u/isnt_THIS_crazy

AITAH for refusing to meet my friend's boyfriend?

I (39M) have been best friends with my 38F friend for about 24 years. Her parents are basically my second set of parents. A few months ago, she met her boyfriend (29M) on TikTok. They started a long‑distance relationship with back‑and‑forth visits; she flew up to him some weekends, he flew down to her others. After a few months, he arranged a job transfer and moved; not just to her town, but straight into her house.

Rewinding a bit to before his move: there were already red flags. On his first visit, he had her install a tracking app “to follow his flight.” Later, he used it to monitor her every move. She told me how he scolded her for staying out late with friends on a Friday night. Then, the following evening (Saturday), he suddenly announced it was “his turn” to go out, despite never mentioning any weekend plans before. That night, he ignored her calls and texts completely. It was only when she messaged something like “enjoy your evening out” (i.e., showing she wasn’t bothered by his punishment) that he suddenly started talking again. Turns out, he hadn’t even gone out, he just wanted to punish her.That was just one example among several red flags. I could have sucked it up and ignored those for her sake if she wanted me to, had it not been for the one red flag that directly affected me.

For context: I’m gay. Not bi, not “on a spectrum”, just gay. A few months before he moved in, my friend casually mentioned his homophobic views. He was involved with the Freemasons (his version was supposedly just prayer gatherings). Another friend told her they were “devil worshippers,” so she asked him to quit. His response? If he left, then they should live according to the Bible; which meant she could no longer be friends with me, because “the Bible says....” (I am not able to refer to violence in this thread, but I trust you can imagine what he was referring to with reference to gay people). I immediately told her: don’t ever expect me to be friends with someone who openly wishes bad things to happen to me. She basically ignored that.

Later, once his job transfer and move were already arranged (just days before he moved in), she excitedly said she couldn’t wait for me to meet him and join them for weekends at her parents’ beach house (something we used to do often). I reminded her of his homophobia and said there would be no weekends away with all of us together. That’s when she started making excuses: That I misunderstood him; That he didn’t mean it like that; That he hadn’t specifically said I should be ****** but “gays in general” (even though he knew full well I’m gay); That “he just said how Father sees it”, which struck me, because she’s never used the word “Father” in a religious sense before. None of those excuses change the fact that he openly wished for bad things to happen to me (perhaps he would not personally take such actions whilst it is against the law, but how can I know for sure that he will never take lesser actions against me).

I’m generally thick‑skinned, but I don’t waste my energy on homophobic idiots. Spending time with him would be deeply uncomfortable and awkward. I don’t want to sit across from someone who thinks I deserve bad things to happen to me, pretending everything is fine. That’s not just unpleasant, it’s potentially unsafe. So why should I spend my time with someone like that?

My friend thinks I’m wrong for refusing to meet him and that am I effectively throwing away our friendship. AITAH for refusing to meet him?

My best friend wants me to meet her boyfriend… but he thinks I deserve to die.

I (39M) have been best friends with my 38F friend for about 24 years. Her parents are basically my second set of parents. A few months ago, she met her boyfriend (29M) on TikTok. They started a long‑distance relationship with back‑and‑forth visits — she flew up to him some weekends, he flew down to her others. After a few months, he arranged a job transfer and moved—not just to her town, but straight into her house.

Rewinding a bit to before his move: there were already red flags. On his first visit, he had her install a tracking app “to follow his flight.” Later, he used it to monitor her every move. She told me how he scolded her for staying out late with friends on a Friday night. Then, the following evening (Saturday), he suddenly announced it was “his turn” to go out — despite never mentioning any weekend plans before. That night, he ignored her calls and texts completely. It was only when she messaged something like “enjoy your evening out” (i.e., showing she wasn’t bothered by his punishment) that he suddenly started talking again. Turns out, he hadn’t even gone out — he just wanted to punish her.That was just one example among several red flags. I could have sucked it up and ignored those for her sake if she wanted me to — had it not been for the one red flag that directly affected me.

For context: I’m gay. Not bi, not “on a spectrum”—just gay. A few months before he moved in, my friend casually mentioned his homophobic views. He was involved with the Freemasons (his version was supposedly just prayer gatherings). Another friend told her they were “devil worshippers,” so she asked him to quit.His response? If he left, then they should live according to the Bible — which meant she could no longer be friends with me, because “the Bible says gay people should be stoned to death.”I immediately told her: don’t ever expect me to be friends with someone who openly wishes me dead. She basically ignored that.

Later, once his job transfer and move were already arranged (just days before he moved in), she excitedly said she couldn’t wait for me to meet him and join them for weekends at her parents’ beach house (something we used to do often). I reminded her of his homophobia and said there would be no weekends away with all of us together.That’s when she started making excuses: That I misunderstood him; That he didn’t mean it like that; That he hadn’t specifically said I should be stoned but “gays in general” (even though he knew full well I’m gay); That “he just said how Father sees it” — which struck me, because she’s never used the word “Father” in a religious sense before. None of those excuses change the fact that he openly wished me dead (perhaps he would not personally end my life whilst it is against the law, but how can I know for sure that he will never get violent with me).

I’m generally thick‑skinned, but I don’t waste my energy on homophobic idiots. Spending time with him would be deeply uncomfortable and awkward. I don’t want to sit across from someone who thinks I deserve to be killed, pretending everything is fine. That’s not just unpleasant — it’s potentially unsafe. So why should I spend my time with someone like that? My friend thinks I’m wrong for refusing to meet him.

Am I wrong for refusing to meet him?