u/krakenflesh_

31 M bi here, in a 10 year relationship with the best woman on earth (she was my teenage bff and my hetero awakening, actually).
I’m so stressed about my sexuality and I’m scared that I’m an imposter and a not-good-enough man for her.

Any of you deal with SO-OCD? I don’t know if I even have bi-cycles or I’m just so scared to lose her so I artificially try to refocus my sexuality, whether this means I’m looking at women in order to get reassurance about being “straight enough” for our relationship or whether this means I’m looking at men in order to force myself to “deal with the gay”. I’m not really sure about where’s my ‘organic’ gaze at, or if that even matters.

I have this irrational fear that my gay side will eventually overcome my attraction to her. I’m scared of being one of those who realize they’re gay when they’re 50 with three kids. This messes with my head all day, won’t give me rest. I’m pretty sure I’m more picky with women, but does that mean I’m less attracted to the ones I find attractive? Does that mean I cannot be with her?
We do have sex quite regularly, not tons of it but a very decent amount considering the fact that we’re both stressed and quite depressed (she’s on ssri, I withdrew and should probably get back). Our sex can be amazing at times, I could think of it for a whole week later and basically be less stressed about anything, but sometimes it’s just meh? Which could stress me even more cause maybe I’m not good enough for her etc.
This whole thing makes me freak out.

When alone, I’d probably watch gay nsfw, sometimes straight. Depending on the mood. Not sure if it’s because I’m already sexually active with my exact type of a woman, or if I’m more into men.

I don’t know anything, truly. I don’t know where my desire ends and where my mind begins. I just want this relationship to keep working.

Trying to wrap up my thought on this.
I’m a 31 m, always defined myself as bi.

It’ll be a very long, sorry about that.

Ever since I was a child I remember myself enjoying the appearance of both males and females sexually, as much as you can remember sexuality as a child.

During early teen years (puberty, around 12-14) two things I knew for sure. The first one is that I’m into males, regularly fantasizing about “converting” my classmates, watching men’s porn, etc. The other thing I knew is there’s this one girl, my bestie, with whom I’m madly love with. And the love was there not just emotionally - I wanted her touch, I loved holding her body, I got instant erections even when we’re remotely intimate. For some reason I didn’t feel comfortable sexually fantasizing about her, so it continued the way it was.

At the age of 15-16, one day I thought to myself “well, you’re practically gay if that’s your regular porn/fantasy”. I was growing in a very homophobic home. To that same day - I accepted the attraction, but not the definition. This has got me spiraling in anxiety. The feelings and physical attraction I felt for that girl got me also quite confused in the context. So I started compulsively testing myself. I masturbated to males and females, to understand which feels better. During those unhealthy tests I actually found out a few things. Firstly, sexual thoughts involving that girl got me going very well. It felt different, the mix of sexual fantasy and genuine connection was intense. Another thing is that I actually like some plus size females and their genitals. a lot.

However, the need for reassurance and validation didn’t go away, the self testing occupied all of me. It escalated to the point I was convinced that maybe I was actually a pedo and such. I was diagnosed with ocd, then was put on meds and found some relief. The compulsion and need for reassurance never got away completely, but it got better, and the anxiety aspect got much better for sure.

High school ended. I finally got to sexually experience with both males and females. I was in a quite long relationship with a girl of my fantasy type, we had quite a lot of sex which was fun. I also got to explore some short romantic relationships with males and a few sexual experiences with them which were fun too.

I never stopped loving and longing for my high school bestie, and when I was 22 we finally became a couple. I’m with her to this day. We had ups and downs, but I cannot imagine any connection stronger than the one we share. We’re super open and intimate, both bi, had great sex throughout the years (and some meh sex as well). When we’re both really synced, sex is intensely amazing. Can clear my head and make me smile for a whole week.

The need for reassurance never got away completely, and every sexual interaction or masturbation has this hint of self-testing in them. Less-so when I’m really in the mood, but that’s not always the case and depression makes it a little harder. Needless to say - I’m of course still attracted to men, and still masturbate thinking of them sometimes, probably more often than I do while thinking of women, but I already got THE woman for me so what can I say…

Three years ago I was diagnosed with a benign tumor involving my right ear’s hearing nerve. Quite devastating news for a musician. She was and is there with me for the whole time, doing her best. Anxiety got all over me again, this time of the health kind. That had also affected my libido and our relationship. We’re still very intimate, but we don’t have sex as frequently as we used to. After the diagnosis I quit the ssri cause I felt like I wanted to experience a more meaningful mental process (with a therapist).

A few days ago I went to my regular acupuncturist and he said - “I think you’ve an ear tumor because you’re refusing to listen to something”. All I could think about from that moment till now is my doubtful OCD voice saying “I’m gay and I’m a fraud to my girlfriend”. I feel lost. It got back to intense self-testing. Wasted three hours just this morning. I don’t know anything anymore and I for sure don’t wanna lose her.

Has anyone here experienced anything remotely similar?
Thanks 🤍

Hi everyone. I’ve been on the fence about applying topical min+fin, one thing that still holds me off is the fact that I always see people with fluctuating results - needing to readjust dosage, switching to oral, switching back to topical, suddenly one substance won’t work anymore (therefore always looking for the next solution), huge sudden sheds that sometimes won’t resolve, etc.
So at this point I’m not even worried about sides. I’ll deal with whatever comes if it’s a ‘take it and forget about it’ thing, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I see many here (and in my real life) that are basically just maintaining the obsession, which is the main aspect I’d personally like to eliminate.
Anyone with a stable experience here?