u/kawaii_cupkake

I’ve been struggling for the past 6 months with the thought of detransitioning. This year will be my 4th year on hormones and my transition has been wonderful. I’ve always struggled with my self perception and whether or not I pass but it never really felt this existential until recently. I had a breakup about 7 months ago and ever since then I’ve been spiraling about whether or not I’ve made a mistake in my transition and now I’m completely unable to see myself the way others do. When I look in the mirror I can’t see female only male and I look absurd, from my perspective. According to everyone else in my life I either pass well enough or pass totally. I don’t notice anyone clocking me and I’ve never had any sort of negative experiences other trans women I know get. When I’ve told people that I’m trans they seem genuinely surprised and there’s plenty of people who interact with me as though I’m female. I’ve never been misgendered or anything like that. Not even once. But in my mind they’re all just lying to me or just being polite. I feel like I look grotesque and it’s making my life hell.

I have felt dysphoria or that I was in the wrong body as far back as I can remember. I’ve never felt male and I have always felt female, even before I knew the difference. I’ve spent my entire life miserable and in this agonizing discomfort because of my body. Especially during and post puberty. I never thought I would get to transition and now that I have I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have and just stayed miserable. The only time I feel remotely comfortable in my body is when I’m presenting female but I have this strong anxiety about passing and I feel like everyone is laughing at me or I’m making people uncomfortable.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I don’t feel as though I pass but according to everyone I’ve talked to about this they assure me I do. The most critical description I’ve gotten is that I pass more than I think I do but probably not as much as I want. One of my friends says most of the time i pass totally but sometimes I’m teetering on the edge of questionable. I am short and somewhat smaller in frame and estrogen has softened my features quite a bit and shaped my body to look for feminine. I’ve gotten extremely lucky with my physical development. But I can’t see what other people see. When I look in the mirror I just see a man dressed like a woman and in my eyes I look horrible.

After two years of presenting female every day I’ve started presenting male any time I don’t have to present female to keep up appearances. But my dysphoria has been completely ruining my life. I just want to be a woman because that’s what feels true to myself but I feel so uncomfortable in my own body that I don’t want to present this way to avoid embarrassment or discomfort.

I’m at a point where I’ve legally changed my name, my gender markers, and most people only know me as female. I have a whole social life where I haven’t disclosed that I’m trans and apparently nobody has any idea. Part of me thinks I should just ghost everyone who knows me as a woman and just stop pretending to be a woman and just go back to being a miserable man. But that means I lose all my friends and probably changing universities or abandoning school all together, having to change my name or at least my gender markers, and becoming a secluded loner. I don’t want to reveal to everyone that I’ve been trans this whole time and face the potential and likely backlash and harassment. So becoming isolated and a loner seems to be the least stressful route.

I don’t know what to do. I guess my options are continuing as I have been and finding a way to feel comfortable in my current body OR detransition and start my life over from zero. I want to just be a woman but I know that no matter how much I try I will never be a real biological female. I will always be insecure and feel sad that my body will never look like other women and I will never have the same experiences as them. I don’t know if therapy can fix this or if I should just give up and detransition. I have been crying almost every day and having frequent periods of crisis about this. It weighs on me heavily.

I don’t know if this is even the appropriate venue to ask these sorts of questions or seek the advice I need. I hope you all have some words of encouragement or wisdom to share with me. What should I do?

I’ve been struggling for the past 6 months with the thought of detransitioning. This year will be my 4th year on hormones and my transition has been wonderful. I’ve always struggled with my self perception and whether or not I pass but it never really felt this existential until recently. I had a breakup about 7 months ago and ever since then I’ve been spiraling about whether or not I’ve made a mistake in my transition and now I’m completely unable to see myself the way others do. When I look in the mirror I can’t see female only male and I look absurd, from my perspective. According to everyone else in my life I either pass well enough or pass totally. I don’t notice anyone clocking me and I’ve never had any sort of negative experiences other trans women I know get. When I’ve told people that I’m trans they seem genuinely surprised and there’s plenty of people who interact with me as though I’m female. I’ve never been misgendered or anything like that. Not even once. But in my mind they’re all just lying to me or just being polite. I feel like I look grotesque and it’s making my life hell.

I have felt dysphoria or that I was in the wrong body as far back as I can remember. I’ve never felt male and I have always felt female, even before I knew the difference. I’ve spent my entire life miserable and in this agonizing discomfort because of my body. Especially during and post puberty. I never thought I would get to transition and now that I have I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have and just stayed miserable. The only time I feel remotely comfortable in my body is when I’m presenting female but I have this strong anxiety about passing and I feel like everyone is laughing at me or I’m making people uncomfortable.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I don’t feel as though I pass but according to everyone I’ve talked to about this they assure me I do. The most critical description I’ve gotten is that I pass more than I think I do but probably not as much as I want. One of my friends says most of the time i pass totally but sometimes I’m teetering on the edge of questionable. I am short and somewhat smaller in frame and estrogen has softened my features quite a bit and shaped my body to look for feminine. I’ve gotten extremely lucky with my physical development. But I can’t see what other people see. When I look in the mirror I just see a man dressed like a woman and in my eyes I look horrible.

After two years of presenting female every day I’ve started presenting male any time I don’t have to present female to keep up appearances. But my dysphoria has been completely ruining my life. I just want to be a woman because that’s what feels true to myself but I feel so uncomfortable in my own body that I don’t want to present this way to avoid embarrassment or discomfort.

I’m at a point where I’ve legally changed my name, my gender markers, and most people only know me as female. I have a whole social life where I haven’t disclosed that I’m trans and apparently nobody has any idea. Part of me thinks I should just ghost everyone who knows me as a woman and just stop pretending to be a woman and just go back to being a miserable man. But that means I lose all my friends and probably changing universities or abandoning school all together, having to change my name or at least my gender markers, and becoming a secluded loner. I don’t want to reveal to everyone that I’ve been trans this whole time and face the potential and likely backlash and harassment. So becoming isolated and a loner seems to be the least stressful route.

I don’t know what to do. I guess my options are continuing as I have been and finding a way to feel comfortable in my current body OR detransition and start my life over from zero. I want to just be a woman but I know that no matter how much I try I will never be a real biological female. I will always be insecure and feel sad that my body will never look like other women and I will never have the same experiences as them. I don’t know if therapy can fix this or if I should just give up and detransition. I have been crying almost every day and having frequent periods of crisis about this. It weighs on me heavily.

I don’t know if this is even the appropriate venue to ask these sorts of questions or seek the advice I need. I hope you all have some words of encouragement or wisdom to share with me. What should I do?