Weigh in on my "am I a guy" list? (Please)
I am once again making a list to decide if im really a guy in the middle of the night. Join me in my ritual.
Points indicating I may be trans (and counterarguments in italics) :
- I was jealous of trans men for getting to be men (its objectively easier to be a man and the trans men im thinking of were very handsome maybe I was just jealous of their looks and male status).
- I always thought my ex was a gay man (he is a man but says hes not gay but Iv got doubts) and got upset that we cant have a gay relationship because that was the relationship I wanted to him. Our relationship felt off for this reason (maybe theres just something wrong with my ability to relate to men romantically so I do wierd shit like this to cope).
- I like it when people think im a man. I like how they treat me (because they treat me better as a man than as a masculine woman. Also I like it but im not euphoric its more :) than :D).
- I like being he/himed and adressed by the name I picked (even though I like it the name still feels a little off and it feels artificial and the artificial part makes me cringe).
- as a teenager I thought every day about how terrible it is that I have to live my one life as a woman (because life as a woman is restricted and painfull maybe I wasnt yearning to be male only to be free and to be treated with more dignity).
- as a child I got really mad when people corrected me about using the masculine term for my dream job (in my language jobs have a masculine and feminine version) and I was Really Mad I couldnt pee standing up (the masculine term is more serious (because of sexism) many women prefer it. And I was a wierd kid that would just do things maybe it was that).
- I like walking around my flat in trans tape and boxer shorts (Iv got a masculine build a flat chest looks more natural and pleasing on my body objectively. Many lesbians like boxershorts).
- I relate to I saw the tv glow very hard. I dont feel a strong connection to my reflection in the mirror. Could be anyone. Also to my life. Like its just a show im watching and I could change the chanel anytime.When I saw that movie I cried for hours after and I have trouble crying usually. I didnt think I might be trans until 1 year after I watched the movie. Got a tattoo of "there is still time" without thinking im trans. (the dissociation described in the movie can also come from being autistic).
- Iv had moments with a gay male freind that felt like flirting/attraction between two men (Iv got nothing for this cause that was intense and even with my self gaslighting I cant argue against how real that felt).
- I never had strong opinions on my body it was just there. The features I did like were my broad shoulders and my muscular back on the muscles on the top of my arm that I got from basketball (a butch woman would also like this but I know im not a butch woman I dont know why I know this but I know this for sure).
- I always wanted to be a cowboy (as a fantasy not as a real plan) I wanted that cool maculinity and rugged lifesyle.
- During covid when I was loosing my mind in lockdown I started wearing my fathers white collared office shirts because they made me feel like a person.
- Since Iv let myself consider I might be a guy the way I walk and move and sit has changed. I sit differently in my body. I feel a deep inner confidence and stability and peace. I dont let people talk down to me as much and can brush off insults more easily. I feel more compfortable in social interactions*.* I also see women differnetly (honestly more sexually) and have a stronger sense of my sexuality. Havent got a good counterargument to this one.
Reasons I might not be trans counterarguemts in italics:
I miss my long hair and cried with joy when I got a wig that looked like my old hair (Iv got an illness where I cant have hair). There are men with long hair and I lost a lot of my identitiy with my hair. It makes sense that I want it back. But I even like it with wigs that dont look like my old hair. I also just like looking good and I look good with long hair. Maybe I dont want to look female I just want to look good.
I love feminine shit. Dresses, makeup, glitter, bows.So do many drag queens.
For differnet reasons I live at an intersection of identities where no one gives me a fucking break. Maybe I think that if im a man some of this will go away. I also know being trans is dangerous and difficult. And how would this logical thought be affecting my feelings and desires so deeply feelings dont work like that.
I was raised to belive that women are not people or human. What if im just trying to be human? Thats possible although I hope Iv healed enough for this old belief to not have such a hold on me but who knows.
I dont have disphoria. But Iv dissociated from my body since around puberty and there is no other trauma at around puberty to explain this dissociation. Also the "not connecting to your reflection" thing could be disphoria.