i wish i could just understand my mother. i know something is wrong.
the only way i’ll be happy is when i finally move away from home. and far. i spent my whole entire life believing i can’t be far from my mom. i was parentified as a child and always ended up feeling responsible for the problems my probably narcissistic or sociopathic father created, responsible for taking care of my mom and younger brothers. and always in the middle of adult business.
now as an adult at home im starting to realize how my mom as much as she fiercely loves me, always makes me feel like i am a problem. my house dynamic is a complete blame game with no accountability. i just want to feel okay in my home and whenever i suggest any changes we can make all of a sudden im the i do nothing and im lazy, meanwhile my brothers get away with putting in the bare minimum with everything.
i think im starting to realize how much she views my siblings and i as extensions of herself. a few weeks ago she was sobbing to me about my brothers college situation and how she doesn’t want to put him through the same thing her mother did to her and become her mom. she doesn’t want him to be like her because she feels like she failed and she does nothing. she’s physically disabled and chronically ill. and her mother took her out of school for no reason. i tried to explain to her that it’s not that, money is an issue and gavin is not her, she just wouldn’t get it.
but when i had to drop out of my dream college bc they couldn’t afford it and i was struggling mentally and emotionally. i was kicked out for 1.5 months.
when issues arise at home with taking care of the house, my mom puts up a defense and tries to prove and show off how much she does while putting me down and avoiding the topic of how my brothers get away with everything, when in reality we are just dysfunctional and can’t work together. when i bring this up and come up with ideas on how we can work together better. i’m a problem.
the other night i was screamed at to get out of the fucking house because i left a bottle of tylenol on the table. i went upstairs, back down and starting putting everyone’s shit away while upset. of course i escalated things and was trying to prove a point. and i knew it wouldn’t help. but i just can’t take the way they make me feel.
my whole life my mom has been putting on a show of how much she’s suffered, telling us her stories of abuse, portraying herself as a victim and a hero for how she did everything for us when my siblings and my childhood was unstable and tumultuous. when i tell her personal vulnerable information sometimes she’d use it to get a laugh from her friends or for them to feel bad for her. my brothers are both autistic and growing up being an autism mom and over explaining and excusing their poor behavior that really isn’t innate in autism was her thing.
when i was a teenager i wasn’t allowed to have mental health problems. i always felt like i was a shadow to my brothers and her who had worse things going on while i knew something was wrong with me. whenever i would have a mental health episode it somehow became about her but “i must be psychotic” and i was gaslit horrendously.
for a while i truly believed my mom was doing better. she was in therapy, but supposedly she “graduated it.” and now things feel like nothing have changed and again im reminded of the ways she affects me but i always end up feeling so guilty and like i should be there for her and like i am just a problem.
it’s like we will have an explosive fight and then the next day she’s calling me baby cakes and being kind to me like nothing happened. then she’s uninterested in anything i say to her about my own life and i feel like im begging for her attention. and then the cycle repeats. in the problem again until she wants my attention or needs me, and then she just seemingly doesn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything but what she wants.
i am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. i know my mom has PTSD. but for so long ive felt like something is so wrong, like maybe she has some type of PD as well and has no clue at all. sometimes it feels like she has no sense of awareness when her emotions are heightened. it scares me so much how over time i realize how i am like her when i remember the ways she is not perfect and has not always been there for me. growing up i was lead to believe my dad was the problem. to this day when i behave a certain way she doesn’t understand sometimes she’s like “you definitely got that from your father.” as if she is not responsible for anything. like she was always the victim in everything and my father is the whole reason for why i am the way i am and for everything that was wrong about how i grew up.