u/in_rainybows

For context I’m a 17 yr old ftm. I’ve been on Testosterone for about 3 years now and I follow a pretty strict work out schedule. So I’m not struggling with dysphoria most of the time. But when I talk to my mostly cis friends about their relationships, they have all been sexually active already. I know it seems like a stupid thing to complain about but I am scared of being sexually active with anyone. I feel behind because all of my other friends have had these experiences but I haven’t, it’s not that I don’t want to it’s that the thought of someone else seeing my body in a certain way makes me very dysphoric.

I have had times where I’ve come close to having sex with a woman, man, and another trans male but every time I get scared and make up an excuse to leave the situation. Not only does this feel like it creates tension in any relationships I have but it also feels like I’m keeping this massive secret that I haven’t had sex yet. I’m just scared that the person I’m with will view me as female if they see my body. But also I’m still young and this could very well change in a few years, I meet so many trans people who are sexually active and have great relationships with their bodies.

For the past month or so I’ve been listening to manifestation meditations to go to sleep, they basically have you imagine what you’re trying to manifest and I always fall asleep soon after (the vids are 1-2 hours long) While I’m asleep I’ll usually have extremely vivid dreams of me with whatever I’m manifesting, the dreams are simply everyday life but with my manifestation nothing unrealistic. I don’t even realize I’m dreaming until I wake up the next morning. It’s always a bit disappointing ngl, I was curious if I’ve just been lucid dreaming on accident or if it’s just my subconscious mind still following the visualization process.

This is my first time posting on here or creating anything on YouTube so please go easy on me. I created this playlist originally because I’ve always loved how calm springtime feels after the gloomy and cold winter on the east coast. originally it was a Spotify playlist but I compiled it into a YouTube video so I could have less ads lol. thought I’d share with others give it a listen if you want something relaxed, calm, it has artists like Mac Miller and Cocteau Twins. You would like it if you like The Sundays. I would also love any recs