u/iwontgetbetter

I know my MIL and her kids have had it rough. She had a rough childhood. She got pregnant as a teen twice. She's had multiple shitty partners, she's been a single parent, and at certain points her partner's parents or her parents have had to take care of her kids for her. She's dealt with addiction, mental health issues, and still currently deals with alcohol addiction.

I know my husband had a rough childhood. It was constantly unstable, they were broke, constantly moving around, and he dealt with a fair bit of bullying as well. We've both had fairly difficult childhoods, but for completely different reasons. My parents didn't deal with addiction, and although we didn't have money, we always had a roof, clothes, food, necessities, electricity, water, etc. He dealt with that and neglect, while mine was more like... verbal abuse. Some sexual abuse. Manipulation, gaslighting, and a certain type of a abuse that really screws with your head. And an abusive family member/passive family member dynamic seems to run kind of deep in my family.

My husband and I are very understanding that we both had it rough, just in different ways. We've never compared or said one had it easier over the other. We also don't let the other say they had it easier either. (Like, my husband can't say he had it easier, I can't say I had it easier.) Both situations were bad. We talk about it, we vent, and comparisons are just not a thing.

We spend a decent amount of time with my in-laws, and the only way to have a decent time with them is to drink. They both drink a lot, and I'm more social/less uptight and nervous if I'm drinking. Anyway, there have been multiple times where my MIL has been drinking and will start talking about the past and all the things she's been through, or what her kids have been through.

Which is fine. I'm all ears. What I don't appreciate is when she gets to comparing. She's assuming she knows how my childhood was. She's assuming I didn't have any issues and the biggest "bad" thing that happened was my parents divorcing. She has no idea because I don't talk about it. I have no reason to and some of it, I cannot share. She has no reason to know about these things anyway.

She's made comments like, "What was it like to have it so easy?" "You have no idea how bad it got." "You have no idea what it's like to have it rough like that." "It's good that you had a good childhood, we certainly didn't. Wonder what that's like."

And like. She's aware things were bad enough for me to cut contact with my dad. I did that last year. That didn't come out of nowhere. I didn't do it for the hell of it. I'm not willing to talk about why because I know she'll minimize it all and compare experiences. She'll always come out worse than anyone else.

I don't know if she's just doing it to get under my skin, or maybe it's really not that big of a deal? Am I overreacting about these comments?

I've looked into how to use a cast iron skillet, and I have an idea of what to do. I know the one I got is "preseasoned", but I still need to wash it. It was in a store. If I do that, I need to "season" it again, and most of what I've seen people do is rub a high temp oil on it, get the excess off, and then bake it in the oven somewhere between 425-450 for 30 minutes to an hour.

I also have an electric stove with a glass top. I know if I drop it on there, it's over. I can't drag it across it or it'll scratch. And they take a while to heat, which I expected. The thing weighs a million pounds.

The reason I even got the skillet is because my husband is dying for me to cook him steak. I never cook it because that is the one intimidating meat that is too expensive to screw up. All types of chicken, any ground meat, pork, whatever. I can work with those. Those are fairly difficult to mess up and even if I do, I can salvage it.

Steak? Out of my comfort zone. Mostly because he likes his as rare as possible. If he can order it blue at a restaurant, he will.

All I had before getting the cast iron was a teflon pan or a stainless steel pan that has seen better days. I will not cook any meat on that pan. I know meat is "supposed" to eventually be released when it's ready to be flipped. It used to do that, but over the years, it doesn't do that anymore. It was old when I was given it, and it's even older now. I've done everything to prevent burning and sticking, I've messed with the temperature, oils and butters, it's just an old pan. If I cook a steak on there, it'll be cemented on there.

Worst case scenario - I overcook the steak and make burritos. He would be happy with that. He bought some steaks frozen and in bulk (it was cheaper) so I have room for trial and error. They are ribeyes on the thinner side. I'm assuming I should mention that. He's not expecting for a super rare steak since it is on the thinner side. I just need for it to not turn out like rubber.

Assuming I season the skillet and everything is fine there... the fuck do I do after that? How do you keep it from getting rubbery? How do you know when it's done? What should the temp even be to cook it?

(I've made posts like this before, and I always get people asking me why my husband doesn't just cook it. I want to cook it. I am the cooker. He knows just as much about actually cooking a steak as I do. He just actually likes eating them and I do not.)

I'm 24F and I've experienced depression and anhedonia throughout most of my life. The depression lingers a lot more, but the anhedonia (luckily) comes and goes, and currently, I'm dealing with it. Ask me anything.

