u/koshiitai

Hello! I wasn't sure about tagging it as a question or advice, but I'd like some help.

I'm aroace, F, 31 and it took me a lot of time to accept my identity, mostly because of how I was raised and all the romantic media I consumed. On top of that, as soon as I got more comfortable about calling myself aroace, I had allo friends being very dismissive about my feelings. It made me stop reading and learning about the community.

I'm in a place where I'm feeling extremely lonely. I have two best friends who used to be super close to me. One of them used to call me everyday and they both helped me and supported me through very difficult moments of my life. I love them to death and even though I was raised with the fear of being abandoned and alone because I wouldn't get married, I was sure this wouldn't be a problem because I had friends who'd be there for me.

But recently, they've found their romantic partners and our connection has weakened. It's not simply that they don't have time for me anymore, but they don't contact me that frequently anymore either. It's like they don't think about me, I'm not that important. I started to envy their romantic relationships, not because I wanted a romantic partner, but because I wanted a strong connection with someone again*.* Like, someone who I could rely on and be by my side. I feel like I crave for a deeper connection with a person who can understand me, so we can share the little things we're doing and going through and support each other. I wish I had someone I could talk to everyday and feel like they enjoy my presence in their life.

I still have a lot to learn about QPR, I believe... But could you help me understand if that's what I'm looking for? I'm not the type of person who wants to share a house with someone and I'm very stiff and nervous when it comes to physical affection, except for giving hugs... So it makes me a bit confused whether this is what I want or not.

I'm also terrified of the idea of having to find a partner. I sincerely have no idea how people just go on dating apps and start chatting with people with the purpose of making a relationship other than friendship, so this would be its own battle... :,)

Hello! It's my first post here.

This is mostly vent, but if you can give me some advice, I'd really appreciate it!

I'm 31, F and I've identified myself as ace since my early 20s. Before that I didn't know it was a thing, but just the thought of someone being sexually attracted to me made me uncomfortable. The thought of having sex with someone disgusted me. It took me some time to accept I was also aromantic because I used to have a "crush" on a single classmate through all pre school and middle school. But as time passed, I guess I was just fantasizing about something based on the multiple romantic telenovelas I used to watch growing up. After that kid, I never felt that I "liked" someone ever again so the label of aromantic just fit on me, for my dissatisfaction.

The reason I was so frustrated about it is because I was raised by people who insisted about teaching me traditional heteronormative roles. "Get a boyfriend, get married, have children", etc. and of course, my family would terrorize me with things like "you don't wanna end up like auntie **** who married a guy she didn't love/died alone, do you?"

So growing up, I was terrified of being forced to marry just because it was the norm or becoming the "single old lady with dozens of cats". But at the same time, being in a relationship with a real person just felt gross and wrong to me.

What kept my sanity was my focus on my art and career, and the support of my friend group. During my 20s they were my anchor. I believed that with them I'd never be alone and I didn't need any romantic partner to feel happy because I had my friends.

A lot has changed in the last 3 years, though. All my friends had found a romantic partner and each one had started to spend more time with their s/o instead of the friend group. We became the "once a month we might see each other again" group. It particularly hurt when my 2 best friends did the same and we used to call each other every day and keep company to each other on calls for hours. (This one hits hard because I have ADHD and we basically did body doubling with each other without knowing it was a technique to deal with it.)

I know what it sounds like and I can confirm it: I envy them and I'm jealous of them. I wish I had someone who'd give me their attention and care. I wish I was special to someone and wish I was the priority. But I can't have it when I don't feel anything towards other people. I sincerely don't know what to do, because I'm just very lonely. I used to have this group of friends who were very close and we talked to each other every day and now we don't anymore. I miss this connection so much.

To make things worse, the reason I identify as aroace is because I don't feel attracted to people in real life. When it comes to fictional characters, I daydream about dating them like a hopeless lovesick teenager!! So... It feels like I understand or know the feeling somehow, but I also know I can't "feel it the right way."

This is so weird and I feel so hopeless, help... 🥹