u/ku_soma

Hi all,

I think i already know the answer to this but can someone explain this to me like I'm really slow. Sometimes i feel like am.

Alot has happened in the past year. I found out that my (f38) husband (m44) downloaded hookup apps about 8 years ago, mentored a grad student who he said had feelings for him but he didn't for her, but continued to work with her until last year. He never gave me any indication he didn't love me. Then early this year, i found out that he had taken money out of a joint account and when i asked him about it, he flipped out and told me that i was too suspicious (i am). I tried to find out something on my own and he accused me of spying on him and even said that i was going to hire a detective to follow him around. We have a router and he v pays for internet services. I have the Fing app and I asked him about the extra devices showing up on the app. He refused to let me see which devices were on his Fing app and again accused me of spying on him.

He went recently to a trip to Berlin. I went through his bag and found that he had 600 euros in cash. He only told me he had 100. We had a fight. He was mad i went through his bag. He has every right to be. I asked him what he needed the other money for and he did it was private and i asked why he didn't tell me, and he would not say.

I asked him when he was in Berlin, what was he planning to do, he told me that he didn't want to answer the question. He sent me pictures of him eating places, but always carefully cropped.

He's cheating, either with his colleague, who has been in his life for 10 years or in Berlin, right?

The "i don't want to say" drove a dagger through my heart.

Advice is needed to parse this. Thanks.

Hey all,

A few months ago, my (36f) spouse (42m) asked me about opening up the marriage. At the time that he asked me, I was really going through alot. So I didn't ask him too many questions or think about it. I was so stressed out and this came out of nowhere. I knew our sex life wasn't great but I also had some hormonal issues. At the time I said, "sleep with anyone you want", and apparently, i wrote that down on a piece of paper? I don't really remember this part because i was going through ALOT.

He said I can sleep with other people and I declined. He came back a few months later and asked me if I wanted to sleep with other people too. I said no. I asked him then, why he brought this subject up because we had a traditional marriage and this had never come up. He said that he had watched a documentary on open marriages and that he was curious. Later that month, i had found out he had a coworker interested in him and he was mentoring her. He told me that she might have been, but he wasn't sure. I also found a hookup app on his phone, that he paid for twice, both weeks he or i were out of town. He told me had read something and just wanted to check it out.

These are BS reasons. I know they are. And no matter how much i ask him, he won't tell me the answers.

What i want to know is: did he ask to open because he found someone to cheat with? Or is it that he had already cheated and want permission.

He has made comments like:

- my best years of my life are gone,

- you didn't open up the marriage because you hate me

- women don't find me attractive

- she (mentee) would have be jealous of our connection

- now that I think about it, going with her would have been a bad idea.

- i should have gone with her

- don't ruin her reputation

Etc...

He said he would have been okay with me sleeping with other men. Does this mean that he is over the marriage and he is more interested in his experiences. Was it sex or did he have an emotional connection with mentee. Is there anything left.

He sticks to his story and nothing ever changes. But for him to say he would have been okay with me sleeping with other men, it means that he is not tied to the marriage anymore right?

Eta: just found out that money in a joint account (more than 5 years ago) went missing. , and he told me it was a mortgage payment. it might have been. But he was so cagey when I asked about it. The account had gone dormant and he needed me to close the account. i initially asked him what happened to the account and the pause just sunk me. It took him 20 minutes to tell me that he received an email in November about the dormancy. He kept saying I don't know. How do you lose track of an entire bank account? i know i did. But I've been through the ringer these last 5 years. He has always had his head on straight. i made a midnight call and I come out to the room and he's shredding all his bank statements from the last 5 years.

We fight. I see him fiddling on his phone. it's the app that controls what devices are on our router. He tells me no when I ask to see his phone. We get into it. He tells me that devices on our router are none of my business, tells me Im paranoid for even having this app (that he put on his phone), i ask to the app for our internet and phone (he pays), and he deletes that app in front of me and accuses me of spying on him.

My hair has gone frizzy at the root as I have alopecia and long covid. i swear my brain chemistry has changed. I can't handle this. Who is this stranger that I married.