u/jenniferbernard

This is my fourth serving job and nowhere else I’ve worked has this been an issue but regularly all at once, they’ll seat me back-to-back-to-back a seven top, a four top, and another seven top and then like five minutes later two two-tops and I just can’t offer good, prompt service in those scenarios and my manager said maybe if being triple sat a total of 18 guests is a problem, I just shouldn’t be a server.

What do you guys think?

I find that it can be a bit of a challenge to control the tone of my voice when someone is rude but most people are pleased and complimentary. I get a decent amount of supply from my guests, without having to have a dysfunctional relationship to get it.

My serving persona is so much happier and healthier and smooth and outgoing than my full personality. I channel all my best and generally leave behind all the worst parts of me.

Until about five years ago, I would cope with my constant dissatisfaction (NPD) and emptiness and boredom (BPD) by planning on what I wanted to change in myself, making schedules to try to stick to with things on them that if I stuck to the schedule would mean I was living a pretty well rounded life, by making meal plans, which I never prepped for and followed for long, etc.

Five years ago, I got my Borderline Diagnosis and spent six months of the year in higher levels of mental health care and I came to realize the things I struggled with weren’t going to go away, that I couldn’t make myself with sheer determination into the version of myself I wanted to be, etc.

I had this ideal self I envisioned myself becoming but really I’m just an unfocused, sloppy, lazy, undisciplined loser.

I don’t like myself because having NPD and BPD and probably just a general inborn lameness make me so far from the ideal self I had in mind.

My mom houses me for only a couple hundred dollars a month. I think between living in abject terror of when the day comes that my mom dies and I can’t afford life on my own but have to somehow and grieving who I am and am not, there’s this heaviness and tightness in my chest all the time. I am definitely not a happy person.

Anyone else relate to this fall from fantasy?