My Story and need advice
I am 33 and have been diagnosed with Schizophernia by my psychiatrist since last 2 years and have been on medication for that. To give u full context my schooling years were filled with bullying and some traumatic experiences and that have stayed with me till now . After school and college i became severely lonely and got into using weed(chemically mixed weed) and alcohol and used it of and on for a few years. Remained clean for sometime and then started using hash at the age of 27 and then I went into psychosis and was sent to rehab. After rehab its been 4 years and I have never used weed or hash. But drank alcohol a total of 5 or 6 times and have been entirely clean for 1 year and remain to be so for the rest of my life. Now the questions that I have in my mind are these. I dont hear any voices like nothing . The first time I went into psychosis because of hash , I hear vibration or thumping kind of sounds. Even in my later episodes of psychosis I have never heard voices neither have I ever had hallucination like seeing things that arent there or such. But the think that is very strong on me are Delusions. Like I become deluded to the point that I start fearing that my childhood bullies are still after me or then I become scared. Even at that point I know everyones busy and noone has time for anyone else but still I cant stop the fear. My 2nd and 3rd Psychotic episode were triggered by coffee. Both times I took 1kg Nescafe coffee and drank it over a week in the form of coffee shots which resulted in a week without sleep and then the delusions came in. So do I have Schizophernia to full extent or not I am not sure but I am on anti psychotic medicines. My whole 20's were spent in either depression or lying in a dark room or fighting with my family(For which I am really sorry and I love them a lot) I have never held a job in my life. Like I used to be a graphic designer but then I stopped applying for jobs at 21 and started doing drugs. I also used to go to Narcotics Anonymous meeting but then I realized my place is not there as I dont have a substance problem. I dont intend to use anything for the rest of my life but I would be lying when i say that there are days when i feel to drink a little alcohol and listen to music. Some relatives whom I told about this condition have started treating me differently because of the disorder. I dont know whether I always had schizophernia because of the trauma or was it the drugs that switched it on ? I also have confidence and self esteem issues which i am tackling one by one . But when I read about the diseases I start feeling that my life is doomed and I will not get a job or I will never get married. I know marriage is something that ma or may not be on the cards for me . But I accept it as it is. But all I want is to get a job an sustain myself and give back to my family for all they have done for me and still being supportive till this day despite knowing that i am 33 years old jobless person. But most of the stuff online says that people with Schizo have difficulty holding a job and that makes me scared. i have read people with Schizo are more prone to addictions .Also I used to be a chainsomker, smoking 2 packs a day but somehow I quit 2 days ago. Also I dont know whether i have porn addiction or not because I sometimes watch it at night to masturbate. Thank for reading and please be kind with me .