u/jess8917

My MIL and I have never been really close. For starters, she is old enough to be my grandma and is very traditional. I’ve always been incredibly independent and that’s hard for her to understand. My husband is very enmeshed with his parents which has always caused riffs in our 13 years together, almost 11 years married. She was overbearing during wedding planning and baby showers so I no longer ask her for help in anything because she just wants to take over and be in control. She has never liked my rules as a parent and thinks grandparents should not have any boundaries and are allowed to do whatever they want. This is also the lady who when watching my son around age 3 or 4 lied to me about a dog biting him in the face and still refuses to acknowledge the truth and the second time I came around and let her watch him for a day gave him 2 V8 energy drinks and minimized it by saying that it natural energy and he was fine because he danced and sang for two hours. Yet he came home and threw up because of it.

Recently, my in-laws have developed a close relationship with family friends. It’s a little hard to describe but this couple is the son and DIL of very good friends of ours who has passed away. This couple has a daughter that recently had a baby. My in-laws are over the moon about this baby, especially since it’s a little girl. Now here’s what’s bothering and I don’t really have anyone who I can vent to. My in-laws constantly harp on us that we don’t bring our son over enough. The truth is, my son doesn’t like going over there because my FIL constantly does anything he can, lately he’s been using money, to get my son close so he grab him and force him to hug him. This has been a huge issue with me that my husband doesn’t agree is a big issue. The other day they drove right by our house to go see this baby but will never stop at our house. It’s just always expected that we go to theirs.

This weekend we threw my MIL a 75th birthday party and the whole time they were obsessing over the baby and hardly acknowledged my son. That’s fine he was busy swimming. My MIL is a very dramatic person and walked around the whole time saying “where’s my little baby girl”. She made very acknowledgment of me being there which is fine but I’m starting to feel like she thinks of this other girl as the daughter in law she’s always wanted. I’m struggling a little bit because I try to have a decent relationship with them but I just don’t put up with their shit. I speak up when they make derogatory comments about people’s weight or any of their other judgments. This other lady is pretty much the complete opposite so I understand why my MIL likes her.

I don’t really know if I’m even looking for advice or just a space to vent. I want to make it clear that I know people love babies and this really isn’t about the baby. It’s about how my in-laws are. However, for as much as they love babies they do not like that I’m currently pregnant as a surrogate and will avoid the subject at all costs. They have said some pretty insensitive things to people about me being a surrogate 2 times.

I’ve been married to my husband for almost 11 years, together 13 years. When we met, he was living with his parents since he’d just moved from another state. A few weeks into dating he told me that he couldn’t date me any more because his parents didn’t like me. I had very minimal interactions with them up to that point.

We continue dating, he moves out into an apartment, we eventually move in together, and get engaged. The whole wedding planning was a nightmare. I’m a very independent person and did a lot of the planning myself. She was so offended because I wasn’t constantly asking her for help. So she started asking my husband if she could do XYZ because she knew he wouldn’t tell her no. She told me that our wedding had to be nice because we had guests coming from California (I’m still not sure what them being from California had to do with anything). At my bridal shower she picked up my purse, dug through it pulling everything out without my permission saying that it was a game. My family was in shock that she did this. About a year after we were married, I had brought it to his attention that I felt like he was always putting his parents before me and he flat out told me that his parents would always come before me.

Fast forward to us getting pregnant. She didn’t like the name we picked so she would always make comments about names that she liked. She also hi-jacked my gender reveal and did everything that I said I didn’t want and made it into the party she wanted. When my son was born, they hung out in my room almost the entire time I was in the hospital. My husband had told me that I wasn’t allowed to tell people they couldn’t visit at the hospital. So there I was bleeding all over the place and they wouldn’t even leave so I could shower. They insisted on holding the baby while I showered. There was also an issue between us because I had asked people not to kiss the baby. They were disrespectful about it and would try and get as close to his face ask possible.

Fast forward another few years, my father in law would grab my son and force hugs on his and kiss him. I could tell my son was uncomfortable by the way he was pulling away. I spoke up and said something and it became a huge deal. They accused me of not wanting my son to love them and that I was coaching him to not want to be hugged. I was then not allowed at their house for 4 months and they had a whole family Christmas without me. My husband sided with them throughout this whole thing. He said that they are grandparents and they should get to do whatever they want. He also said that boundaries are a new age thing that he and his parents think is stupid.

Over the years, our son has started expressing that he doesn’t like going over there and I know it’s because my father in law doesn’t respect his boundaries and he doesn’t like the forced affection. My husband just can’t understand why our son feels that way.

My husband is at his parent every beck and call. His dad will make comments about how my husband owes them for the millions of dollars they spent raising him. They are always calling asking when we are coming over. They have to ask how much something costs every time we purchase something.

My husband’s sister passed away when they were teens and he was the only child left in the house. I feel like he tried to do everything to make his parents happy. A little while after the sister’s passing, his mother and older sister got into an argument and the mother said something to the older sister and they have not had much of a relationship since. I have only seen the older sister 2 times throughout our whole relationship so I’m not close with her. I have heard both my in laws talk about how much of a bitch she is and that she took the grandkids away from them. My husband will repeat some of the things his parents say but has never really tried to have a relationship with her. In the beginning, I believe what his family said about her but now I’m wondering if she walked away because of the family dynamic.

I’ll end by saying that it is hard to want to stay in a marriage with someone so enmeshed. As long as I’m agreeing with him and his parents, everything is good but if I don’t then it’s always a 3 against 1 war. I don’t want the same dynamics to funnel down to my son.

If you’ve gotten this far, thanks for reading everything. If you’ve have any advice on dealing with enmeshment, please give it to me.