r/MayConfessionAko

I just want to let this out since wala akong masabihan about dito haha

So few months ago, may babayaran kami sa school and nahihiya akong humingi sa parents ko kaya nag post ako sa isang subreddit for work and that includes NSFW (wala akong experience dito). I never met someone na gumagawa niyan kaya I thought magsesend ka lang ng pic or i-entertain lang sc nila. Obviously, puro ganon nakukuha kong offer.

I need money but it's not to the point na ibebenta ko talaga ang sarili ko. Still, I'm looking forward to it kasi I think I'm hypersexual din. Saka ko lang na realize after talking to a few guys dito and sa tg na hindi ko pala kaya haha like I want to experience it a little bit kasi I'm a virgin and curious but when one of them asked me to take off my clothes and do something with them, parang automatic na umayaw agad ang utak ko. Kahit anong convince nila sakin e hindi ko talaga magawa yung gusto nila.

I just want to share this lang kasi antagal ko na nag-ooverthink about this. I feel like na reach ko na ang lowest point ng buhay ko and kahit hindi naman natuloy, parang sobrang laking kasalanan na nagawa ko.

To that one lesbian that I loved nung high school,

You were my gay awakening. I just want you to know that. Baka wala kang Reddit, so this is my chance to say this for once and maybe leave this here for good.

A little backstory: there was a school event that I attended noon and everyone got drunk and wasted. Long story short, medyo tanga ako noon and I was SA'd (sexually assaulted). You knew about it the next day and you didn't waste time, ikaw ang gumanti para sa akin, and that moment taught me that love didn't have boundaries. The way you cared for me, kahit alam kong you were naturally sweet to everyone, I treasured that until now. Naalala ko kung paano mo ako alagaan, kausapin, at unahin. That kind of love, for me, ended there. I never knew anyone in my life who loved me as much as you did then.

Para lang alam mo, I did love you. Alam ko, alam mo 'yan. Years passed, we went our separate ways, and I tried to look for you in everyone that I dated next. No one came close. Lumipas ang mga taon, nabaon sa limot 'yon, and I managed to blend in sa straight world, knowing damn well that I wasn't.

For the record, alam kong hindi mo alam 'to... but you lived in every story that I have shared among my closest friends now. If you only knew how much I loved you then and how proud I am na meron akong ikaw noon. You were my safest space. Hinanap kita, yes. Para lang alam mo. :) Mahalaga ka sa akin, sobra, you always have been.

Hinanap kita, but I never reached out because you were already in a relationship. A strong and stable one. I knew that I could never offer you that stability, so I had to silence and distance myself kasi masaya ka na. I saw how happy you were and how you were cared for. Naitrato ka nang tama. Minahal ka, kasi kamahal-mahal ka. And for that, I somehow found peace. Naiiyak ako kainis.

We never had any closure, or meron siguro at hindi ko lang naalala, pero minahal kita noon. Parte 'yon ng pagkatao ko hanggang ngayon. Leaving this here now, dahil more than 15 years na rin yata ang nakaraan.

GOODBYE, JA

Note: Dear Admins and Mods, please remove po if not allowed. Thanks po.

This happened about a year ago. Nakilala ko siya here on Reddit, and siya yung unang nakausap ko. Hi sayo, Engineer. We had wholesome conversations naman, pero may NSFW stuff din between us.

Kaya pala ayaw niyang makipag-swap pics sakin before—may jowa pala si gago. Ngayon ko lang nalaman kasi lumabas siya sa “People You May Know” ko. Nung nalaman ko yung name niya, saka ko siya na-connect. Then I checked his profile and nakita ko na he’s been in a relationship for 6 years.

So habang ginagawa namin yung mga bagay na yun, may girlfriend pala siya the whole time??? What the actual fuck.

Mas malala pa, may issue pala siya here on Reddit na pinagkakalat at tine-trade niya yung pictures ng mga girls na nakausap niya sa Telegram. I honestly don’t know kung kasama yung pics ko sa mga pinakalat niya, and that’s what worries me the most.

