u/jampere

I cant f*ing stand the fact that every single one of us is stuck with a face. We just got randomly assigned this face none of us chose. Whether average, below average, above average.

for the one life we get. Ugly, average, asymmetries, lopsided faces, bug eyes, big noses, bad skin, recessed faces, perfect faces, long faces, philtrums, smile lines, whatever shts so insane, unfair and disgusting I hate how ts life works every time I even look at other people I just get reminded of this yet its somehow completely normal and natural to people.

"You have your grandfathers nose" "You have your mothers eyes" that shts disgusting unless its objectively attractive!!! Ain't anything beautiful about this genetic recombination mess. Utter lottery on what you're going to look like.

Weird how some animals look very good on average like the whole great cat family. They literally have to be deformed to look below average. With humans the range of looks is so insanely absurd and merciless, some people look completely different species.

I wish there was a magic surgery, a magic pill, anything which drastically improves or changes your looks. But there isn't. Not even doing multiple surgeries usually changes the overall harmony of the face, unless they have a one simple flaw like a big nose, big ears, recessed chin. Its all just playing around this genetic foundation and I hate it so much. Being in this body and face which has ZERO reflection on what I actually am.

I've done everything I can, ideal bodyfat%, skincare + accutane, perfect diet with all micronutrients, exercise regularly, eyebrow pencil, oral minoxidil, eyelash curler, facial lymphatic drainage massages, antioxidants, ideal sleep, hairdye, potassium/sodium ratio, clean shaves, ideal medium length haircut.

But its just not enough, because of my genetic base. I try to edit my face with AI to look if rhinoplasty or something like that changes anything drastically, but no, the harmony just remains the same because of my genetic makeup. I'm so frustrated and tired of all of this. All this "improvement" just to be far worse off than a lucky genetics person who eats slop and does bare minimum for their looks. It has ruined and consumed my life since the age of 12.

How is anyone supposed to get over this? Can't just go to meme therapy and just cope with "self-acceptance" lmao.

"Just put yourself out there." "Just talk to more people." "Just ask questions and use follow-ups." "Do exposure therapy".

What do people think I was doing for the first twenty years of my life?

I had neurotypical friends when I was a kid. I grew up with neurotypical brothers/parents. I went to school every day. I was pushed into hobbies. I attended family gatherings, social events, group activities, and all the other things people insist you're supposed to do to develop social skills.

I've put more conscious effort into understanding social interaction than most people ever will. What kind of herd animal has to learn how to communicate with their own species?

The ostracization, the insanely obvious bully like behavior by honestly majority of NT people once they subconsciously realize somethings wrong with me in just seconds, the looks of smirking at their friends when I enter a room at school/workplace, the instant switch of energy once I start talking to them, the ignoring in group settings, so much more. Last time I had a positive interaction must've been since I was a kid.

Everyday I think what's the point of continuing this life, not even in a depressed way but just logically because legitimately what’s the point if nothing will change. The return of investment is just nonexistent. The only thing keeps me here is upcoming videogames and FOMO.

All I do is try to survive in this pile of trash NT world trying to work, trying to study, whatever, for what? Just so majority of my time is spent on a fulltime hellhole job which renders me utterly exhausted and useless to even enjoy the tiny crumbs of coping methods I have. And the times I am unemployed, its just dissociation and anxiety, unable to initiate anything; and if I succeed at trying anything, all I can think about is that what am I doing this for? This is a COPE.

All meaning has been stripped away because I have no one. Not a single person. Not one distant friend who texts with me even once a year. Just silence. While if I were to open my window blinds even at this moment I would see a friendgroup or a couple outside. Words can't describe how bitter and alien than makes me feel.

It’s comical how I’m in the exact same position socially as if I had never even tried. If I’d been homeschooled in isolation and just NEETed for years, I’d probably be in the same spot except I’d actually be doing something meaningful with my autistic interests instead of being a CPTSD-riddled apathetic misanthrope from trying to force myself into the NT world.

I would’ve been better off. I could’ve been deep into FNAF lore, or whatever weird ridiculous **** probably. Anything would’ve been better than this.

I haven't found a single person who has had the same situation, and somehow crawled out of it. Every time I see a success story, they already had at least one saving grace: "Thankfully I had my husband/wife haha!" "Thankfully I had a friend haha!...

But nah, here I am, without any home, without any place, without any interest, without any people, an absolute husk of a being.

First week and a day fulltime working done. Utterly exhausted burnt out and after each day I look like a tortured war prisoner (not exaggerating), incapacitated afterwards feeling like I have been awake for 32 hours so theres zero energy to even watch a youtube video. Tried coping with mode adhd meds, excess calories, supplements etc barely help.

How do you cope?