I'm going on a trip for about a week, and I've got half a bag of russet potatoes that I would like to try and freeze so they won't go bad. I know there's a chance they won't, but with my luck... I'll come back to a bag of rotten potatoes.

I've looked up different ways on how to do it and there are so many conflicting answers. Some people blanch them before freezing, while others say they'll just turn into mush when you thaw them and it's pointless. I've seen people cooking them (air frying, baking, mashing them) and then others say they're mushy or have a weird texture after being thawed.

My plan was to season and bake them like I usually do, freeze them on a sheet pan and then put them into ziploc bags. I've considered making mashed potatoes, freezing them flat in a ziploc bag, but that one seems like the worst idea since apparently, they turn into liquid after thawing. And then making breakfast potatoes with the rest, which I just cook in a pan. And then freezing them in a sheet pan and separating them into ziplocs.

I don't want to put all this work into cooking them, freezing them, separating them, just for them to be nasty.

I know there's a way to do this. I buy frozen potatoes all the time. I didn't know there was so much discourse on the "right" way to do it, without them turning brown or into mush.

I need opinions and advice. I freeze food all the time, but I've never frozen potatoes.

I plan on making an appointment with a trauma specialized therapist soon, and there's an option to email her with my contact information and what I'm looking for, like a consultation, or availability. I know it's unrealistic to assume I'll click with the first therapist I meet, but I don't even know how to go about getting a therapist or knowing if they're right or wrong for me.

This feels wildly different compared to when I made my first doctor's appointment and got a PCP or the first time I went to the dentist as an adult.

I'm assuming a consultation would be needed before deciding on a therapist, but I have no idea about what is involved there. I know they'll likely ask me questions, and I would like to ask them questions, but I don't even know what to ask. I don't know what to look for or what to expect. Their profiles all include the things they're experienced with, what they help with, the types of therapy they do.

I know typically, it takes a while for people to really open up to a therapist about something traumatic. I don't feel like that's the case for me. I've bottled it up for 15+ years, I feel like if I don't talk to someone about it soon, I might explode. I don't know if that's... appropriate? Is there an appropriate timeline to finally get into the nitty gritty details about why I'm seeking out help?

Assuming I get through the consultation, the therapist ticks all the boxes for me, and I feel like I'll be comfortable with getting help from them. What do appointments look like? Do they ask questions, and I answer? Is it more like a conversation? Does it depend on the therapy? I've quite literally only seen therapy in books and movies, and I don't know how accurate that is.

I'm very much out of my element, and I feel like I don't even know where to start.

I dealt with CSA and had to cope with it on my own. No one in my family knew it was happening, who did it, that it was a family member, when it stopped, etc. I had sort of always known something had happened, but I didn't have visual memories of it happening, so I always tried to convince myself that it didn't happen or that I was making it up. Regardless of that, it very clearly affected my behavior as a child in many ways. I was absolutely obsessed with sex from a very young age, but I felt absolutely awful and disgusting for it. (I was also raised religious, so I'm sure that had to do with how I felt about it.)

I had unmonitored access to the internet by age 10-11. I didn't have anyone telling me what I could and couldn't do, what was and wasn't appropriate, no one monitoring the sites I was on, and I knew how to clear my internet history. My parents were not tech savvy at all, so that was enough to keep them in the dark about what I was doing.

This was around 2009-2010, so I would go on public chat rooms. I'd include the year I was born, or my age, in my username because I was a child and that's what I thought everyone did. I'd be honest about my age if someone asked. And I'd essentially seek out inappropriate attention from much, much older men.

And I knew the conversations I was having weren't appropriate. I knew I shouldn't have been doing what I was doing. I wouldn't say I was groomed because... I was the one looking to have the conversations in the first place. I feel terrible because what the fuck was I doing? Like, god knows how terrible that could've gone had I spoken to someone absolutely batshit crazy, or had I been too trustworthy with someone.

I did this for years in various ways, on various sites and apps, and it was like a cycle. I'd crave that attention I knew I shouldn't, I'd seek it out, and then I'd feel disgusting after. I'd feel like a monster. I almost felt like I was the predator in this situation. Even now, as an adult, it makes me sick thinking about what I was doing then.