Ang bullshit lang. I trusted him enough to talk to him and share things privately, only to find out na may girlfriend pala siya and may ganitong allegations pa tungkol sa kanya.

If ever malaman kong kasama ako sa mga pictures na kinalat or tinrade niya, I’m seriously considering reaching out to his girlfriend and letting her know what happened. She deserves to know what kind of person she’s been with for 6 years.

For context, nakaharang nang konti yung rear ng kotse ko sa right lane (nasa left lane ako). Binusinahan ako nang matagal and the driver rolled the window at may sinabi. Inadjust ko na, pero nag snap ako at nag give in ako sa intrusive thoughts ko at hinabol yung car. Nung nagkaabutan na kami at nagkaroon ng conforntation, turns out they were in hurry kasi may pasahero na magpapa-dialysis. I instantly felt like shit, nawala na yung galit at parang gusto ko ng mag magically vanish sa scene. This shitty feeling will eat me up for a long time. Possibley several days, weeks, months, or years.

I'm in my 3rd year of college now, 20 [M]. Bored lang ako kaya kino-confess ko to, only my family and some of my closest friend knows na I still thumbsuck, and yes it is embarassing at times to say out loud lmao. Ever since talaga simula nung nagka malay ako ginagawa ko na talaga, like pag nanonood ng cartoons, pag natutulog, pag nagbabasa, like almost any activity that does not require my hands, nag tha-thumbsuck talaga ako. At first my parents thought na eventually mawawala lang siya as I grow older but napapansin nila na kahiy nung nag grade 6 ako dipa din nawawala. Kudos to them because they did everything they could, some of the unhinged things they did just to keep me from thumb sucking was, wrapping my hands in some kind of cloth, putting gloves on it, taping my thumb, taping my mouth LOL, practically anything you could think of, and yes even hitting me with a broom everytime I'd do it, ginawa talaga nila, but unfortunately di talaga nawala.

Now I have this sort of bump in my thumb (idk if I should attach a pic) but its kind of a big bump, noticeable enough for people to ask "ano yan?" and I would just say "congo" (ewan ko kung alam nyo yan na term, bisaya kasi ako) and we'd just laught it off. You know hindi naman ako embarassed if ever man i-admit na I still thumbsuck, kasi to me, ewan ko, part na talaga siya ng pagkatao ko, although let me clarify lang ah, ngayong matanda ako, I only thumbsuck in my sleep, hindi na while doing something random HAHAHAH. Siguro talaga ginawa akong thumsucker para ma practice ko early on ang pagiging D-sucker lmao (yes I'm gay, and I guve great head, as per the reviews). So yun lang, sana napasaya ko araw nyo.

f19, i have this someone. I’ve been adoring him so much for years and never made any first move towards him kasi may feeling ako sa sarili ko na naj-jinx pag ako nauunang gumalaw ng baso. He’s an athlete, a great one and part of the national team and still part of a famous university in philippines (bali dalawa lagi represents nya)

I was an athlete too that’s where I liked him, he’s my guy friend’s rival and I didnt like him dahil lang pogi siya or what na back to back champion. I adored him because I saw a passion in him, his strategic ways and his discipline to be more better, I am always proud of him so much and always praying for his health. I won’t deny that he’s a campus and sport famous for being star athlete. Years passed and siya lang laman ng puso ko, stalking him in a dump account lang naman sa IG and tinitignan ko lang update sakanya but hindi ganun ka obsessed ha. I stopped being an athlete to focus on my acads and he’s 3rd year varsity while i’m 1st polsci.

I learned to be patient and be more better for him. In every prayer too? he’s never left out.

