u/indiacalliope

i (30F) recently went to the doctor for a rash on my genitals. after a very unfortunate mix-up at the office, where they called me to tell me the results were negative, today i learned that no, in fact, the swab came back positive for HSV-1.

i am obviously doing a lot of freaking out and reading today. i've only had sex with one person in the past year, we were seeing each other for a couple of months but i broke it off with him a few weeks ago. unless it was laying dormant for forever, i assume it's likely he passed it to me while performing oral. (we both got tested for STIs before we started sleeping together unprotected, but i didn't realize STI tests don't usually test for herpes.)

do i tell him? how do i tell him? i'd never noticed any cold sores on his mouth or anything. i doubt he even knows he's positive, if he is positive. and what if he's not, and i got it somewhere else somehow?

my doctor (who i'm never going back to) gave me very little information about transmission. since my outbreak was genital rather than oral, does that still mean i can transmit it orally? is kissing off the table without disclosing to new partners?

any (kind) words of advice are appreciated.

two nights ago, i (30F) finally cut things off with the guy (34M) i’ve been seeing for a few months because i couldn’t handle how much he drinks anymore. it was fun at first, i like to go out on occasion (maybe once a week) and have a couple drinks. but for him it’s every day, and it’s more than a couple drinks—it’s four or five beers and who knows how many tequila shots. he also drives drunk, even though i have clearly expressed that i’m not okay with it, though he claims he can handle his alcohol and knows his limits. his entire social life revolves around drinking. the final straw for me was when i said i wanted to grab a coffee with him and he said he wanted a beer instead, so i brought my coffee into the bar and just sipped it and sat with him, completely sober, while he drank three beers. he said it felt like i was judging him, and i knew it had to be over.

i’m grieving what our relationship could’ve been. he’s such a sweetheart, and funny and sexy and we were having a really great time starting something new together. i don’t think he’s fully accepted that it’s over, he keeps saying we can talk about it more later and he’s insisted that he doesn’t have a drinking problem, and that he’s “happy i’m holding him accountable.” i know that’s not how it works, so i’m trying to stay strong in my decision, even though i miss him, even though it’s hard.