u/kittiqi

i’m 16f which probably is the reason i can’t get a proper diagnosis, i got diagnosed for ADHD as a kid and constantly have been convinced i have bpd since i was 13, and bipolar just recently. I have phases where i wake up at like 7am when i normally wake up at 1pm during my depressive episodes. I’m currently having some sort of depressive episode, very exhausted, crying easily and barely feeling much. I am incredibly impulsive and spent 20k in one month once on clothes, i hate being the same for too long.

i was planning to have my 3 month old kitten with me as a trip sitter but i had to kick him out cause he was meowing so much and being super fidgety whilst wagging his tail around and it was kinda freaking me out even if hes small 😂

I am a 16 year old girl who typically never asks for support or help, as I am also someone who was pushed to believe that vulnerability is a weakness and a myth for attention and have believed it since I was quite young. Now I live with deep scars scattered across my body till my corpse rots.

I live in a very damaged household family containing my father and brother. My parents are divorced and my mother is doing pretty well, and I remain in contact with her and speak/see her at times. I am failing academically and I have many probable physical illnesses, the majority undiagnosed; chronic fatigue, persistent passing out and dizziness, malnutrition, and probably more I haven’t caught. The ones diagnosed such as asthma and that’s about it, yet my asthma is untreated now, it was when i was very young, (so fucking stupid).

My father is getting quite old and struggles a lot, mentally and physically, he has tried to commit before. I feel an immense amount of guilt for him and I am not close with him at all, in fact the opposite. I am diagnosed with ADHD, and long-term depression (all untreated), I refused medication due to body image issues, but now that I ask, I am not allowed it because it is a “poison” to my “body”. I don’t feel alive or real, constantly dealing with dissociation and INCREDIBLY intense mood swings, as well as unstable self-image, as well as relationships and constant self-hatred, negativity, which is why I got “paper” diagnosed for Borderline-personality disorder, but was never properly screened.

I have tried to commit on various occasions, often impulsive, often planned. I need help, I need advice, literally no one but my boyfriend believes I am truly fucked and just downright sad. I have asked my boyfriend to message my mother and just tell her how messed up I am, not sure if he will do it, most likely not.