u/joweekun

Kinda a rant/vent, kinda looking for input, not sure what the right decision is.

I 26M have worked food service most of my adult life. My last job I was a beertender/barista at a health food joint and I made okay money. Had to get carpal tunnel surgery and couldn't afford to wait the 6 weeks to go back to work so I took the chance to get a job as a teller at a bank.

I love the schedule and I feel like I'm finally building towards something/a career, but I make 16/hr. I've tried making it work. After deductions and medical, rent, bills, utilities, I'm negative $20 before I even think about groceries and gas, let alone debt.

If I go back to bartending or similar, I'll be making enough money to survive and slowly pay off my debts (credit card + medical) with enough to start building my savings back up. I just feel so much shame for "going back." But I can't afford to live on 16/hr and it's impossible to get a second job with my hours. I put out 20+ applications for part time work and they either need availability I don't have or there are 10 other applicants who are the same as me...

I tried to stick it out. I just feel like a failure.

that's all. i work at a bank. it's not very busy, but it's a bank, so it's really stressful when i do mess up. i'm beating myself up. i've been able to rectify my mistakes but i'm having a really hard time. i normally don't make these kinds of mistakes but i've been so dissociated, switchy, and had so much amnesia that it makes me feel fucking stupid.

all i want to do is drive to my address from two years ago and cuddle up in my bed from two years ago with my dog from two years ago and in my room from two years ago. but none of that exists anymore and i'm lost in the rain and i'm too anxious to drive.

how do you cope? my apartment now isn't *mine.* my home as i knew it doesn't exist anymore, and my apartment now is so unfamiliar that i don't think i can calm down there. i wasn't able to reach my therapist today by either of our usual methods and i missed our session because the building door was locked so i couldn't get in

i want to break down so badly but i don't have a safe space to do that. my safe space is gone. yeah i have some of the same things but it's too different. i dont recognize myself

I hate feeling the breeze so easily on my scalp. Normally I can ignore it, I'm lucky that my hair is curly so it looks thicker than it is and I'm mostly through the shedding phase, but feeling the wind across my entire head is the worst and reminds me of how much hair I've lost. I can't even enjoy a walk with my boyfriend sometimes because all I can focus on is the sensation of my hair feeling hollow and sparse and it brings so much attention to it that I just end up comparing my hairline and density to everyone we walk past. I'm really short for a guy too so everyone can see my part line/the top of my head

It's really hot in my apartment but I just turned my fan off because it was making me spiral.

prefacing this by saying: he knows i'm diagnosed with DID. i told him before asking him to become my boyfriend "officially" and explained to him what it looks like for me. he said yes and told me he has a couple system friends and all has been going really well since then. it's been 2.5 months.

a few weeks ago i had a very traumatic event. without specifics, i found my mom in a pool of her own blood, with it trailed throughout the entire apartment. she is physically fine now and it looked a lot worse than it actually was. still, it was incredibly stressful and i nearly reverted back into old habits. he offered help and i almost refused, but ended up accepting it. which was great and really healing, but it ended up dropping a huge wall i had up, and now i've been switching.

up until this point only one alter has really fronted with him. he's the social one, who doesn't really get anxious and has a lot of energy and is way more outgoing/extroverted, when the rest of us are pretty much happy being on our own (NOT saying we're not interested in him, but the affection we show is so much more subdued and our social batteries get drained super quickly, even though we all feel the same about my partner.) i'm also going through a pretty major job/career change, just had carpal tunnel surgery a week ago, am moving june 1st, and dealing with my mom who is in and out of the hospital. so i've been kind of unstable in the alter/switching department.

on top of acting different, the amnesia has really been messing with me too. mostly around plans/dates. i need to start setting alarms reminding me what day it is, because my days have been getting so so messed up and i can't remember what day of the week it is. i feel horrible and flaky and i feel so bad that i haven't been able to be the same person my partner first started dating.

there's a decent chance that i'm projecting, but i don't think i am. at least not fully. i'm just feeling like a fundamentally broken person. like, literally. it's the entire part of this awful disorder. it sucks finally becoming comfortable enough to tear down some walls i had built up, only to find that those walls were load-bearing, and now the foundation feels unsteady.

venting, but looking for advice, too. any people dating someone without DID/people without DID dating someone with it? i just need some perspective. i know i need to communicate this with him, but any long-term advice would be really helpful as well. i really really like him and want it to work. our relationship is healthy otherwise, we have the same goals, same needs/wants/etc. i'm having a hard time sorting through my thoughts.

I know this is mostly a question for my surgeon, but I'm trying to prepare properly for work as soon as I can since it will probably be a week or so before I meet with one.

I've seen people talk about returning after desk jobs and after manual labor, but nothing in between... I',m 25M and very healthy otherwise but use my hands often.

How long did it take to be able to use your hands all day?

How long did it take to be able to lift something like a bottle of wine with the precision to pour it properly?

I know it will be a long time to be able to carry dish and glass racks, lift dump trays from under the bar, etc but I was hoping I could at least get back to work to take orders and make/pour drinks.