Right now may mga kaibigan naman akong kateam n’ya, second year. May isa sa lalaki and 5 sa girls. Yung isang lalaki na ‘yon he’s my bestfriend since highschool and he knows better than anyone of how much I secretly love that guy. But he never tells me lahat ng mga nalalaman n’ya sa dorm nila ng boys, of course he already told me na masasaktan ako kaya hindi n’ya sinasabi. Until sinabi sakin ng gf n’ya na kaibigan ko rin lahat lahat, she told me everything she knows na kinukwento sakanya ng bf nya (bff ko na guy). Sinabi n’ya na ayun daw lagi raw nagttrabaho ‘yung greatest love ko sa dorm ng girls sa mga ibang univs, and I know what she meant by nagttrabaho. Ta’s lagi rin daw may ka video call at babytime na mga bakla sa dorm, then ayun kin-lear nya na sakin na “nagp-pa client babyloves mo beh, kaya pala marami silang box ng condom sa dorm ng boys.”

Umiyak ako nun sobra kasi sobrang sakit. Totoo naman? how will you react na ‘yung taong pinaka mamahal at cherish mo ay maraming fubu or gets paid by fucking other girls? Tapos namamakla rin daw minsan. Grabe iyak ko (actually last month pa to). I always prayed for him, I loved him in the most quiet yet peaceful way I could, I waited years too kasi para sa’kin when the time is right and I am ready? Duon na ako lalapit at gagalaw.

Then ayun umiyak lang ako ng umiyak sa bar nun tapos sila pa ‘yung maoy (‘di ako nagiinom). Ta’s ang last advice sakin ng isa ko pang friend na sobra sobrang YOLO? “teh alam mo? magpaclient ka tangina ka. ‘yun nga eh kaya hindi siya nagg-gf talaga kasi marami siyang fubu na taga ibang school pa, hahaha gago ka teh magpa-avail ka dun. Ganun din, virgin ka diba? ayaw mo nun greatest love mo makaka una sa’yo kasi fuck boy naman ‘yung gagong yon”

But how could I? He’s so kind and gentle despite that, kahit hindi kami close kasi sa ibang school ako, kapag naman kasama siya sa mga gala gala ng kaibigan ko introverted gentle man siya. Hindi ako dissapointed dahil naging ganun, nasasaktan lang ako kasi sa lahat ng pwedeng gawin, bakit ayun pa? Ano ka para sa lahat? I know that he’s better than this, he could do so much better than this and ayokong mas lalo siyang sumikat dahil fuck boy siya.

Hindi ko alam gagawin ko, my heart still wants to understand him pero..sobrang sakit. It’s been 1 month since na pinipilit kong hindi siya isipin…

So yeah I know this is way too immature but mas nauna yung frustration ko sa mom ko.

she borrowed money from me and when I ask her para saan she said na pandagdag daw sa kuryente namin which is weird kasi before that I sent her money na para mabayaran yung bills and even gave her allowance. Right after I questioned her she got mad and clearly she is trying to avoid the topic. For all I know, pinansugal niya pala yung binigay ko sakaniya. She started blaming me for small things making it a bigger issue like I left some stuffs in the table daw and anything that she can see. I admit my mom is a huge verbal abuser to the point na I shut my mouth nalang kapag nagsisimula na siya magbunganga.

Nung tumahimik na siya and pumasok sa kwarto kinuha ko sa wallet yung hiniram niya is 1k and umalis na papuntang work. Days later naging okay na ulit kami and she asked if kinuha ko daw ba yung pera, I said no. I gaslighted her na baka kung saan saan niya nilagay or baka nahulog niya. She start rummaging thru our cabinets and hindi niya mahanap lol. I know it’s diabolical pero I worked hard for money and knowing na sinusugal niya lang pala honestly pisses me off.