I've been on the fence about getting therapy for a long time now. I've gone back and forth between getting down to a specific therapist/type of therapy I think would help, literally about to call and make an appointment, and then chickening out because I don't want to open up to someone, I don't know how graphic or specific I can get with my experience and how it's affected me, and being absolutely terrified of judgement about everything. About what I can and can't remember, about how I remember things, about how it's affected me, how I've coped with it, and the choices I've made due to the abuse. Although I can't get graphic with like, visual memories? I can certainly get specific and graphic with how I feel or remember feeling and I just don't know what's acceptable and what isn't with a therapist.

Anyway, what I'm also confused about is how it will help. Right now, I know I have maybe one healthy coping mechanism and a handful of other unhealthy coping mechanisms to... deal. Is therapy something that is strictly like, to help me learn how to cope in a healthy way, and a way for me to process it, or will I actually get over it with therapy?

Because I know I'll never forgive the person for what they did. I just can't imagine ever truly "getting over it".

It's not something I ruminate over every single day, but I know it affects me in so many different ways that I don't even consciously think about. I think about it every day. Just in passing, I'll think, "Oh, wow. This shitty thing really did happen to me."

And sometimes I spiral, sometimes I don't. And sometimes things trigger me, and sometimes they don't.

If I went to therapy, and let's assume I hit the jackpot and find a great therapist and the right kind of therapy needed for my situation. Will there ever be a day where I am completely unaffected by this? Or is this forever? Or does it depend on the person, the abuse, the situation, and a bunch of other things?

The CSA happened when I was younger and stopped before I was at least 8-9 years old. Probably well before that. At the time, I didn't know it was bad or something was wrong, really. Like, I was uncomfortable and I remember some of it happening, but I don't really remember being distressed at the time. That didn't come up until I got older and realized that shouldn't have happened, that was SA, it was inappropriate, etc.

Because it was a family member, I was a kid, it was no longer happening, and I had no proof it had happened in the past, I tried to forget about it. I tried to act like it didn't happen. It was my word, as a child, against a beloved family member. My grandma's husband, my mom's father, the preacher of our church, etc. Everyone loved him. It honestly wouldn't have been safe for me to say anything.

And even though I tried to forget about it and act like it didn't happen, it did cause me to have some strange and inappropriate behavior. But aside from that, I basically tried to gaslight myself into believing I was misremembering things, misunderstanding what was going on, and that it didn't actually happen.

That only works but for so long. I'm 24 and just now realizing that I can't do that anymore. I also can't tell my family because now he's dead. I'd be talking badly about my grandma's deceased husband, my mom's deceased father. I know how they would take it and I'd end up being shunned. As much as they've let me down in other ways, as passive as they were with other inappropriate behaviors of his when I was older, I still want a relationship with them. I don't know why that's important to me considering they didn't care enough to protect me from him when he was being a creep right in front of them.

I don't know what set me off this one night, but my MIL had said something positive about my grandpa. He was brought up briefly in a conversation, she complimented him, and I just spiraled. My husband and I went home, and I had this huge meltdown and I told him everything. I know how stupidly unfair it is to have not told him this for six years, especially before getting married, but I was still trying to act like it didn't happen. I thought I could do it long term.

He's been more than understanding, supportive and caring. He's the one and only person in my life I have ever told this to. I told him maybe 2 months ago.

Last night, I had a few drinks. It's not uncommon for the both of us, or one of us, to have a few drinks before adult activities sometimes. Obviously, if we're hammered, we're just going to bed. We didn't try anything new. Nothing weird had happened. I trust my husband and I've never doubted that I am completely safe with him in every way there is.

But I had a panic attack. I had initiated and as things were going further, I started to feel sick. Not the, "I had too much to drink." kind of sick. The kind of nauseating feeling I would get when I was around my grandpa. I got that feeling that my stomach was in my throat. It was like I had felt pure terror in that moment. It felt like it was him. I didn't even feel like myself after that. I felt so out of it and so panic driven and it was impossible to catch my breath.

I kept having to remind myself that I was with my husband, that my husband was the one holding me, etc.

And my husband was more than understanding; he comforted me the best he could. I can imagine how jarring it is to be doing one thing one moment, and your partner completely flips out. It's never happened before either. It was out almost out of nowhere. I say almost, because at first I thought I was just dealing with acid reflux. But then I knew what that feeling was, and it wasn't acid reflux.

I'm so embarrassed. I'm terrified that this is going to be the thing that pushes him over the edge and I'm going to be too much to deal with. He's never made me feel like that, ever. It's still a worry of mine.

I don't understand why it's happening now though. Of all the times for me to have a panic attack and flashbacks and dealing with all of this, wouldn't it make more sense for it to have happened earlier in my life? Not later in life?