u/iron-iron-iron

Using multiple is cool and I like it for other people, but I am only comfortable with he/him. I even had a soft-desisting phase before stating hormones where I went back to being completely female presenting, but I still used he/him. I enjoyed that juxtaposition.

How do you feel about it? I sometimes feel a bit insecure as a bigender person because I'm only interested in "he".

I have some hand and wrist problems that lead me to sometimes have trouble using the computer. A way that I get around this is by using a mouse with extra buttons that I then map to things that are difficult for me to do with my left hand.

I used to use Linux Mint Cinnamon. On Mint, I used a program called Input Remapper. It's simple, I input what buttons I needed to change to which functions. I set it to load at startup, so when I powered on my computer and logged in, my mouse would automatically have the keybinds.

I recently switched to MX Linux after having some problems with Mint, and so far I enjoy it. But I'm having a problem where, despite turning on auto load in Input Remapper and adding it to startup programs, I am having to manually open the program and apply my custom preset every single time I turn on my computer while using MX Linux.

Possibly relevant is that I have my system set to automatically log me in. When I log in, it prompts me for my password (twice) to allow my connected devices to be read. But this doesn't actually apply the custom bindings. I still have to manually open the program and apply it. I also had Mint set to log me in automatically, and this worked fine on Mint.

I am operating under the assumption that Input Remapper will work on MX Linux, seeing as it was installed using a .deb file.

I can only assume this difference is due to the way MX Linux handles user/root accounts differently than Mint? I'm not sure if that's the best way to describe it. I'm not brand new to linux, but I am not very knowledgeable still.

Is there any simple way to make it behave like it did on Linux Mint so that I can use my mouse as I expect to instead of having to apply my custom preset every single time I use the computer? Or is there an easier or more effective way to do this sort of thing on MX Linux?

Also in case it's mentioned, this happens regardless if I use sysvinit or systemd.

HNPP, not HNNP. Sorry. Can't edit titles.

Earlier this year, I woke up randomly with wrist drop in my left hand. It was like when you wake up with your arm asleep, except it didn't stop. It was two weeks before I was back to work. I wasn't 100%, but I was 95% of the way there. Weaker and tired more easily. Before and during this time, I'd began experiencing what I believe to be tendon pain due to repetitive movements (dishwasher/line cook).

Some months later, it happened again to my right arm. My right arm was only slightly affected. I believe I woke up on my back. It was over in about a week, though it was weaker.

Then about a month after that, I woke up flat on my back, same position I'd fallen asleep in, and it had happened to my left arm again. And it was even worse. That took at least two months to recover to a point of somewhat normal movement, albeit weaker still and slightly different hand posture.

In recent weeks, I have had some instances of trying to push myself up with my hands, say off my bed, and then my thumb joints popping in a way that was not pleasant. The last time it happened to my right, it hurt quite a bit, and my thumb has not been the same since. It feels like sometimes it gets worse, and then it is slightly improved by squeezing around my thumb to push it back together. Some days ago it felt like my left wrist joint was sliding, and then I squeezed around my left wrist, and I felt a small pop, and then there was no more discomfort.

I feel like my whole life, my limbs have been more susceptible to falling asleep. I remember many, many times of sitting in the gym at school for assembly and my legs falling asleep in whatever position I was sitting in. I specifically remember one time where it became so tingly that it took quite a while to come back. I've basically always been unable to lie on my stomach because my arms go tingly so fast. I have difficulty doing exercise positions where you lay on your side with your arm in any position because my arms go numb so fast.

I saw a neurologist a little bit ago, there is damage to the radial nerve of my right arm, I can only assume my left arm too because it's had like 3x what my right arm has. He had me do bloodwork to test for HNPP, and I just checked it and there is no indication of HNPP.

I feel very upset at the results, I had 'hoped' it was HNPP so I'd have an answer. I feel frustrated not knowing what it is, if it's going to get worse, if it's even something at all...

These past few months have been very uneventful. I no longer work due to unrelated reasons, but at this point I could not go back to the job because I have to ration use of my hands all day every day. If I do dishes or clean my room one day, I'm going to feel it the next and I'm not going to be able to do very much that next day. I basically can't do most of my hobbies because they almost all involve hands.

I am calling the neurologist tomorrow, but I'm wondering what the thoughts of people with similar problems would be? If it's not HNPP, then what? I'm so anxious not knowing what's happening.

Editing to add:

Somehow I forgot to include this in the post, but last night I ended up falling adleep in my computer chair. I woke up in the middle of the night with my left arm quite tingly and slightly paralysed again. I felt what I believed to be the general path of the radial nerve all the way up my forearm behind my upper arm and to my shoulder. I felt fuzziness and tingling along that whole path. I got out of the chair. I went to sleep in my bed. I woke up and it's still fuzzy and tingling, it's been almost 24hrs and it's still messed up. The way I was positioned in the chair, I don't believe it pressed on any part of my radial nerve. Certainly nothing higher up in the arm. I'm so confused and upset.