Hindi ko alam kung ako lang ba ang nakakaranas nito. May Bachelor's degree ako galing sa isang kilalang school sa NCAA. Nag resign ako sa 4 companies with high-paying jobs sa loob 8 months recently. Sobrang laki ng pinagkaiba ng sahod kumpara sa mga nauna kong companies na pinasukan ko. Pero bago ko naman marating to, ilang years din ako nag tiis sa mga companies na mababa ang sahod dahil comfortable ako roon at hindi ko rin alam kung ano ba talaga ang plans ko sa buhay. Hindi ko lang talaga alam. Everyday pinipilit kong bumangon, mino-motivate ang sarili ko, at laging may anxiety at natatakot na magkamali. Madalas, nao-oover explain sa mga group chats either tama ako or kung minsan kahit maliit na mali ko. Tapos last week narealize ko ilang years na din na pinipilit kong convince ang sarili ko na maging okay sa existential crisis na nararamdaman ko after college grad. Hindi ko gusto ang course ko, at hindi ko alam kung saan ako patungo o kung anong career ba talaga ang papasukin ko. Dagdag din yung mga company na pinasukan ko na super toxic ang environment at management. Sobrang nag reregret ako na natakot akong subukan dati pa kung ano talaga ang gusto kong gawin right after college and itry yung childhood dream job ko kasi natatakot ako na mawala ako sa path ng degree ko. Ngayon, pakiramdam ko nasayang ko ang 8 taon ng buhay ko na hindi ako nag try. Lagi ko ring naiisip bakit sa akin nangyari ’to? While yung iba kong batchmates, okay na sa buhay nila.

Sa point na to, hindi ko alam kung weird or stupid na nag resign ako sa recent high paying job ko at nag-apply ako as cashier at cook sa isang local fast-food chain. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit, pero masaya ako ngayon. Parang nabawasan yung bigat at stress na matagal kong nararamdaman. Kahit yung 1 month na sahod ko dito ay 7 days ko lang ng dating sahod ko. Basta hindi ko alam kung bakit mas magaan ang pakiramdam ko. Bigla na lang din akong umalis sa bahay at lumayo sa mga taong nakakakilala sa akin. Hindi ko sinabi sa kanila kung ano next move ko dahil sobrang judgmental ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Nagtrabaho ako sa isang malayong lugar. Am i wrong na masaya ako sa ganitong klaseng life at job?

Hi! I met a guy from my past, and we’ve been talking for almost two months now. We already had sex, too. I’m a very longing girl—selosa, and an overthinker. He’s hardworking and, well, hard-fucking. 😂

But somehow, I still doubt him. I don’t know if he’s talking to other girls because the last time, I thought he ghosted me because he wasn’t giving me any updates or anything. His reason was that he went drinking with his friends. And as someone na tanga, syempre, I still continued talking to him because I really want him to be my last.

And today, hindi na naman siya nagpaparamdam. I already told him before to at least update me or let me know what he’s doing, but parang he’s not really that into me.

I don’t know if I’m just overthinking, or if my gut is actually telling me something.

Any thoughts??

I got sexually assaulted last month. There were no intentions of sex prior meet and there was no slight showing of interest when the meeting happened. I know because i was no way attracted to him.

You know how you kiss before the sex even starts? That didn’t happen. I was pinned down and finger penetrated. I hate how it felt good that i was powerless to stop it because his bodyweight is on me. It’s physically impossible. I just let him undress me and do the deed with him because in my mind, “it is already happening anyway and it felt good”.

He was expecting aftercare after all that. He tried to hug me but i just pushed it off, “ang lagkit, naiinitan ako”, i said. Then i left him there to shower.

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi alam ko namang ayokong makipagsex don sa tao and yet i agreed to meet in private. Ang tanga tanga talaga. Literal na nandiri ako sa sarili ko after that. Malibog naman akong tao pero bat ganto yung feeling.

Wag nang mang judge kasi jinudge ko na din naman yung sarili ko since. Wala lang ako mapaglabasan kaya ako nandito. Ayon. Literal na umaakyat yung sikmura ko while typing this.

*edited for clarity*

I just want to let this out, kahit dito lang. I’ve been jerking off to my older sister about 2weeks now. I’ve developed this kink sa kakawatch ng incest porns and I can’t stop. Even shared her innocent photos to strangers and we would jerk off to her photos via videocalls. She’s not the prettiest but still she’s my sister and I JUST CAN’T STOP because it’s sooo good.

