u/janensea

I struggled with the idea of induction a lot this pregnancy. There’s something about picking your child’s birthdate that felt unnatural to me. I went with 5/26/26 because it was 38+1, the first day after a long holiday weekend in the U.S. (Memorial Day weekend) and because it was just a random Tuesday. I put so much thought and worry into that choice and, to some extent, I still wonder if I did everything right. I had a lot of amniotic fluid (polyhydramnios) which made me worry about cord prolapse. I was also hobbling around a lot, couldn’t take a full deep breath and he was quite big for arriving two weeks early. Think he would have definitely surpassed 9lbs if I’d gone to 40 weeks.

I arrived at 7am having been at 3cm for a week and was shortly roomed in the room nearest the nurses station. Asked to start off on super low dose Pitocin to see if I could kickstart labor efficiently with just a little boost. Four hours later and no progress. Okay, let’s up the Pitocin! Went to 10 and finally started feeling progress. Got a little too excited and asked to go up to 12. The contractions were painful but it was all happening very fast so I breathed my way through them. Bo was in my arms less than two hours later. Technically speaking, my labor was 6.5 hours long but practically speaking, and in my memory, it was really only two hours of “work”. He arrived safely and looked so much like Kip and so much like the son we never got to bring home, Hank.

Things I am thankful for looking back..

— we had the same nurse on Bo’s delivery date as we had when we lost our Hank. She remembered us. Found me in the hallway on our way out and gave me a huge hug.

— my sister’s help at home to watch Kip while we were admitted. I’m no-contact with partners family due to their conduct after losing Hank so it means a ton when what family you do have shows up for you in meaningful ways.

— Bo being here and healthy. We’ve had a bumpier road to recovery than I had with Kip but even so, he’s alive and healthy and I can’t put into words how grateful I am we get to keep him.

— Hank. I will forever long for my second son. Some nights as I put my other sons to bed, I imagine them speaking at their graduations, their weddings, about their missing brother. I imagine them honoring him and saving a chair for him at these big future moments in their lives. I tear up at how much love I feel swelling up inside for a little boy I never got to raise. And yet, I’m so thankful that he was with us at all. That he will always be a part of our family still.