u/jasonmovad

my dad took me to the mountains today. it was fun , i love my dad . i enjoyed it .but even so , the feeling of sadness never leaves . sometimes i think about turning my life around , sometimes i get a moment of hope and get the stupid idea that maybe i can grow up and live a normal life , but this only lasts so long until it all goes away , and im left with the usual emptiness. i dont want to kill myself, i wouldn’t do that to my family , i love them, but oh do i want to die . my plan right now is just to delay the inevitable, live until i no longer can . but its so hard , the feeling of sadness and doom never leaves . i dont recognize myself , i dont recognize my voice , my face , i dont know who i am anymore and i dont think i ever did. i cant believe you can do everything right and still end up raising a useless , fucked up child . i really want a chicken sandwich right now , or a hug , or to be put down

up at night crying and doom scrolling when i thought hm maybe i should get some sleep. but why would i do that , it’s not like i have anything to do the next day, or the day after that , or any days in the foreseeable future . i haven’t felt excited in so long , all i fucking do is get anxious about wasting my life and then do nothing about it. i want to die, but im afraid of failing , afraid of the pain. i guess we can’t all get what we want .when i see people die in movies or games i get jealous . when i see people in general i get jealous , jealous of how normal they seem . i study the faces of everyone i see , analyzing what makes them look human and why i just look so , wrong . whenever i lay down i fantasize about a big sword impaling me . i’m so lonley , but my family loves me , and i have some friends, so why do i feel this way . ? for now i’ll live , one forgetful day after another , because im too much of a fucking pussy to kill a dead man .

today is the start of my summer break and the feeling of hopelessness is already growing . as a student this should be the thing i look forward to , yet i can’t seem to get excited for anything nowadays , it’s all just anxiety. i stay up late not because i have something to do , but because i dread the next day . i feel so stupid , keep forgetting things .lost in my thoughts often . I want to die but i’m too much of a pussy to do it myself. wish someone loved me enough to shoot me in my sleep.