I was the girlfriend. I tried to take chances because of love. But in the end, talo na naman ako. ❤️‍🩹 I let it to happen 3x.

I don't know how to use tarot cards. Pero I am addicted to searching online kung ano ang mangyayari bukas or this month. I tried to stop it pero ito na naman po ako. Found myself searching it every single day or night like I used to years ago. 😮‍💨

MCA!
Hi, I (31 F) and bf (33M) haven’t had sex for a month and a half. Last sex namin was when we were on a vacation pa. Medyo madaming nangyari sakanya last July, like sumemplang sa rides so pinagawa motor and all. So stress sha.
Pero ilang beses ko na bnring up sakanya na wala na kaming sex, and palago nya sinasabi na sex lang naman daw kasi yun, anytime naman pwede daw namin gawin. Masaya na daw sha na nagddate kami at nakakasama nya ko. And usually pag may jowa daw sha masaya daw puso nya so least priority ang sex.
Pero iba kasi sa case ko, kasi love language ko yung physical touch. Huhu and hindi lang naman libog yung gusto ko kung di yung mayakap sha ng magkatabi kami, makahalikan ko sha passionately. Pero wala talaga after ng Palawan.. Wala din kasi kaming personal space, kasi ako kasama ko mama ko sa house. Pero sha, living alone sha sa dorm pero never nya ko pinapunta, ang dahilan nya sobrang kalat daw talaga. Pero for me, ano naman kung makalat? Kung magkasama naman kami diba? ☹️
Ilang beses ko to inoverthink, iniyak ko na din. Kasi nakukulangan talaga ako sa intimacy at physical connection. Para kaming mag tropa na magkakape, kakain sa labas, maggym tapos uuwi. As in ganun ung routine namin. We don’t have privacy. Di namin magawa yung nagagawa ng mga couple. And nafufrustate na ko to the point na nasusungitan ko na sha, na minsan pinagtutulakan ko na sha. And honest ako sakanya na nag vvibrator ako haha. Kasi yun na lang nagpapaligaya sakin eh huhu.

May mga oral sex din naman kami sa car pero shempre ano naman yun sa sex diba! Hays.

Sabi nya sakin, career oriented daw kasi talaga sha kaya parang for him hindi priority ang sex pero naiintindihan naman daw nya, at alam nya na kaylangan din namin yun.. gagawan daw nya ng paraan. pagusapan daw namin…

Ayaw nya kasi yung magccheck in pa para sa sex. Which is ganun naman ginagawa namin dati.
Mas malibog pa sha nung hindi pa kami eh huhu. Pero kahit nuon pa nakaka 2x a month lang talaga kami. And sanay ako sa mga pasts ko na 3-4x a week ☹️

Ewan ko huhu may similar experience ba sakin?

Simula grade school, I had always been a big girl, particularly nung Grade 2 and Grade 3 ako. As in ang taba ko. Kahit nung pumayat na ako ng intermediate to high school, I still felt big. Nakakainis kasi, pag tinitingnan ko yung pictures ko dati, ang payat ko pala. Feeling ko lang ang taba ko, kasi may bilbil pa rin ako tapos yung bone structure ko especially my shoulders stayed broad dahil mataba ako nung bata. Haba baba na ako nun ah, pero I still felt fat. Also, karamihan ng girls sa amin noon sa school, 40s na kilograms ang range, so ako na 50 na mega believer pa dati sa BMI, ganun na lang ka-despondent.

Nag-gain ako uli ng weight nung senior high. Ang pangit ko nun grabe. It was during my freshman year nung college, na pumayat uli ako nang bongga. Bakit? Kasi simula nung last few months ng Grade 12 ko, I developed an eating disorder. Undiagnosed ako sa totoo lang, so I won't name names, pero sure ako na meron ako. Up to this day, cargo ko yang eating disorder na yan. Panay ako laxatives, na concerned na look sakin nung pharmacist when buying teas. Nung wala nang effect? Hi purging via oral route. Kada meal, sinusuka ko. Walang araw na pumasok ako sa uni na hindi masakit ang ulo ko. Araw-araw nahihilo ako dahil kada kain ko, pinipilit ko sumuka.

