u/lLoved0gs

For a long time, I lived with a suffocating level of anxiety that I couldn't explain. I love people, I desperately crave deep connections, but I am paralyzed when it comes to taking the first step. I always assume the absolute worst will happen if I reach out. I used to think I was just born flawed, but a piece of my past was recently unlocked, and everything finally makes sense.

When I was in kindergarten, I was a total social butterfly, extroverted, and talkative. But I was severely bullied for exactly that. I was told I was "too annoying" and "too much," and the other kids completely ostracized me. It seems that my brain buried that trauma so deeply that I forgot it happened, but my behavior kept it. When we moved cities for the start of first grade, I spent the next three to four years sitting completely alone, terrified of people.

To this day, every time I get close to someone, my fear of abandonment spikes. I have literally woken up crying from nightmares where the people I love leave me behind.

Because of this fear, I never show 100% of my true energy. If you approached me first and we hit it off, I eventually let my guard down. I start to yap, I get excited, and I show my passion. But the moment I do, I get scared, never letting all my excitement out, scared of the "consequences" that came with it.

Some people have left. It wasn't anything dramatic. They just quietly drifted away or brushed me off after I thought we were close. It leaves me feeling entirely isolated, wondering if my true self is fundamentally unlovable.

I know how rejection feels, so I overcompensate. I pour everything into my friendships. When my friends text me about their passions, I match their energy completely. Even on my worst days, I refuse to give a dry or bad reply because I believe my loved ones shouldn't suffer just because I'm having a hard time. Though when it's my turn to talk about something I love, there's been a lot of times it was met with silence, or the topic is abruptly changed. And when they have a bad day, they have no problem giving me low-effort, dry responses. It hurts deeply.

I've tried to tell my closest friends about this. I told them I felt lonely, like I was too much for people, and that I feared being abandoned. Their responses hurt. "You expect too much from people. Nobody is going to like every part of you. You need to lower your expectations and divide my needs among different people."

I know it was supposed to help, i couldn't help getting hurt by it, though. It just made me feel like the entire problem was me, and i was being dismissed.

I've started quietly retreating. When I’m in the group chat, I watch them laugh and move on without me, occasionally replying, so I don't seem rude. Even when we hang out in person, I find myself fading into the background, watching them share joy while I feel entirely invisible.

They are the closest people I have in this world, yet they are currently the people making me feel the most alone. I am so tired of hiding my light just to keep people from walking away.

I'd love some advice on this, thanks. Should i seek mental help? Just let it ride off?

[Academic] Hello! I need 20 respondents to complete the work assigned by my teacher (1 min or less)

Does anyone know a fragrance that smells like this?

Looking for girl gaming buddies!!

Looking for girl gaming buddies!!

Looking for girl game buddies!!

I've been feeling lonely for a while..