Throughout my whole medical transition I'd been very happy with the masculinisation, but simultaneously missed being the pretty girl I was before. Prior to transition, I also bounced back in forth in presentation a bit. During and post transition, I had interpreted the female part inside me as me just missing the fun that I had prettying myself up. I enjoyed presenting and being treated as either gender, unless I was specifically trying to present as male pre-T and got misgendered. I'd always loved the concept of a female with a male voice, a man with very pretty hair. A little juxtaposition. Unironically came to ID as a cuntboy. I tried to create my own gender spectrum/compass to describe how I was feeling at one point. A guy who was a girl but was distinctly *not* a femboy. I tried various nonbinary labels over time, but none of them felt right because I was not and am not nonbinary.

Being enamoured when I would see a multigender person with a presentation similar to my ideal consistiently over the years might've meant something.

When I was presenting female I had straight-across bangs cut. I'm not sure I'm willing (or ready? maybe?) to do that again for real, but I miss the look, so I am considering buying one of those fake-bangs pieces. Or attempting to create my own with some of my own hair- I have so so much of it and already have an undercut to help manage it. Very familiar with cutting my own hair, so I think I could make it fairly easily.

Feel awkward about posting multiple times in a short timeframe, but I'd like to think more activity on the sub is something we want here.

For the past while now, I have had a mustache and goatee. I like how I look with this, I'm quite comfortable with it, but there's the conflicting voice in my head that wishes I could magically flip between having this facial hair and having a clean shaven face.

Ignoring gender/expression, I don't think I would like my face as much without my facial hair. And it feels really good for the male part of me. So I don't see myself actually shaving at all for the forseeable future. Plus, I hate being clean-shaven. The smooth freshly-shaven feeling that people seem to love is not something I enjoy. I always shave with clippers with no guard cause I hate that feeling. And the maintenance of being clean-shaven too... I'm too lazy.

But my face is quite masculine. Surprisingly so, seeing how I couldn't pass as male no matter how hard I tried prior to medical transition. I kind of minmaxxed transition and did everything as efficiently hormonally as I could, and I believe it paid off lol. Simultaneously wonderful, and a shame I don't also have access to the face I had prior.

My eyebrows are another thing on my mind (almost literally, lol). I have always had thick and bold eyebrows. I used to pluck them quite heavily, but that didn't change how thick they were. I've started grooming/shaping the inner ends in the middle. I might slowly get to shaping them a little more, then a little more, and try to get a bit closer to a middle ground.

I guess I am now wondering how others may approach this balance? Or what your goal would be? My ideal would be generally male presenting, people would decide I was male if they picked one or the other, but I would also look weirdly like a pretty girl for a guy.

Particularly interested in how people handle facial hair.

I have written this using speech-to-text software. In recent months, my mobility and ability to use my wrists and my hands has been deteriorating. My left hand is partially paralyzed and both hands are weak and feel fatigued and pained quite easily. I have been managing to get by with my weekly injection and I still am able to do it, but it is increasingly hard to hold the syringe still and push down the plunger with the state my hands are in. I have to insert the needle with my right hand and then manage to push it down with my left hand, which again is partially paralyzed and both are weak. I am wondering if anybody has ideas on how I can make this easier? I have heard of autoinjectors but don't know anything about them. I do not want to switch to gel or another form of testosterone if I do not have to. I like the convenience and ease of weekly home injections. I am just struggling to do them lately. Thank you.

Also, if anyone here happens to have similar issues and has suggestions on how to adapt their life to having limited hand mobility, I am open to any ideas. I am currently trying to figure out how to best play Minecraft on my computer without causing pain. I already have a vertical mouse, and I am considering foot pedals and a gyroscopic mouse if I do not improve.

So I initially came out as agender at 14. I don't really remember that period of time well, or how I felt at that time. I don't think I nessecarily felt 'agender,' just that 'something was up' if that makes sense. After some months I considered myself a demiboy, then FTM and stuck with that for some years, presenting male as best I could as a youth on a long hrt waitlist.

When I was late-17 I 'soft detransitioned,' I went back to presenting fully female, changed my chosen male name to a more neutral variation, though it still definitely leans masculine. My intention was to have a name that would apply no matter which direction I went. I absolutely love my name and I am happy with my final descision. I had also tried a couple female names but I personally find it messy and unnessecary to have multiple names so I fell off using any others pretty quickly. Though I do still quite like one of them. Maybe I'll use it for naming some video game characters.

During the 'soft detransition' I did not exactly go back to she/her though. I did not stop feeling male. I kept he/him, experimenting with some others as well. He/they, he/she/they, he/she, it. But I always preferred 'he' above others. I specifically never felt any connection to 'they.'

Just before turning 19 my dysphoria worsened. I cut off the hair that I'd grown out, and did my best to begin presenting male again. But unfortunately I was one of those that had pretty much no hope in passing as male without hrt. Luckily I was on the very end of the hrt waitlist by then, and I started within 2-3 months of this.