Again, kahit payat ako noon, feeling ko ang taba-taba ko, that it wasn't enough. Na kahit anong makeup ko, kahit anong ayos ko, mataba ako. Pangit na, mataba pa ako. Tapos hindi pa ako popular sa guys. All I had were my brains and EQ, yung tipong sasabihan ka ng lalaki ng “ang attractive ng brain mo” “sarap mo kausap” “sana lahat ng babae kagaya mo” pero hindi ka ginugusto beyond a friend. Kahit anong effort ko to stay thin with all the daily headaches and near fainting spells, wala. I was still unwanted. I still felt too fat.

Then pandemic came. A year into the pandemic, doon na ako talagang lumobo. Yung tipo na, yung uniform ko talaga noon, hindi na magkasya. Buti na lang online class. Tapos nung bumalik na sa face-to-face, pangit na pangit ako sa sarili ko. So my old habits that got quieter, pinilit ko dumalas uli. Purging, OMAD, intermittent fasting, lahat sinubukan ko… pero my weight barely budged. Hindi na siya gaya nung freshman year ko na biglang slim ako.

Idk what happened. Ginawa ko naman lahat ng diet and purging na kaya ko noon. Noong mga panahon na yun, peak pa yun ng undiagnosed mental health problems ko. Imagine how despondent I was. So, it was such a wonder to me na years later, dumating na sa point na nag-give up na ako.

It started out slowly. Amininado naman ako eh. Lahat na ng klase ng exercise na kaya ko noon, except sa gym, ginawa ko na. Anlala ko mag-HIIT dati. Pero ningas-kugon talaga ako eh. I’ll start intensely, pero pag dumating later on yung katamaran ko, eh I’ll gradually stop. Napagod na ako sa start-stop cycle na yan. Tinanggap ko na na wala akong disiplina. Pati diet, sinukuan ko na hardcore na diet. Pag gutom, kain. Fck starvation, ayoko na.

It helped din my friends besides my family and other tita churchmates, ay todo hype sakin sa looks ko. Kahit walang nanliligaw sakin, kahit binabash ako sa internet pag nakikipagbardagulan ako sa discourses, kahit hindi talaga ako conventionally attractive, pinaramdam nila sakin na maganda ako. Grabe mag-help sakin mag-picture friends ko. Hindi ako marunong mag-posing, tuturuan nila ako. Maganda phone nila, so pipicturan nila ako with their phones. In-encourage nila ako when I started exploring my fashion style and commented anong bagay sakin. Kapag maganda ang hair ko that day o glowing ako, pinupuri nila ako. When I matter-of-factly self-deprecate, you can genuinely see the sadness in their eyes as they say “bat ang baba ng tingin mo sa sarili mo?”

Now, I can say na yes, I somehow gave up na regarding my weight and looks. Yung tipo na hindi na ako sobrang nage-exert ng effort sa bonggang-bonggang exercise + I regulate my diet for health purposes, hindi para pumayat or what lalo na I have terrible acid problems now thanks to 7 yrs of purging. Tinutuloy ko rin yung pagkain ko ng maraming fiber and protein, dahil gusto ko at nae-enjoy ko. Yes, nag-give up na ako in a way, pero somehow masasabi ko, masaya ako.

Syempre, hindi ko naman mapipigilan yung utak ko pag dinidemonyo ako ng insecurities ko. May panahon din naman na titingin ako sa salamin and I hate how I look. Titingin ako sa social media, makikita pretty, sexy girls, and I’ll be envious at times sabay scroll away na agad. Pero, alam nyo yun, dumating na sa point na naisip ko, wala namang magagawa kung puro self-pity nalang ako. Wala namang mangyayari kung lagi nalang sasama ang loob ko. Eh tamad naman ako at walang disiplina, so, wala rin naman akong magagawa about my weight na, except sa small things. So, acceptance na lang.

