u/jughedjones2

Im only 16 and i feel addicted to a number of things in my life.

so when i was 15 i had major body issues which led to binge eating, gaining weight and then just a bad relationship with food where i would obsess over it constantly (still sort of do now). i managed to stop but to block out the food noise i resorted to cigarettes which i also eventually got addicted to. so i switched to vapes - then also got addicted as well.

during this time i also started drinking every 3 weeks or so with my friends. getting piss drunk on a empty stomach off of shots of vodka until we threw up. and i have to say getting drunk feels like one of the best things in life. however one of these times i remember accidentally taking weed at the same time and getting crossfaded which absolutely traumatised me. however i know for a fact if i try weed by itself i will get addicted to it, so im staying clear of it for now.

unfortunately alcoholism runs in my family (especially on my dads side ) and i can see my self indulging in it substantially just like my dad does which i really dont like - especially because my mum has been dealing with his drinking since before they were married, i dont want to add to the pressure.

a few months ago when my dad was taking cocaine recreationally (even though one time i quite literally heard him taking it), i dont know what came over me but i decided to take a little bit - i was feeling restless and angry with him and there was no nicotine in the house at the time. so i had some but all i got was a mild headache and sore hands that were hard to flex.

i didnt think much about this until the day after and i realised that i had taken an illicit drug that could've seriously hurt me if i had too much. i realised how impulsive this action was - and it worried me because i can definitely see myself making similar impulsive and reckless decisions like this in the future.

things aren't going so well at home, especially after a recent family suicide related to former drug and alcohol abuse as well as just mental health issues - but i'm scared to go down that similar path.

a few months ago i was really trying to stay on track with school, study hard and remove all these addictive substances from my life - but now i feel myself slipping. some days i feel somewhat hopeless and completely unmotivated because i dont really see a future for myself. and i get these terrible feelings or visions that i'm going to wind up dead either by my own choice or because of my own stupid self destructive actions.

sorry for the rant and im really sorry if this is triggering for some people - but some words of advice would be really helpful right now haha.

I swear from this day today I’m never binging again. It’s become a huge emotional strain on my health - physical and mental . It makes me feel horrible, just straight up guilt, shame , anger, frustration. It’s going to be hard but I need to sit with my feelings, even with life and the events around me that occur. I can’t and I will not , never again. I won’t restrict, I will feed what my body needs and treat it how it needs to be treated.

I need to focus on other things - and I can’t replace this addiction with something else just as bad , instead I’ll pick up healthier habits, have a better outlook on life. Things won’t be this bad, food will always be there when I need it - life comes with other joys that I will experience and enjoy and I will accomplish the goals I wish to achieve . These are the most important years of my life - I’m no longer going to waste the days away sitting in my room, tormented by what I could look like, or how thin I’m capable of being.

I’m only young, and I’ve already taken so much for granted. Why should I hate myself for loving one of life’s biggest gifts? Food. While I do hate myself, I will continue on working not too. The journey will be hard but life has so much too give , I can do this. I will do this. I hope everyone else on this journey can make it and achieve this shitty disorder , I believe in myself and so should you.