One loved my body another loved my soul.
Back in 2023, I met a guy online and I fell in love for the first time let’s call him S. He was my first love in every emotional sense. (And I was his too) We were really close, understood each other deeply, and we broke up, it honestly happened over immature and petty reasons. Nothing huge. No betrayal, no cheating, no massive toxicity. We just let small things ruin something that actually meant a lot. And the worst part is… I never fully moved on from him.
Then in 2024, I met another guy P. Me and P got into a serious on-and-off relationship that lasted almost 2 years. It became emotionally intense very fast, and eventually physically intimate too. I kept convincing myself that this relationship was “real” because of how attached I became to him. He loved me in a strange way. I didn’t receive compliments from him, gifts, reassurance, dates, anything at all. I always felt like I was the man in our relationship.
And deep down, I always had this painful feeling that P loved my body more than he loved *me*. And I kept him close because he made me feel wanted at something right? (Even though it costed my own dignity)
Like yes, he cared in his own way, but emotionally I constantly felt unseen. I would crave reassurance, emotional safety, softness, understanding and instead I mostly felt wanted physically. Sometimes I’d leave conversations feeling emptier instead of loved.
And meanwhile, somewhere in the back of my heart, S still existed.
I started talking to S again naturally last month And talking to him again reminded me of how emotionally misunderstood I used to feel with P. It brought back memories of a version of love that felt emotionally warm instead of emotionally draining. I love how innocent of love S gives me but after all that happened between me and P. I feel so ashamed and talking to any other guy felt like an insult because I feel guilty and emotionally conflicted after everything that happened.
and I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved. Now, if I choose P I would be miserable and if I choose S he would never accept a girl who has been physically close with another guy. I don’t know what to do.