u/keemchizi

I feel so guilty for even thinking this.

We've been together for 3 years. We started dating in college, and now we're both working. Same company pa kami. Everyday, hinahatid at sinusundo niya ako before. But just a month ago, i bought my own motorcycle na para hindi ko na sya naaabala.

Every Valentine's, may flowers. He does grand gestures, like the flowers, he's not a bad boyfriend. Which is exactly why I feel like such a bad person.

The problem is... I don't think he actually knows me.

He never really tried to.

Two years into our relationship, he still didn't know my birthday. Hindi niya rin alam middle name ko. Hindi nya alam ano spelling ng 2nd name ko kasi “mahirap” daw. Hanggang ngayon, he doesn't know my favorite food, my favorite drink, the little things I always talk about. Kapag nagkkwento ako, hindi naman siya nakikinig. I could literally go quiet for a week, and he wouldn't ask if I'm okay or what's wrong.

If I'm carrying heavy bags, he'll just watch unless I ask him to help. He doesn't plan dates. He doesn't randomly ask me what I want to do or what I've been craving. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt like he noticed something about me without me pointing it out first.

It's like he loves me because I'm his girlfriend, not because I'm... me.

I know love languages are different. Maybe this is just how he loves. Pero nakakapagod din pala when you constantly feel unseen. Parang I have to ask for every little thing that would make me feel cared for.

Just recently, halos araw araw ko sinasabi i want to try yakiniku. Pero wala lang sakanya 😅 No initiative to ask me out

Last month dumaan sya sa stall ng favorite dubai chewy ko dahil may kinuha sya na papers sa tabi nun and i asked him if pwede bang bilhan nya ako. first day he said he forgot. kinabukasan bumalik sya, and he still forgot.

Minsan naiisip ko... I lowkey wish he'd just cheat.

Not because I want him to get hurt or because I want to get cheated on. But because it would finally give me a reason to leave that everyone would understand. Walang magtatanong kung bakit ako nakipag-break sa "mabait naman" na boyfriend.

Because the truth is... he isn't a bad person.

And somehow, my reason never feels "valid enough," even though I've been feeling lonely in this relationship for a long time.

For context, fresh graduates kami ng bf ko. We're 3 years together and we met during our 1st year in college. Ever since, lahat ng dates namin, we always split the bill. Never siya nag-insist na magbayad, and I definitely understood that since students pa lang kami noon.

Pero ngayon, even though pareho na kaming working, ganun pa rin yung setup namin. We just celebrated our 3rd anniversary and still, split bill pa rin kami, even though he gets around 2x more than I do. (We have the same salary, but he still gets a montly allowance from his parents)

I feel so bad for feeling this way, pero minsan napapaisip ako, hindi ba ako worth it pag gastusan? Minsan may cravings ako and not once din siyang nag-offer na bilhan ako. Kahit small things lang. Hindi rin siya yung tipo na kusang manlilibre or magbibigay ng little treats.

Sobrang demanding ko ba? Haha. Ayoko naman na maging dating na entitled ako sa pera niya. Hindi ko rin naman gusto na siya lahat gumastos. Pero I can't help but think about it sometimes.

It's not even about the money itself anymore. It's more the thought na parang he's not naturally generous with me. And honestly, it makes me double-think our relationship, especially when I think about the future.

Does this mean wala lang talaga siyang provider mindset? Or mali lang ba expectations ko?