u/invinzilla

I’ve always struggled with my relationship with my parents especially my mother.
I’ve felt hatred for her ever sense I was young so I’ve always struggled ranting about it with friends because they always say “that’s your mom”, “you don’t mean that, she’s your mom”, “you shouldn’t let it get to you” and stuff like that. I don’t think I’ve met anyone who truly knows what it’s like to hate some one.
She’s treated me cruelly comparing me to Hitler, calling me the narcissist when it’s the other way around, ignoring my depression, never genuinely caring, painting me out to be some bad guy.

Trust me I’ve done EVERYTHING I can to try and not hold “resentment” because that’s what everyone has been telling me but it’s genuinely just hatred.
I’ve tried the rock method (no reaction) but that doesn’t work because she’ll complain to my bf and friends that I don’t care and I’m a bitch, I’ve tried to just be nice and make things short as possible but that doesn’t work because she’s always making some snarky comment that she thinks is funny (when me and my bf went on a break she started slut shaming me because I was going out more to try and distract myself and not be at home BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY THERES A REASON I DONT WANT TO BE AT HOME GOING THROUGH A BREAK UP)

She genuinely talks bad about me in front of people I love which sucks. It’s like she’s trying to put them against me, I’ve always had some type of feeling she was jealous of me it may have just been me trying to cope that my own mother didn’t like me but I still feel it till this day.
I don’t text her back EVER I don’t care if she’s asking a question, I live in the house with her ONE STORY she can just come talk to me since that’s what she’s been telling my bf that she just wants to talk to me. SHE VICTIM BLAMES SO MUCH IT PISSES ME OFF

And that’s my problem, she makes me fuel with hatred and anger I genuinely can’t stand her, yes I cuss at her, yes I threaten her, yes I give attitude. And yes she emotionally neglected me since I was a kid, made me be the adult, makes remarks about my body and touches me when I ask her not to, she finds my boundaries unnecessary because she’s my mother, she doesn’t think she has to knock because she’s my mother, she asks about anything but ME she never asks if I’m okay, she left me with her SA for a month when I was about the same age as her AND I SWEAR SHE WANTS MY BF.

My mother used to be a huge Christian (makes it her whole personality) but now she’s like super woke or wtv. Idk how no one sees it in my family but i genuinely think she has an obsession with black people. She tells me how she wishes she was black and that she thinks black people are beautiful (they are but it feels more fetishized when she talks about it) now my bf is black and she acts weird with him, a lot more weird than I’ve seen her act with any of my other bfs (who weren’t black) or my sisters bfs who are also not black
I’ll catch her touching him and acting like she knows him better than I do, she always asks about him and honestly she’s really all she talks about when she talks with me. Like is that not weird?!? My bf hasn’t said anything about it so idk if it would be out of my place to bring up.

I feel so devalidated about my feelings towards my parents because it doesn’t look like I have it as bad but no body knows what happens when they’re not there. What’s said when they’re not there and when I talk about it I feel like a kid all over again expressing feelings that don’t matter.
I’m scared that I’m making this all up in my head. Everyone’s saying I shouldn’t let 30s ruin my day but it’s coming from someone I’ve hated for more than a decade. I don’t think about her, I don’t talk about her, but yes she can ruin my day because it brings up everything else she’s done.

I can’t express anything but I FEEL everything.

I guess I just want validation on my feelings, someone else that also hates their parents with no love at all.
I have no love for my family it’s been like that since third grade and there’s no way I can have love for them because I’ve had the thought “I’m only supposed to love them because their blood” from a very young age and I’m all against that system.

I know I’ll never regret what I feel because it’s me over them. But it sucks knowing the people I do want to share my story with don’t see it because they get to know her themselves and they see who she is NOW then who she WAS.

If you read all of this thank you.

So we all know the virus in the lettuce thing right now. Currently where I live it’s only up north so we still serve the lettuce at my location.

Now not all of our customers know that so we’ve been losing $2000 every day (we make about $5000 everyday) I wanna know if this is affecting anyone’s hours, I’m a FT shift lead and I’ve been sent home or have had multiple breaks because we have to much people for such low sales so my GM has been having to send a lot of people.
I can’t afford to only be making 20-25hours a week because then that’s PT

Just wanted to know other people’s thoughts and if it has affected them like this at all too?

The few past times I’ve tripped I’ve had bad ones every time, they start okay but the more it prolongs the worse it gets.
I get glued to my bed almost feels like I’m fully absorbed into it. My head feels heavy and I have exaggerated tears ( it feels like I have waterfalls going down my face) but then my brain is completely silent. I don’t think at all it’s just a void.
I genuinely feel this pit of doom and I become insanely suicidal.

I’ve have issues with OD and I’ve been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder so maybe that has something to do with it I just don’t know why every single trip of mine is like this.

Does anyone have any tips on how I can improve my trip and not just spend all of it staring at the ceiling just wanting to die lol.