Tinanggap ko na lang talaga na ito na yung weight ko. Kung pumapayat ako, hindi ko sadya. Gaya nung nag-sem break ako ng two months sa house, kusa akong nabawasan ng 3kg kasi mas regulated ko yung food ko sa house compare sa order lang sa dorm. Kasya na nga uli uniform kong di ko masuot last sem. I learned na rin to stop eating pag uncomfy na talaga stretch ng tummy ko + I take meds for my acid reflux. So for me, small wins na yun. Nagi-invest na rin ako sa wardrobe ko, lalo na I feel beautiful pag nagde-dress up, eh di dun na lang ako bumabawi. Tapos skincare kahit papaano, I try na rin.

It's just so funny to me na ngayon pa na I am at like one of my heaviest weights ever ako naging happy about myself. Ngayon pa ako nagkaroon ng confidence. I may be fat, but at least I am happy. At least hindi ako in pain at lagi na lang on the brink of fainting. Mas okay ang mental health ko ngayon. Yung concerns ko hindi na about masyado my weight kundi sa iba nang matters. Tapos lately, especially nung nagbakasyon ako abroad, I found myself genuinely liking how I look sa pictures. Dahil ba iPhone? Haha thanks friends talaga.

I doubt magkaka-boyfriend o asawa pa ako, given na nasanay na rin ako na men who find me attractive body-wise eh sex lang habol sakin. Kesyo nung matino ako noon and now na makalat na ako online posting and discreetly irl na I sleep with safe people, wala namang may bet sakin, perhaps except one guy rn na nag-drunk confession pero di naman ako pinupursue ano, so tanggap ko na rin. Lonely oo, pero at least, may part sakin na finally, mahal ko na sarili ko. Yung tipo na kahit i-judge ako ng iba, kahit sabihin nila kung gaano ako kapangit, kahit pa iparamdam nila sakin na ako yung biggest girl in the room, eh wala na ako masyadong pakialam. Ano ngayon kung gasul ako? Ano kung pakarat ako at wala raw self-respect? Masaya man ako sa sarili ko. I feel beautiful. I feel free. I feel somehow myself… and that is what is important to me now.

To be clear lang hah, baka sabihin ng iba, nagpo-promote ako ng unhealthy living and obesity. Hindi ho ganon. Gusto ko lang sabihin na posible pala na even if hindi tayo conventionally attractive, hindi pasok sa standards ng society, hindi gustuhin, pwede naman tayo maging masaya. Pwede pala maging confident. Pwede pala na magkaroon ka ng acceptance in yourself without being miserable, but rather being happy in who you are.

That reality is just a fraction of how strained my relationship with my father is. I don’t have an absent father if that’s what you’re thinking. I was born and raised in a complete family.

I always wonder how a father’s hug would feel like or what could have happened if he is not a homophobic, conservative, religious person. I bet he would be a really fun dad to be with since I always notice him crack some very funny jokes to my churchmates and to my kuya and I would be standing in the side and would just watch him be himself. And then, whenever he’s with me, he’s back with this sour attitude of his. This stemmed out from his ever-forcing idea of me marrying a woman and have kids and how he kind of understood that I can’t be the son he will be proud of since I’m gay. Now, he’s on his late 50s and his health condition is not getting better.

I have this fear in my mind that one day he’ll be gone and I still haven’t hugged him at all. There’s this fear in me that his time will come and I still haven’t told him the two truths that may change the course of my life.

First is, “Dad, I am gay. I wish I could be the son you want me to be”.

Last would be, “Dad, I don’t know if you noticed but you haven’t actually hugged me not even once. You have hugged kuya a lot but not me. You may not want this but I wish I could hug you before you leave”.