Then I had a bit of a toxic masculinity phase, and therefore was very tryhard masculine binary male. I had resigned myself to the idea of "I had my fun (prettying myself up presenting female)" and that it was now time to be serious and be male. I felt embarassed that my family had witnessed my feminine expression and questioning.

During this I worked on optimising my T and E levels for the most effective masculinisation, I got top surgery (which I had still wanted throughought every questioning phase), and hysto+oopho (never want children, and didn't trust my ovaries to be "asleep"). My T levels are in the upper range for men, E is appropriate for a man, my chest scars are fairly invisible, hysto went well and now I have a lot less things to worrry about as time goes on. I don't see myself ever stopping T.

I am currently two months short of four years on T, and I pass as a cis man even with my pretty shoulder-length wavy/curly hair that I obviously put work into. I dress alternatively, though my own style/interpretation of it and not nessecarily what "alternative" means nowadays. I am 5'5 and pretty thin, I do pilates for my health and for lean muscle as I don't want to be bigger really, I've always enjoyed being small. There was a period of time during my 'toxic masculinity phase' that I was influenced to be insecure about it by that sort of worldview, but it was kind of performative I didn't care very much then either tbh. And I really like how pilates has slightly enhanced the remaining curves I have. I also like how pilates is very female-asssociated, I want to be a 'pink pilates princess' but also the man I already am.

So I've always loved the femininity of my body and feeling sexy, but also was dysphoric. I was once told I had a "hentai body" pre-transition and it was a high compliment to me. Ever since I grew breasts and curves I was wearing tight clothes hoping to get oogled, I enjoy feeling objectified. But also if I perceive my body as too feminine I feel disgusted because it looks like an alien. I think that's why I'm only truly happy now that my body is pretty in-between. Female/androgynous skeleton with moatly masculine tissue on top. Female genitals on something appearing so masculine. A happy trail going up my tiny waist. That sort of thing.

I always attributed my being trans to the brain-body map theory. I had a phantom flat chest feeling pre-top, the breasts just felt forgeign and they made me nauseous to touch. My hips felt bigger than I expected them to be, and I always hit them on things. My voice just didn't "sound like me." Testosterone changed these things, and my dysphoria does not exist anymore. I love how masculine I am, but a tiny part of me misses some of what I had when I was 18.

I have always preffered the female social role. I find it easier, I prefer some of the ways I was treated, I enjoyed being looked as sexually, I felt very 'in my element' as a hot girl. I transitioned because I was dysphoric. I was dysphoric about my body, and about being seen as 'just' a girl I think.

I could keep going back and forth on this. That I love how masculine I am now, and I also loved how I felt then.

In recent months, I became enamored by a certain vibe of music. I really enjoy vocaloid music, to put it simply it is robot voices made to sing whatever you'd like and it work as a virtual instrument by you placing notes on a piano roll. I particularly enjoyed covers of songs that had a girly, idol-y, cunty, bitchy vibe but using male voicebanks. I loved this and considered this vibe it's own phenomonon. A man who was also a girl, but this was absolutely not the same thing as femboys in my mind. I love singing along to songs like this in my own deep voice.

The other day I came to a realisation. Somehow I do not remember how I connected the dots, but suddenly I had the idea of being bigender in my head and it feels it wants to stick. I feel like I'm coming at it as a male who has a bit of girl in him. Like the yin inside the yang. Like they are both simultaneous, and are not fluid or fluctuating. So I do not consider myself genderfluid at all. I tried that label very breifly when I was 14 and it did not feel it fit. I didn't feel fluid.

The way I used to explain this to myself was unironically identifying as a cuntboy. A male, who also had female genitals and was his own 'type' of man. I still identify with that idea as one way to describe it.

It also makes me think of how enamoured I was the few times I have seen bigender people online. How envious I felt. How it was just the coolest thing.

I present male and I'm not sure if that will change. I am pretty certain that I just want to be he/him, though a part of me feels I'd be "invalid" as someone who's bigender if I only want to be reffered to as one of them. I think a lot of female terms would not bother me if I could guarantee it was not coming from transphobia or dismissal. If I could guarantee that I'd be being called a girl as a male who was also a girl. In a hypothetical world I would enjoy being called a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Called a wife or a girl.

If I wear a mask I think I sometimes get read as female. i have a moustache and a goatee so that makes enough sense. One time I did, and a man held a door open for me. I said thank you, and he turned to his friend and I heard "I thought that was-" and it was funny to me. It didn't bother me or make me dysohoric literally at all. I enjoyed it honestly. So maybe I wouldn't mind being reffered to as female so much in reality. I'm not sure. I wonder if I only feel that way because I used to be very physically dysphoric about my female-ness. I have frequently "jokingly" been reffering to myself as a girl internally/anonymously online for a long while now.

And considering myself this way feels like it gives me "permission" to express femininity. Because my male part is not a femboy, I am doing those things as a girl. It feels like it clicked what mental space my femininity is coming from.

Again, I could keep going. I am certain I forgot some things. This is already absurdly long, I'd be surprised if many people read it. I'm not even sure what I am posting for exactly. Just sharing I guess. Wondering if it makes sense to anyone here.