u/itsathrowacctsrry

title explains it. no family, no friends. quite literally never been mistreated or abused. only safe because i am completely isolated. every day i feel like i become more and more aware just how bad my life has been and it feels insurmountable.

i can’t find anything about my life rn that makes it feel worthwhile. just looking for people that still have hope that can share what makes them hopeful. i worked very very hard to escape the abuse, but i would love reminders about how it feels to feel anything other than misery.

i also don’t have a single memory of anyone ever doing something out of their way, just to see me smile or because they wanted me to be happy. i feel like i was “groomed” by my parents to be a good little tool, useful to others, and to not make a sound until my use is required again. and i feel like this is something picked up on by everyone else i’ve ever known. i can’t get out of the cycle unless i don’t exist outside of my isolation.

sorry for posting so much recently, this is all i’ve got left. i am in emotional free fall right now and clinging to anything that’ll slow down what feels like an inevitable early fall. i deserved more out of this miserable existence and it’s been stolen from me by people who never even saw me as a person too.

idk man. my life has been one series of trauma after another without a break, it just changes shape and form. i am safe from my abusers thank god, and when i am in complete isolation i feel like i am in control of myself/my emotions. on paper i’ve got my shit together. but when i am around people i just shut down emotionally.

i’ve been through so much abuse and have zero idea how to connect with people, which feels exactly like what i’m missing in my healing. i really struggle with fawning and it’s like a switch flips in my brain that causes me to dissociate my way through conversations by trying to be as likable and agreeable as possible. i can’t force people to like me, and i wouldn’t want to make them anyways, but it just never works out. yeah i survived the abuse, but there is a very large part of me that worries i missed out on too much life to ever be “normal” enough for connection. i am so tired of doing everything alone.

how the fuck did i make it 26 years into my life, and still not have anyone ever there to look out for me in any way. it’s made me successful on paper because i had no choice but to survive on my own, but now i am actually scared that this much isolation and neglect has made it impossible for me to feel safe around humans. i already don’t feel like one, and i don’t feel like other people see me as one either.

if i actually allowed myself to feel all of the grief from this much betrayal, i think the collective whiplash from the trauma might actually kill me. all i can do is dissociate through my days until i am back in isolation. i have lots of hobbies i’m good at doing but have fully lost the joy since there’s never anybody there to do things with me. all of the sadness is mine to numb, and all of the joy is mine to celebrate. there’s never anybody there.

feeling close to throwing in the towel.

i don’t think i’m gonna survive this,i never had a chance from birth. this amount cannot be fixed and i am forever left with a decades-long scar where i was either invisible or abused

at what point is suicide no longer a permanent solution to temporary pain, and instead a mercy that ends chronic suffering

edit: i have to go back to work now, but thank you to everyone who is commenting and upvoting. i will read and reply when i have time. i’m not going down without a fight no matter how much i believe this is set in stone, and i hope you all feel the same.

fuck ANYONE who abused us, ANYONE who looked down on us for surviving. ANYONE who saw our pain and discarded us. we are better people than they will ever be and i am so god damn proud of all of you. keep surviving and fighting as long as you can. we will all rest someday, on our own terms.

m26, no plans to act on it despite a lot of ideation. i am still determined to survive in spite of it all. just in a really bad place and full of an indescribable amount of grief that’s locked behind a lifetime of dissociation. curious if i’m alone in this belief or it resonates with anyone else.

i am so sad. yesterday was my bday and i spent it all alone. i am so proud of all that i’ve survived and i have nobody that is nice to me. i’ve got a cat but i can’t handle the biting anymore and don’t think i’ve got the capacity for what he needs so i might need to give him up for both of our best interests. this life has been so hard and i’m just a grown up boy who nobody ever wanted. i am grieving so much all on my own. i just wanna be held while i cry but it’s always just me.