impulsively, listened more and tried to understand me.

At one point I told him I was becoming increasingly unhappy and wanted to leave. He initially tried to convince me that relationships have difficult phases, but eventually told me that if I genuinely wanted to leave, he would help me get out.

Our families have also met and tried to resolve things. He also realised that involving our parents in our disagreements wasn’t the right thing to do.

I would have a very comfortable life in India.

What is bothering me

Despite all of that, I have become increasingly unhappy and anxious about the marriage. Basis the past, and the life I have left and also because many of the astrologers and tarot card readers have suggested that we shouldn’t go ahead with this match. It’s likely a divorce situation.

I am currently unemployed and feel like my career has been put on hold. Seeing people I know progressing professionally makes me genuinely sad.

I also worry about autonomy. If I live in his parents’ home, where they own the house, control much of the household finances and effectively run the household, I worry that even if I earn my own money, I would still become dependent on them for my lifestyle and that their expectations would inevitably influence our decisions.

His parents aren’t bad people. This is more about whether their family structure is compatible with the kind of independent life I want.

Arjun also still becomes quite reactive with his own parents when things don’t go his way, including shouting at them. He has improved considerably with me, but I worry about what this says about how he handles conflict generally.

Recently, while I was away and we weren’t able to talk properly, he was screaming during an argument and said bad things to me in anger. I don’t know whether that was simply something said in anger or whether I should take it more seriously, but it did affect me.

The biggest thing I can’t understand
Even when Arjun is being kind, patient and mature with me, I still don’t feel happy.

When I’m away from him, I don’t particularly miss him. I don’t feel a strong urge to call him. I’m not excited about wedding planning.

Instead, I keep thinking about the life I’m giving up — London, my career, independence, travelling, potentially living in different countries and the person I had and could become there.

Sometimes I feel like I have bigger things I want to do with my life and that this particular marriage/lifestyle would mean shrinking my life.

But I don’t know whether that’s genuine incompatibility or whether I’m simply going through a huge amount of relocation and career grief.
I also want to be fair to him
I don’t want this post to make Arjun sound like the villain.
I have made mistakes too. I’ve been anxious, confused and emotionally overwhelmed. I haven’t always communicated properly and I’ve hurt him during arguments too.

I also recognise that he has genuinely tried to change. I don’t want to dismiss that just because I’m unhappy.
I’ve also spoken to several astrologers who advised against the marriage because we are just not aligned, but I realise astrology shouldn’t be the basis for a decision like this, so I’m trying not to use that as evidence either.

Where I’m stuck
I don’t think Arjun is a bad person.
I don’t think his family is bad.
And I don’t think I have a terrible life waiting for me in India. In fact, objectively, I would have a very comfortable and financially secure life.
That’s what makes this so confusing.
I feel like I could have a good life with him, but I’m not sure it’s the life I want.
And I’m terrified that I’m throwing away a genuinely good man and a comfortable future because I’m chasing an idealised version of my old life in London.
But I’m equally terrified that if I marry him, I’ll spend years wondering:
“What if I’d gone back? What if I’d continued my career? What if I’d chosen the life I actually wanted?”
I don’t want to marry someone while hoping I’ll eventually become happy.

For a people who have been in long-term marriages, called off engagements, moved countries for relationships, or faced a similar choice — what factors would you focus on to distinguish genuine incompatibility from cold feet, relocation grief and fear of a major life change?

I’d genuinely appreciate honest perspectives, including ones that challenge my thinking.